Posted: December 15, 2016 in Sports
Photo credit: LA Times
Not much to say past the title here but in case you’re wondering how to easily increase your wealth this or any Sunday make sure you’re taking whoever they play and the points. I don’t care if they’re getting 75 points. Browns haven’t covered in 2 months. Probably won’t for the rest of the year so even if they do once you’ll still be in the black come January.
This has been a sad secret amongst Browns fans who’ve been watching this team all year. We’ve been almost too embarrassed to even talk about it and just hope no one will notice. I’m not sure the nation knows just how bad this team is. They know about the 0-13 record but not necessarily about the complete lack of competitiveness. The only saving grace is that you’re basically getting paid to be a Browns fan this year if you’re betting with your brain and not your heart. If you watch every week you know but if you’re the average schmuck trying to cover his rent in Louisiana you might be scared off by some of the shittier teams we’re playing. The Bills starting Tyron Taylor in a blizzard? They’ll cover, don’t worry. Bet everything you own. Steal money from your parents and bet it. They’ll understand and thank you.
So I’m not going to let myself be dilusional enough to think that anyone is going to read this except for myself 10 years from now. But this whole blog is basically a coping mechanism I use to deal with a lot of disappointment I feel as a Cleveland sports fan. I watch a goddamn awful lot of sports and think about them even more so I need a device that saves a few random snapshots of my thoughts every once in a while that I can reflect on some time down the road. Maybe my kids will read some of this crap one day and understand why their dad is the way he is.
I don’t think I will forget any of this for my whole life but just in case my memory slips a little here is what I loved the most about this whole experience:
The game flew by. I remember complaining every timeout that I hated the stupid commercials (D Wade drinking frozen Gatorade in the fortress of solitude) but it was over in an instant. Not unlike my wedding day. Just a complete whirlwind of emotion.
Kyrie is a cold blooded killer. I was talking with some friends a few months ago and said that the Cavs could beat the Warriors if he out shot Steph. Watching him the last few years I knew he could do it. I honestly think Klay is a better shooter than Steph but I think Kyrie is a better clutch shooter than both of them. And that’s not taking anything away from either of them, I constantly live in fear of seeing the ball leave their hands toward the hoop. But there are times when Kyrie is so hot that I have no doubt in my mind that the ball is going in.
I had total confidence in LeBron going into the game. I knew we had the best player in the world on our team and in a one game playoff and that’s the most you can ask for. He didn’t disappoint with a triple double and the most important chase down block I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s been doing those his whole career and it’s always just been a bonus to everything else he does, but now you see how truly important it is to never give up on a play.
Plus I appreciated his throwback over acted broken arm injury at the most important moment in the history of the franchise. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched him rolling around under the basket being absolutely convinced he was dying only to see him pop up and knock down his free throws.
Love pulled through with a solid game and JR may have saved the season in the 3rd quarter with 8 straight points to erase an 8 point deficit. If the Warriors push it up to 10 or 12, the game is probably over.
I’ll always be thankful to have seen a championship in Cleveland. I’ve never felt like a loser for cheering for them just constantly disappointed. But the weight of maybe never experiencing the pure joy of winning one has been lifted and now all I can think about is how much I want to feel this for the Indians and Browns.
Ken (fan of the World Champion Cleveland Cavaliers)
Posted: June 7, 2016 in Sports
There’s not much more to say than that I guess. Obviously the series is not over yet as the Cavs are only (only…🙄) down 2-0 in the series with the next 2 in Cleveland. But after that pathetic blowout loss in game 2 I’m not feeling very optimistic for the next few games. But more distressing than our defense/offense/effort is the sense I’m getting that some loser fans are already looking for the “brightside” or “positive spin” on the situation. Loser bullshit like “good for Andy, he deserves it.”
I’m sorry to tell you but there is NO positive spin for any of this. The Cavs are getting their brains beat in and there are going to to be some serious changes coming next year. Does LeBron leave? I doubt it and I’m not even concerned about it. Does Love or Irving get traded? One of them does I bet. Whichever LeBron doesn’t want around anymore obviously. Will we get a real big? We fucking better. And maybe most importantly we get some heart. Some asshole with a chip on his shoulder who can contribute. An Igoudala type.
A quick word about Andy: yes he was with the team for a long time and endured a lot and became a fan favorite because of his hustle and hair. But he also got paid a lot (horrible contract that to this day I can’t believe the Cavs gave him) got injured even more, can’t really score, is a middle of the road rebounder, and is overall not very productive. Actually the whole reason he was traded was because he isn’t good anymore. So now he plays garbage time with The Warriors and will probably win a title. Fuck ’em. He never helped us win anything. Maybe he’ll bring his ring back to Cleveland and show it to everyone! Won’t you be so happy to go see it?
We’ve all been there. You’re so pissed you don’t know what your body is doing. It’s how tuff guys (proper spelling for the situation) shatter their hands punching door frames and it’s how 60 dollar Xbox controllers end up exploding on the floor after you’ve come to the realization that you’re not good at call of duty.
But when Capuano’s brain goes into auto pilot rage he’s not trying to put a hole in the nearest wall, not even close. He carefully opens his faux leather Lens Crafters case, gently unfolds a soft microfiber towel to lightly wipe off any dust or debris that may have collected on his scratch resistant, progressive bifocal lens reading glasses and then he PUTS THEM THE FUCK ON!! The madness doesn’t end there though because his next impulsive twitch is to take them RIGHT BACK THE FUCK OFF!! Seconds later he’s looking around at all of the carnage wondering what just happened. Did he really just see slightly better for a split second or was it all a dream? Did his team really just go down 2 goals in a close out game or is he in the matrix still? Only way to know for sure is to check the scoreboard by putting on those glasses again! Hulk smash!
Posted: February 26, 2016 in Sports
A goddamn Canadian Cavs fan. Unbelievable.
Look, I understand he’s sitting courtside and has more money in his pocket than I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t have this shit. You don’t buy your way into fandom. You don’t get picked up from school in a limo and have a pre game VIP meet and greet with the players and look like you fix your hair with a blow dryer and Aqua net. You know this kid loves Drake right? He loves The Blue Jays and the shitty Maple Leafs too. You know he loves everything about being Canadian. Why can’t he just love his stupid Raptors and leave my team out of it?!
Posted: January 9, 2016 in Sports
Nothing better than seeing other fans melt down all the while pretending they have any more class than other fans. When the world is shitting on your team you throw the nearest thing you can find on the field in protest. That’s just what you do. Thank god most people don’t bring their infant children to games
Posted: November 24, 2015 in basketball, blown call, comedy, humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports
Tags: Cavs, curry, kevin love, nba, steph, warriors
So I’m sitting here waiting out the Celtics vs. Hawks game (just an appetizer before the Warriors game where I’m absolutely convinced Curry will somehow leave the arena in an ambulance by the 2nd quarter) and I’m watching stupid Kelly Olynyk running up and down the court like a fucking goon and I’m reminded about how much I hate his entire existence and the idiotic argument that what he did to Kevin Love in the playoffs was somehow an accident. It’s just an insult to anyone with a shred of common sense and two eyeballs that he didn’t absolutely rip his arm out of socket on purpose. The most common argument is that Olynyk is just a big clumsy goofball that doesn’t have control over his body and he accidentally latched onto his arm and fell. These are the same assholes who will try to tell you with a straight face that Brady doesn’t deflate footballs. They just hide behind the good fortune that has befallen them and will bitch like everyone else when a call goes against them. Let’s not kid ourselves. They are just doing what any other fan would do. It’s like how Ravens fans were able to stand behind Ray Lewis all those years. There’s no way they could actually feel good as a person for cheering for him, but they lie to themselves because they know it’s their only chance to win. They buy their kids a murder’s jersey, and pretend they’re a respectable human. But I get it, I would do the same thing if I ever had a player on my team worth cheering for. It’s all part of being a fan. You sell your soul for winning. I’m prepared to do it. Just get me that cheater/murder/rapist who is good enough to win me anything and I’ll be on board.
But anyway my point is that Kelly Olynyk is a piece of shit and if he really is a clumsy oaf, then where are all of the other season ending injuries he’s caused other players? Where is the pile of broken arms he’s left in his wake due to his inability of properly block out an opposing rebounder? Surely he would be injuring other players on a nightly basis if he was clumsy enough to dislocate a shoulder trying to “get to a loose ball”?
Oh, he’s only ever done that to one player? In the last game of a playoff sweep where he was being dominated for the first 3 games and he was frustrated? Where he was so mentally dominated that he just decided to resort to the most bush league tactic in the history of sport and he intentionally hurt another player? Oh yeah, that’s what happened. I almost forgot. Kelly Olynyk is a pathetic goon and if JR Smith doesn’t sucker punch him in the back of his head in the first 3 minutes of the game the next time the Cavs play the Celtics then I will be greatly disappointed.