Spanx Getting Their Own Store in Tampa Sucks

Posted: January 31, 2014 in breaking news, comedy, florida, hot girls, manly humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire
Tags: , , , , , ,

They even use false ads, this girl does NOT need Spanx

They even use false ads, this girl does NOT need Spanx


TBO- There’s help on the way, Tampa Bay, for those who need a bit of help to suck in that gut. The Spanx empire of slimming shapewear will soon open a stand-alone store at the International Plaza mall, in a space where Sony once sold high-end electronics. The Spanx brand is already a global success story, selling modern girdles in a host of retail outlets. This one, however, will be the first independent Spanx retail site in the region. The story of Spanx has become legend in the retail market. Sarah Blakely was working as a sales trainer by day and performing stand-up comedy at night in the 1990s. Originally from Clearwater, Blakely was selling fax machines in the Clearwater area. She hated the feel and look of panty hose in open toed shoes, yet liked the shaping effect of the fabric elsewhere. So she cut the feet out of a pair of panty hose and had an aha moment. With a $5,000 investment and a patent (she wrote the first draft after consulting a textbook from Barnes & Noble), she began the company that reinvented the girdle for a new generation of women. She chose the name “Spanx” in part by looking at other successful brands, such as Coca-Cola and Kodak, that had a distinctive “K” sound.

There goes the fucking neighborhood. In what alternate reality is it better to have fat chicks wearing girdles than Sony selling bad ass electronics? How about instead of just another thing to trick men into loving you, women just go to a fucking Crunch and get in shape. Eat a salad instead of 19 hoe-hoes while telling yourself that men love girls with something to grab onto. That’s partially right, we love to grab onto tits and ass that are attached to a skinny body. We don’t however like to grab a huge belly and a flabby saggy ass. Just imagine this for me. You and your buddies are out on a Friday night, kinda drunk from too many Fireball shots. You see a pretty girl, long black hair (sexy), tan skin (exotic), beautiful eye lashes, nice perky boobs, small waist and a bubble butt. You go home with her and start getting nasty. You pull her hair a little, it comes off because it’s extensions. The tan starts to smear onto you because it’s sprayed on. Eye lashes fell off hours ago when you two did tequila shots. The boobs were a bra and chicken cutlet looking fakes. Small waist was thanks to Spanx and the bubble butt was padding. Fuck that shit. And guys get bitched at for lying about having a different job or driving a different car or not being single. Gimme a fucking break bitches.

This...

This…

Turns into this REAAAAAAAL quick

Turns into this REAAAAAAAL quick

-Jesse

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