The face of the enemy

Grind TV-A good omen, a bad diet, or merely some kind of mutation caused by some unknown factor?
These were some of the reactions among wholesalers in Japan when one of a shipment of red king crabs turned out to be lavender.
“I’ve been dealing with crabs for 25 years, but this is the first time to see that color,” Kenetsu Mikami, president of Marusan Ocean Foods, told the Japanese-language Hokkaido Doshin. “It could be a good omen.”

The crabs were caught off Russia in the Bering Sea and shipped to Hokkaido. Red king crabs are found in the Bering Sea and near the Aleutian Islands, along the coast of the Gulf of Alaska, and south to British Columbia, Canada. Also, there are populations from Hokkaido, Japan, to Cape Olyutorsk, Russia. They’re widely consumed around the world.

Just another example of how the world is passing America by. Just leaving us in the dust. Fucking Russia is coming out with blue red crabs now! BLUE! And we’re just slinging the same old shitty Alaskan king crab around like anyone gives a damn anymore.

“Oh, but it’s from Alaska, that’s far away and it’s cold there I think. It MUST be good right?”

Are we still stuck in “1960’s Las Vegas all you can eat buffet” land? No one’s been impressed with plain old dumpy red crabs since before I was born and I don’t think the hipsters are going to get around to making them ironically delicious again anytime soon, so let’s make a plan here. It’s time for some damage control.

Nike. Someone get Nike on the phone and have them whip up some new crabs for us. They completely made the Oregon Ducks relevant with a few color changes how hard can crabs be? Carbon fiber digital camo shells with lime green legs, torched metal antennae and turquoise and hot pink claws?! Fuck yes, please!

C’mon America! This is Russia we’re talking about here! We can’t be outdone by the commies in any food category especially when their entire population survives on potatoes and dirt. Don’t force me to eat something out of the Bering Sea; I can’t imagine there’s anything in there except mutant fish, AIDS, and nuclear war heads.

oregoncrabs

Oh my gawd!!!!!Get this into my mouth, stat!!!

-Ken

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