Posted: November 24, 2015 in basketball, blown call, comedy, humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports
Tags: Cavs, curry, kevin love, nba, steph, warriors
So I’m sitting here waiting out the Celtics vs. Hawks game (just an appetizer before the Warriors game where I’m absolutely convinced Curry will somehow leave the arena in an ambulance by the 2nd quarter) and I’m watching stupid Kelly Olynyk running up and down the court like a fucking goon and I’m reminded about how much I hate his entire existence and the idiotic argument that what he did to Kevin Love in the playoffs was somehow an accident. It’s just an insult to anyone with a shred of common sense and two eyeballs that he didn’t absolutely rip his arm out of socket on purpose. The most common argument is that Olynyk is just a big clumsy goofball that doesn’t have control over his body and he accidentally latched onto his arm and fell. These are the same assholes who will try to tell you with a straight face that Brady doesn’t deflate footballs. They just hide behind the good fortune that has befallen them and will bitch like everyone else when a call goes against them. Let’s not kid ourselves. They are just doing what any other fan would do. It’s like how Ravens fans were able to stand behind Ray Lewis all those years. There’s no way they could actually feel good as a person for cheering for him, but they lie to themselves because they know it’s their only chance to win. They buy their kids a murder’s jersey, and pretend they’re a respectable human. But I get it, I would do the same thing if I ever had a player on my team worth cheering for. It’s all part of being a fan. You sell your soul for winning. I’m prepared to do it. Just get me that cheater/murder/rapist who is good enough to win me anything and I’ll be on board.
But anyway my point is that Kelly Olynyk is a piece of shit and if he really is a clumsy oaf, then where are all of the other season ending injuries he’s caused other players? Where is the pile of broken arms he’s left in his wake due to his inability of properly block out an opposing rebounder? Surely he would be injuring other players on a nightly basis if he was clumsy enough to dislocate a shoulder trying to “get to a loose ball”?
Oh, he’s only ever done that to one player? In the last game of a playoff sweep where he was being dominated for the first 3 games and he was frustrated? Where he was so mentally dominated that he just decided to resort to the most bush league tactic in the history of sport and he intentionally hurt another player? Oh yeah, that’s what happened. I almost forgot. Kelly Olynyk is a pathetic goon and if JR Smith doesn’t sucker punch him in the back of his head in the first 3 minutes of the game the next time the Cavs play the Celtics then I will be greatly disappointed.
Posted: November 8, 2015 in Sports
Tags: nintendo, nx, ps4, video games, xbox one
Nintendo announced a new console earlier this year, (code named “NX) and it is expected to be revealed sometime next year. Industry insiders seem to think the NX will be some sort of home console that can also be used on the go. As usual, I’m not excited about anything they are doing and I don’t feel as if someone my age (34) is or has been their target demographic when it come to personally playing videogames. I understand that there are parents my age buying Wii Us and 3D’s for their kids but I refuse to believe they play any of that crap when the kids go to bed. I owned a DS when I was 25 and I felt like a creeper for it. Couldn’t play it in public. That’s my last fling with Nintendo besides the Wii which I’m not even going to count because every TV in America had one of those things hooked up to it at one point. That wasn’t real gaming. Swinging a controller around with my grandma, pretending we’re bowling in the living room is not a real way to describe gaming. And that’s finally where Nintendo lost me. It was with the Wii that I decided Nintendo was for kids and despite all of my early childhood love for consoles like the Nintendo, Game Boy, Super Nintendo and even the 64, that I had moved on and was surprised and angered that Nintendo wasn’t maturing with me. Companies like Microsoft and Sony had stepped in with systems that resonated more with what I wanted. (lots of violence and guns)
But years have passed and like millions of others out there my natural affinity for Nintendo still remains. The whole “Nintendo is retro” phase is almost near it’s end and it basically proved to me that there are people out there, including myself who would love to see Nintendo release a real, honest to god, not gimmicky console. It’s not like they’re out of the console game entirely either like SEGA. They could ACTUALLY do it if they wanted to. Imagine a Nintendo console that had a real controller that wasn’t all stupid looking and you didn’t have to swing it around or look at it while you played. I understand that Nintendo has been about the most innovative company out there when it comes to controllers by inventing features like the D pad, shoulder buttons, wireless technology that worked, standard analog, and probably a whole bunch of other crap that I’m forgetting. But imagine that they just designed a really awesome controller that used all of those features in a non gimmicky way. No nun chucks and giant screens for a gamepad. Am I open to a screen being on my controller? Sure, just don’t make it stupid and annoying like the Wii U. Imagine if Nintendo built a real network where you could connect with your friends and do all the shit you can do on Xbox live. Even Sony’s network is totally fucked up and its a hundred times better than Nintendo’s. Imagine playing all of these awesome third party games on a Nintendo that are on PS4 and Xbox One. Playing the next Zelda AND Black Ops 3 on the SAME system?! Sign me up!
What I’m trying to say is if Nintendo made a real system that competed with Sony and Microsoft I’d totally buy it because deep down inside I’m still a fan boy and I think there are many more like me out there. I don’t believe there are any strong allegiances to these companies like there was back in the 90’s and the most recent console war is proof of that. Microsoft had won the last generation in the public eye (although I think Sony ended up selling more PS3s by the end of it) but this generation is being dominated by Sony so far. But I think Nintendo would be in the unique position to step in as a company that a lot of gamers loved as a child and would be willing to renew their allegiance to. If the system was any good I would in a heartbeat.
They could just call it Nintendo. No fancy name needed. I’d get behind Super Duper Nintendo in all honesty. They could even release it in their 5 different colors like they always do for everything now. I’d get an orange one. Or a throw back two-tone gray like the NES.
Posted: October 29, 2015 in basketball, Sports
Tags: Back, Cavs, injury, lebron
What am I supposed to do with this shit? What I am supposed to think here? Of course LeBron is ok, right?! How big of an asshole would I have to be to think for a split second that his back might not be 100%? Yes, we all know he got an injection last week just like he did last year during his mid-season vacation, and he came back to finish the season strong. But this doesn’t feel the same to me. Players don’t just lay around on the fucking ground for the fun of it. They’ve got some pretty decent chairs sitting right next to the court that not only give the player a great view of the action, but have plenty of back support that should satisfy any world class athlete. Common losers spend a couple thousand dollars a night to sit in those same seats every night and LeBron just pisses all over the idea by sprawling out on a blanket like he’s having a picnic. This will probably catch on and all the stars across the league and some scrubs will be laying around on the floor the next time they roll an ankle or their hamstring tightens up. (Yes I know players have done this before but now LeBron is doing it so it’s important, see?)
Anyway, I’d like to mention that the image of LeBron blatantly resting his broken back on national TV doesn’t make me think for one second that he won’t carry the entire team around on his shoulders all year AND win a title, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel awesome about seeing it. If anything it’s a power move I guess. “Look, my spine is so fucked up I can’t even sit in a chair!….just kidding, I’m averaging 26-9-8.”
This is not so much a complaint as it is a cry for help and an attempt to drum up conversation for a game that was released 5 months ago that you surely love or never heard of. There is no middle ground here. Let me lay out the facts of the situation. I am an American male in my mid 30s who has been playing videogames since I was 5 years old. I found out my older sister had an Atari buried away in the closet that she didn’t care about; I dug it out and have been a lowly gamer ever since. But unlike those early days of little to no responsibility outside of dressing myself and peeing in a toilet, I have real life big boy responsibilities to deal with that can only be shirked for so long. I have job, wife, child, (with another on the way) home, bills and countless other (albeit less important) responsibilities that take up my time and energy each and every day. I want to be a loving husband, engaging father, valued employee, and all-round productive member of society. But how am I supposed to accomplish any of this when I absolutely 100% cannot stop thinking about playing the Witcher 3? How can I play cars with my 2 year old when I can’t stop searching for Cat Gear location videos on YouTube? How can I ask my wife about her day when all I’m really wondering is if there is another journeyman blacksmith in Novigrad that I can have craft my weapons while the other one is involved in his stupid dumpling dispute. Because I’m only level 17 and I have like 3 more levels to go before I can safely help him become a Master blacksmith, but I have sword needs in the meantime dammit! I’m a Witcher for Christ’s sake! I need my steel!!! (and silver)
Anyway this game has taken over my PS4 and nighttime “free time” (this doesn’t exist when you have a young child. All time you have away from said child should be used to prepare yourself for the next encounter you will have with the child i.e. wash their clothes, dishes, pack lunches, fix whatever they broke, clean whatever they dirtied, hide whatever they won’t stop messing with, and most importantly…sleep) But I can’t get NONE of that shit done when I need to make time to travel back to White Orchard to gather some balise fruit for a Killer Whale potion since none of the loser herbalists in Valen seem to be selling any.God I hate that any of this matters to me but it’s the current state of my life. I just need to power through this rough time until I can find some other less time consuming games to plow through. Next up will be the Uncharted Collection with short bursts of Star Wars Battlefront. I’m not even going to consider Fallout 4 until my firstborn is in college.
-Ken (devoted husband, loving father, Witcher for hire)
P.S. I can’t believe I wasted my time typing all of this when I could have been exterminating bandit camps and searching for guarded treasure. Valuable sleeping child time….
Posted: October 12, 2015 in Sports
Tags: Barnidge, browns, catch, ravens
Gary Barnidge pulls the ball in with his nuts to secure a late score on Sunday to help the Browns win their first game in Baltimore since 2007.
I stressed about the stupid Browns vs. Ravens game yesterday harder than any game so far this year. You know once your team goes 1-4 your season is done and there’s nothing worse than football season being over in the beginning of October. That’s exactly the scenario the Browns were faced with as both teams were 1-3 going into the game and fighting to stay relevant for one more week. Not only did the Browns some how stave off death for the immediate future, they gave their fans a reason to tolerate their families and coworkers for a couple of days. Nothing worse than when the Browns lose and you have to pretend like it doesn’t make you want to kill everyone you see for the next 48 hours. Then once you can see past your blind rage you still have to function as a productive member of society. Drive your kid to school while keeping the road rage cursing to a minimum. Maintain a professional relationship with your boss who’s a Bucs fan and for some reason thinks they’re a much better team. By the time you’ve willed all of your murderous demons into submission and can actually string 2 or 3 sane thoughts together in a row, it’s already next Sunday and the Browns still don’t know how to tackle or convert 3rd downs. BUT NOT THIS WEEK!!! this week the Raven fans get to hate their lives and we can all patiently wait until we might have to hate our lives for all of next week. God I love football season.
Unfortunately I don’t know how to have good weeks even when the Browns do win. I’m so surprised at my joy that I can only marvel at the fact that I’m not angry. So anyway it’s on to the Super Bowl for sure now that Josh McCown is the best quarterback in the world and Gary Barnidge is the greatest playmaker the league has ever seen.
Posted: October 11, 2015 in Sports
Well there it is. Your classic, “kick yourself in the face, you’re going to have to learn how to walk again, tore every ligament in your body, how is that even possible, life threatening leg injury.”
If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time you know that I have a special place in my heart for horrific knee injuries. It’s better than watching car crashes because they’re almost always on camera and available to watch frame by frame in slow motion. You can analyze and savor every last millisecond over and over until you either climax or your laptop dies. No matter what I start off watching on Youtube I always end up in the “Life ending soccer knee injury” section.
So pour yourself a glass of bourbon, settle in and enjoy starring at this picture for the rest of the night with me.
Obviously this is a terrible injury and I hope he’s ok and can come back from it. Hell, I’m sure the Browns will draft him next year and I’ll be wearing his jersey in less than a year from now. But you have to understand my fascination with these injuries have nothing to do with the person or any kind of life altering ramifications they may cause. It’s purely a visual euphoria that makes every last synapse in my brain fire off like it’s the 4th of July. It’s like appreciating a Picasso, you know both eyes don’t belong on one side of the face but it looks so beautiful when it’s done with some artistic ability. Likewise, I know a human’s leg should never look like a gazelle’s back leg, but when they can pull it off you can’t help but appreciate it. Life is art, man! You just have to keep your eyes open or you’ll miss it!
Having suffered a couple of knee injuries myself I know some of the pain he’ll be enduring in the future. However unlike me, he’ll be returning to his competitive athletic form, where as I just wanted to learn how to walk in a straight line without a limp and be able to golf again without my leg folding in half on my follow through. It’s all about quality of life when you’re not a star athlete.