Man Eating Tiger Roaming Around India Yet People Still Live There

Posted: February 14, 2014 in Animals, blown call, breaking news, comedy, florida, humor, manly humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports
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Fox News-MANIWALA, India – She lies in wait while her victims are collecting firewood, or taking cattle to graze, or working in the fields. She has grabbed people in broad daylight, carrying them away silently into the forests or the sugarcane fields. By the time the victims are found, often little is left but a pair of shoes, unspeakable gore and a ring of drying blood.

Over seven weeks she has traveled, almost completely unseen, for more than 120 miles. She has crossed villages, small towns and at least one highway.

A killer is stalking the villages of north India. She has killed at least nine people, all of them poor villagers living on the fringes of one of the world’s last wild tiger habitats. They are people who cannot afford a day off work, people who have no indoor plumbing and must use the fields as their toilets. They are people who know little about India’s recent successes in tiger conservation.

But with the sudden appearance of one tiger, they look at an animal so beloved to outsiders and see only a monster.

“She has turned into a man-eater,” said Vijay Pal Singh, whose neighbor, a 22-year-old farm laborer named Shiv Kumar Singh, was killed as he worked at the edge of a sugarcane field in January. In an area where nearly everyone works outside, this means life has been completely upended. “People are afraid to go into the fields,” said Singh. “Everything has changed.”

While hunters are brought in to kill man-eating tigers every year or so in India, it has been decades since a tiger killed as many people as this one, or stayed on the run so long.

“She won’t stop now. She’ll keep killing,” said Samar Jeet Singh, a hunter with an aristocratic pedigree, a curled-up moustache and a high-powered heirloom rifle. For almost a month he has been tracking the female tiger, most recently through the forests and dried riverbeds near where she made her last kill, cutting down an elderly buffalo herder last week. Searchers found just part of one arm and one leg. The tiger left the buffalos unharmed.

When he finds her, he said, he will shoot her dead.

“The time for tranquilizing is over, the time for caging is over,” he said. “Now she must be killed.”

So we talk shit about Florida quite a bit on this blog, and rightfully so. Trailer parks for days, horrible sports fans, and girls who actually aspire to become strippers aren’t exactly ringing endorsements for the Sunshine State but hey, it was 65 degrees here today and if you live anywhere in the Midwest or East you would have died immediately from hypothermia the second you walked outside today so you take your chances wherever you live. But having said all that, there is NO excuse for ANYONE to still live in India. Over a billion people crammed into an area half the size of the U.S. If you’re lucky enough to live in a building then you‘re stuck with your close family of 11, your 7 brothers and their 34 kids all sharing a 1 room dirt and shit windowless hut (with internet somehow) and I almost forgot to mention, you’re all doctors. Add that to the fact that you can’t kill any of the cows roaming the streets to feed the small city living in your hut and you’ve got more than enough motivation to take your chances fleeing the country on an ACME rocket. But now there’s a bigger problem to deal with. Nothing better than a tiger roaming the country side with a unquenchable thirst for human blood to keep you locked indoors for the rest of your life. Literally, the Jaws of sugarcane fields is eating people whenever they go outside to work or take a shit. I’m not saying I want to die of a heart attack but I am saying that I’d rather drop dead midsentence with the feeling of a gunshot going through my chest like a normal fat American instead of walking outside to take a piss and then watch a giant cat eat my intestines after it rips the jugular out of my neck. But that’s just me.

-Ken

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