We’ve all been there. You’re so pissed you don’t know what your body is doing. It’s how tuff guys (proper spelling for the situation) shatter their hands punching door frames and it’s how 60 dollar Xbox controllers end up exploding on the floor after you’ve come to the realization that you’re not good at call of duty.
But when Capuano’s brain goes into auto pilot rage he’s not trying to put a hole in the nearest wall, not even close. He carefully opens his faux leather Lens Crafters case, gently unfolds a soft microfiber towel to lightly wipe off any dust or debris that may have collected on his scratch resistant, progressive bifocal lens reading glasses and then he PUTS THEM THE FUCK ON!! The madness doesn’t end there though because his next impulsive twitch is to take them RIGHT BACK THE FUCK OFF!! Seconds later he’s looking around at all of the carnage wondering what just happened. Did he really just see slightly better for a split second or was it all a dream? Did his team really just go down 2 goals in a close out game or is he in the matrix still? Only way to know for sure is to check the scoreboard by putting on those glasses again! Hulk smash!
Posted: February 26, 2016 in Sports
A goddamn Canadian Cavs fan. Unbelievable.
Look, I understand he’s sitting courtside and has more money in his pocket than I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t have this shit. You don’t buy your way into fandom. You don’t get picked up from school in a limo and have a pre game VIP meet and greet with the players and look like you fix your hair with a blow dryer and Aqua net. You know this kid loves Drake right? He loves The Blue Jays and the shitty Maple Leafs too. You know he loves everything about being Canadian. Why can’t he just love his stupid Raptors and leave my team out of it?!
Posted: January 9, 2016 in Sports
Nothing better than seeing other fans melt down all the while pretending they have any more class than other fans. When the world is shitting on your team you throw the nearest thing you can find on the field in protest. That’s just what you do. Thank god most people don’t bring their infant children to games
Posted: November 24, 2015 in basketball, blown call, comedy, humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports
Tags: Cavs, curry, kevin love, nba, steph, warriors
So I’m sitting here waiting out the Celtics vs. Hawks game (just an appetizer before the Warriors game where I’m absolutely convinced Curry will somehow leave the arena in an ambulance by the 2nd quarter) and I’m watching stupid Kelly Olynyk running up and down the court like a fucking goon and I’m reminded about how much I hate his entire existence and the idiotic argument that what he did to Kevin Love in the playoffs was somehow an accident. It’s just an insult to anyone with a shred of common sense and two eyeballs that he didn’t absolutely rip his arm out of socket on purpose. The most common argument is that Olynyk is just a big clumsy goofball that doesn’t have control over his body and he accidentally latched onto his arm and fell. These are the same assholes who will try to tell you with a straight face that Brady doesn’t deflate footballs. They just hide behind the good fortune that has befallen them and will bitch like everyone else when a call goes against them. Let’s not kid ourselves. They are just doing what any other fan would do. It’s like how Ravens fans were able to stand behind Ray Lewis all those years. There’s no way they could actually feel good as a person for cheering for him, but they lie to themselves because they know it’s their only chance to win. They buy their kids a murder’s jersey, and pretend they’re a respectable human. But I get it, I would do the same thing if I ever had a player on my team worth cheering for. It’s all part of being a fan. You sell your soul for winning. I’m prepared to do it. Just get me that cheater/murder/rapist who is good enough to win me anything and I’ll be on board.
But anyway my point is that Kelly Olynyk is a piece of shit and if he really is a clumsy oaf, then where are all of the other season ending injuries he’s caused other players? Where is the pile of broken arms he’s left in his wake due to his inability of properly block out an opposing rebounder? Surely he would be injuring other players on a nightly basis if he was clumsy enough to dislocate a shoulder trying to “get to a loose ball”?
Oh, he’s only ever done that to one player? In the last game of a playoff sweep where he was being dominated for the first 3 games and he was frustrated? Where he was so mentally dominated that he just decided to resort to the most bush league tactic in the history of sport and he intentionally hurt another player? Oh yeah, that’s what happened. I almost forgot. Kelly Olynyk is a pathetic goon and if JR Smith doesn’t sucker punch him in the back of his head in the first 3 minutes of the game the next time the Cavs play the Celtics then I will be greatly disappointed.
Posted: November 8, 2015 in Sports
Tags: nintendo, nx, ps4, video games, xbox one
Nintendo announced a new console earlier this year, (code named “NX) and it is expected to be revealed sometime next year. Industry insiders seem to think the NX will be some sort of home console that can also be used on the go. As usual, I’m not excited about anything they are doing and I don’t feel as if someone my age (34) is or has been their target demographic when it come to personally playing videogames. I understand that there are parents my age buying Wii Us and 3D’s for their kids but I refuse to believe they play any of that crap when the kids go to bed. I owned a DS when I was 25 and I felt like a creeper for it. Couldn’t play it in public. That’s my last fling with Nintendo besides the Wii which I’m not even going to count because every TV in America had one of those things hooked up to it at one point. That wasn’t real gaming. Swinging a controller around with my grandma, pretending we’re bowling in the living room is not a real way to describe gaming. And that’s finally where Nintendo lost me. It was with the Wii that I decided Nintendo was for kids and despite all of my early childhood love for consoles like the Nintendo, Game Boy, Super Nintendo and even the 64, that I had moved on and was surprised and angered that Nintendo wasn’t maturing with me. Companies like Microsoft and Sony had stepped in with systems that resonated more with what I wanted. (lots of violence and guns)
But years have passed and like millions of others out there my natural affinity for Nintendo still remains. The whole “Nintendo is retro” phase is almost near it’s end and it basically proved to me that there are people out there, including myself who would love to see Nintendo release a real, honest to god, not gimmicky console. It’s not like they’re out of the console game entirely either like SEGA. They could ACTUALLY do it if they wanted to. Imagine a Nintendo console that had a real controller that wasn’t all stupid looking and you didn’t have to swing it around or look at it while you played. I understand that Nintendo has been about the most innovative company out there when it comes to controllers by inventing features like the D pad, shoulder buttons, wireless technology that worked, standard analog, and probably a whole bunch of other crap that I’m forgetting. But imagine that they just designed a really awesome controller that used all of those features in a non gimmicky way. No nun chucks and giant screens for a gamepad. Am I open to a screen being on my controller? Sure, just don’t make it stupid and annoying like the Wii U. Imagine if Nintendo built a real network where you could connect with your friends and do all the shit you can do on Xbox live. Even Sony’s network is totally fucked up and its a hundred times better than Nintendo’s. Imagine playing all of these awesome third party games on a Nintendo that are on PS4 and Xbox One. Playing the next Zelda AND Black Ops 3 on the SAME system?! Sign me up!
What I’m trying to say is if Nintendo made a real system that competed with Sony and Microsoft I’d totally buy it because deep down inside I’m still a fan boy and I think there are many more like me out there. I don’t believe there are any strong allegiances to these companies like there was back in the 90’s and the most recent console war is proof of that. Microsoft had won the last generation in the public eye (although I think Sony ended up selling more PS3s by the end of it) but this generation is being dominated by Sony so far. But I think Nintendo would be in the unique position to step in as a company that a lot of gamers loved as a child and would be willing to renew their allegiance to. If the system was any good I would in a heartbeat.
They could just call it Nintendo. No fancy name needed. I’d get behind Super Duper Nintendo in all honesty. They could even release it in their 5 different colors like they always do for everything now. I’d get an orange one. Or a throw back two-tone gray like the NES.
Posted: October 29, 2015 in basketball, Sports
Tags: Back, Cavs, injury, lebron
What am I supposed to do with this shit? What I am supposed to think here? Of course LeBron is ok, right?! How big of an asshole would I have to be to think for a split second that his back might not be 100%? Yes, we all know he got an injection last week just like he did last year during his mid-season vacation, and he came back to finish the season strong. But this doesn’t feel the same to me. Players don’t just lay around on the fucking ground for the fun of it. They’ve got some pretty decent chairs sitting right next to the court that not only give the player a great view of the action, but have plenty of back support that should satisfy any world class athlete. Common losers spend a couple thousand dollars a night to sit in those same seats every night and LeBron just pisses all over the idea by sprawling out on a blanket like he’s having a picnic. This will probably catch on and all the stars across the league and some scrubs will be laying around on the floor the next time they roll an ankle or their hamstring tightens up. (Yes I know players have done this before but now LeBron is doing it so it’s important, see?)
Anyway, I’d like to mention that the image of LeBron blatantly resting his broken back on national TV doesn’t make me think for one second that he won’t carry the entire team around on his shoulders all year AND win a title, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel awesome about seeing it. If anything it’s a power move I guess. “Look, my spine is so fucked up I can’t even sit in a chair!….just kidding, I’m averaging 26-9-8.”