It all comes down to who gets the better pussy. Now hear me out before you get all judgmental. The guys who get the least interesting pussy are leading their teams to the Super Bowl and the guys who like the weird stuff are going home. Look at the figures.
Colin Kaepernick is a single guy, huge beak, but in really good shape and practically naked in all of his magazine articles. Chicks probably send him their panties in the mail like we get ads for sales at the local car dealership. Bitches are throwing 7 different kinds of smoke at the guy. His mind was clouded with which AVN Award winner he was gonna bang after the game instead of “Should I throw a really tight pass at the best cover corner in the game with 22 seconds left”.

Animal House reference for those that don't get it

Animal House reference for those that don’t get it

On the other hand Russell Wilson has 3 ugly dogs and a wife who I’m sure only does missionary (work) and jerks him off with a glove on. Side note..Both guys claim to be very religious. Wilson says he had a dream with Jesus in it and that made him become a Christian. Kaepernick is covered in ‘religious tattoos’ and only dreams of big booty hoes. Fact.



Next we move on to the AFC Championship game. See here the same rules apply even though both guys are married. Peyton met his wife BEFORE his freshman year of college so he didn’t even get to have a three way with fat chicks, get a blowie from a ‘could it be a dude’ looking girl while hammered or get that phone call on your way to class from a chick (you swore you wrapped it up with) saying she missed her period. Plus look at his forehead. 

Never even heard of the missionary position

Never even heard of the missionary position

Brady wrote the book on rail and bails. He’s been getting crazy pussy since Day 1 but since he locked it up with Gisele, the most famous supermodel EVER, he hasn’t won shit. Coincidence? Hell no. She’s a Brazilian so I’m sure she is showing Tommy stuff we’ve never even see before. Rattlesnake wiggle, alligator fuckhouse, Cincinnati bowties, and hot carls for days. Probably gives Gisele some Arabian Goggles then goes downstairs for coffee in the morning. When he was fucking normal hot chicks his head was clear, all was good. He had a fucking BABY on the way and he dumped the bitch for Gisele. You can’t argue the facts there people!

NSFW Pic of Gisele

So congrats to the winners I guess. Give your wives some quiet, passionate, guy on top lame sex and chase that Lombardi trophy. Kaep and Brady will be in the South Pacific tied up to radiators getting their balls tasered because that’s the shit you do when you’re on their level. Bet they both wear Beats headphones and Uggs the whole time those sick fucks.

PS It’s even more fitting now that fucking Bruno Mars is the halftime show with these QBs. That’s probably half the reason the Pats and Niners lost. Who wants to watch that shit live.



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