Now How am I Supposed to Die?!

Posted: November 8, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , ,

Good Morning America- The U.S. Food and Drug Administration just announced its preliminary determination that partially hydrogenated oil is no longer generally recognized as safe for use in food. The move paves the way for a ban, or at the very least, strict limits on the fake fats, which are the primary source of artificial trans fats in the diet. Artificial trans fats are formed when food makers turn liquid oils into solid fats in a process called hydrogenation. Hydrogenation increases a food’s shelf life, but the science shows it also pumps the body full of artery-clogging fat. Think whipping up your sweet treats from a mix is a safer route to avoiding trans fats? Mixes like Keebler Ready Crust Mini Graham Cracker Pie Crust and Betty Crocker Pie Crust Mix list 2 and 2.5 grams of trans fat per serving respectively. And if you frost your own cake with Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Chocolate Fudge Frosting, you’ll add 1.5 grams of trans fats to your semi-homemade dessert.

So at first when I saw this my immediate reaction was to be pissed about how the government is taking yet another choice away from us. Our freedom is being systematically eliminated right in front of our eyes and we’re just standing around waiting to be told what to do like a bunch of sheep, man!! I always have immediate rage reactions about this stuff until I remember that I don’t really care that much. But this situation is a little different.

I always assumed I was going to die of a heart attack. And not just one of those little “Ow, my heart hurts, I better go to the hospital….no…wait….I’m slipping into unconsciousness…..I guess I’m dead……” kind of heart attacks. I’m talking about when you’re walking down the street and your heart explodes in your chest and your last words are “Gaccckkkampphm!!!” as you clutch your chest and fly to the pavement with the force of a shotgun blast. But now I know I’m not even eating the right foods in the first place. I’m getting fat eating chips and pizza and shit like that. I just went to the fridge and learned that none of my junk foods contains Trans fats!! If you have to take the time to bake a pie or cake to get all fat then you are a seriously dedicated fatty. I should have known that only the most dedicated and disgusting fatties get to have a bomb go off in their chest as their reward for a lifelong disregard for their health and appearance.  I’ve been taking the easy way out all this time. Turns out I’m more likely to have a stroke which I’ll probably live through and then suffer the rest of my pathetic life in a wheel chair not using the left side of my body (I’m left handed by the way) and not knowing where the fuck I am. I need to head over to the bakery before it’s too late for me. I suggest you do the same. Our preferred method of death is about the last decision we have left as Americans. Don’t let that get taken away too.




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