18′ Pythons Invading Florida: -Insert Dick Joke Here-

Posted: February 5, 2014 in breaking news, comedy, florida, humor, manly humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports, television, WWE
Tags: , , , , , , ,

If anything was ever going to eat you alive in your worst nightmares it would be a dead snake. I wouldn’t even stand in the same county as that thing

MIAMI (Reuters) – Engineers in the Everglades stumbled upon a near-record-breaking Burmese python measuring more than 18 feet long during a routine inspection of levees on Tuesday, a water management district spokesman said.

The snake, measuring at 18 feet 2 inches, fell short of the state record by 6 inches, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Last year, a snake collector in the state discovered the largest python on record there, measuring 18 feet 8 inches, commission spokeswoman Katie Johnson said.
The pythons, which can grow to more than 20 feet in their native habitat in Southeast Asia, are one of the most problematic invaders of Florida’s sprawling Everglades wetlands.
They eat indigenous species and their food sources, fueling concerns that the predator snakes will fundamentally change the ecosystem.
The python found on Tuesday was killed, and its corpse was taken to the University of Florida, where it will be measured and studied by scientists trying to combat the species, according to South Florida Water Management District spokesman Gabe Margasak.
Officials have said the python population is believed to have grown to as many as 150,000 in the Everglades. The cold-blooded reptiles are often found atop levees, where they lie for hours at a time to warm up under the Florida sun.
The snakes, one of the largest species in the world, found a home to their liking in the Everglades when pet owners started using the wetlands as a convenient dumping ground.

Reason number 64,875 to not move to Florida: Burmese Pythons the size of 3 adult humans. Yup, that means you and possibly your small family can all fit inside of one while being slowly digested. But don’t worry; you’ll be dead already because you will have had all the air crushed out of your lungs by a giant cold blooded soulless death snake. And if you’re going to be an irresponsible pet owner by illegally owning one in the first place in addition to not being able to properly take care of it, then why on earth are you such a goddamn peace loving hippy that can’t bring yourself to put a screw driver through its brain when it inevitably comes time to get rid of it. You’re the kind of idiot who would risk going to jail for 7 years for owning one but can’t even TRY to see if it can fit down a toilet? Instead you let it go into the wild where it will most definitely want to eat again at some point making dogs, babies, and drunk adults the most threatened living animals in the vicinity. Congratulations, you’ve just put 100% of Florida’s population at risk.

-Ken

My apologies to anyone thinking a story about 18’pythons invading Florida was going to be about Hulk Hogan’s biceps. I was hoping for the same thing.

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