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ESPN- A Utah ape that has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years predicted Thursday that the Seattle Seahawks will be the next NFL champion. Eli the ape ran into an enclosure Thursday morning and swiftly knocked down a papier-mache helmet bearing the Seahawks logo, signaling his pick, said Erica Hansen of Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City. “He made his pick without any hesitation,” Hansen said. That could mean bad news for Broncos fans. The 13-year-old primate hasn’t been wrong since 2006. “He’s better than the Vegas odds-makers,” Hansen said.

As someone who likes animals a whole hell of a lot more than people, I fucking hate these animals. The ape always picks the SB winner, the hippo shits on the march madness brackets at a 90% win rate, the skunk sprays skunk stuff all over the World Series MVPs picture. Get the fuck over it people they’re animals. Whoever is handling the beast that day put a dot or a stink on the thing they want to win. It’s pure, unabashed luck and I hate how stupid people are when they say things like ‘he’s better than the Vegas odds-makers!’ No fuck stick he’s an ape who just threw a hunk of shit at you.
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PS Always bet with the manatees, they’re the cow of the sea and cows are awesome. Tricked you with that rant huh? Broncos all day

-Jesse

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