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Like I said, should’ve bet the house. I didn’t fare as bad as I thought but I (yes me, fuck the actors) got robbed on a couple picks. Either way here are the results from the good categories.

Drama Movie – 12 Years a Slave, nailed it. Easiest pick of the night. Slaves will beat Formula 1 drivers all day, white guilt never dies.

Comedy Movie – American Hustle, nailed it. Wolf of Wall Street was better but Goodfellas was also better than Dancing with Wolves. Nothing you can do there.

Actor Drama – Matthew McConaughey (after typing his name so many fucking times I finally know how to spell it), kinda nailed it. I guessed him as second but in the review of the movie I basically blew his AIDs ridden dick about his performance. Thought for sure the white guilt would continue throughout the whole awards ceremony but clearly HIV/AIDs stuff is hot right now. Alright alright alright

Actor Comedy – Leonardo DiCaprio, nailed it. Best line of the whole awards show from the hosts, “And just like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio”. Couldn’t be more true, dude is a stud.

Actress Comedy and Supporting Actress- Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrencse, whiffed both times. I really liked American Hustle but these two did not stand out as the best performances. Lupita from 12 years a slave was amazing and should’ve won and I figured Meryl Streep is just handed awards at this point. Either way, JLaw and Amy Adams, just so you know, I’d slay both of ya. You’re welcome.

Actress Drama – Cate Blanchett, whiffed. In my own defense, 1) I didn’t see the movie and 2) I don’t really give a shit.

Supporting Actor – Jared Leto, nailed it. Guy was amazing in the movie and I would give my left fucking arm to be around him and Leo at the after parties. Tell every chick I’m their cousin and watch the cooka roll in.

Director – Spanish guy from Gravity, nailed it. I refuse to learn his name or look it up. Too lazy, good movie though, panic attacks for days.

Animated – Frozen, whiffed. What the fuck? How do the minions not win? The Golden Globes HATE Steve Carrell. No wins for Michael Scott, and now this. Still blows my mind he never won for the Office.

TV Drama – Breaking Bad, nailed it. Couldn’t have gone any other way. Followed in the Sopranos footsteps for the final season and crushed it.

TV Comedy – Brooklyn Nine Nine, kinda nailed it. It was my sleeper pick and it won. I don’t know why but it’s a very watchable show. You won’t ever laugh out loud but it’s still good. Maybe they play subliminal messages who knows.

Supporting TV Actor – Jon Voight, fuck this shit. I love Ray Donovan and I have since the first minute of the show. It’s a different kind of story but the same used up story line (tough guy can’t control his family but he controls other people). Voight was good on the show, kind of hacky but good. No one did better than Aaron Paul as a supporting actor on TV last year. This was bullshit.

Actor TV Drama- Bryan Cranston, nailed it. Just like the show winning this couldn’t have gone any other way. Should share it with Aaron though. God that pisses me off.

Side notes…
Olivia Wilde is the hottest pregnant chick ever right? Can I get her pregnant while she is currently carrying a child? Would love to find out
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Also, what the fuck is up with Woody Allen? First of all when someone gives you a LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD you show up to the fucking ceremony. It’s not like they gave him a Director of the Week paper weight. Secondly, did everyone forget he is married to his daughter?? That is super creepy, disgusting, and should be illegal. Thirdly, Diane Keaton is batshit crazy. At least he for sure got cucholded by Frank Sinatra. Look at his kid and tell me he came from his ugly weird balls.
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-Jesse

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