Of Course ESPN is Making a 30 for 30 About Cleveland’s Sports Failures

Posted: February 10, 2014 in baseball, basketball, blown call, breaking news, comedy, football, humor, manly humor, movies, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports, super bowl, television
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Just stop giving them reasons to televise signs like this.

Locker Room Blog- The city of Cleveland may not have won a championship in any major sport in about 50 years, but the city with the nickname “Mistake by the Lake” is getting something which no other city has. Cleveland is getting an ESPN “30 for 30” documentary about its constant and horrible misfortune in sports. Since the Cleveland Browns won the city’s last championship in the pre-Super Bowl era, Cleveland has seen such memorable sports-related atrocities as the Ten Cent Beer Night riot, two consecutive collapses in the final minute of AFC Championship games, countless playoff pummellings from Michael Jordan, losing a World Series in extra innings of a Game 7, an embarrassing “throwing bottles at referees” incident, the whole LeBron thing, and seeing their NFL team carpetbag off to Baltimore and win two titles.

My only question is — How are they going to fit all of that into just one hour?

The ESPN “30 for 30” documentary about Cleveland’s sports misery has just started shooting, and will air in 2014. ESPN is apparently confident that Cleveland will not win any championships before then. The doc will be directed by Kris Belman, who directed the LeBron James high school team documentary “More than a Game” (available in it’s entirety at WatchDocumentary.org).

ESPN making a “30 for 30” about Cleveland sports miseryAll you need to know about the Cleveland Sports mentality can be summed up by the name of the city’s most popular sports blogs — Waiting For Next Year, Cleveland Sports Torture, The Factory of Sadness, Cleveland Frowns, and Red Right 88 (the name of the playcall that lost the Browns a playoff game to the Raiders in 1981. These people remember their losses forever.)

“It’s not just not having won a championship. It’s being almost there and not getting it done. Being left at the altar,” Delman told the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “To me it works best in this city.”

We can only hope Delman includes the work of Cleveland viral video comedian Mike Polk, he of the “Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video”, “Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt”, “Tribute to TNT’s ‘Inside the NBA'”,and the original Factory of Sadness.

Cavs won this game actually

As I’ve stated in an earlier post, the stooges at ESPN absolutely LOOOOVE to remind Cleveland that they haven’t won anything since 1964 and they take great joy in celebrating in the misery of its fans. Well the next edition of Fuck Cleveland: Sports Edition is coming this year and it’ll be the closest thing to telling a whole city to kill themselves as you can do without any repercussions. ESPN is literally hoping for mass suicides and devastating embarrassment to kill the hold outs. They are not unlike the Nazi’s trying to completely erase an entire group of people from the face of the earth. But whatever tactics they use will not work because the people of Cleveland are resilient and irrepressible. I’ve said it before, God forbid if any team ever wins a championship because there will be a one month dick waving party by every Cleveland fan you’ve ever met in your entire life. They will find you and slap the shit out of you with their dick until your eyes are bleeding. And trust me, you don’t want the last image you ever see to be a certain individual of eastern European decent wearing a Webster Slaughter jersey to bludgeon you to death with their crank.

I don’t know what kind of shit bag would make this movie, (same guy who made the LeBron high school documentary which was boring) but he better not present it in the condescending voice of ESPN. It’ll just turn into another pile on event and that will only lead to more cock floggings for others later. In fact, I would suggest the director just scraps the whole idea completely and focuses on doing something creative and fresh. Maybe another LeBron and Friends documentary or Fever Pitch 2: Just Keep the Duck Boats Running.

-Ken

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