Robber Drops Wallet at Crime Scene; Still Can’t Believe He Got Caught

Posted: February 18, 2014 in blown call, breaking news, comedy, Facebook, humor, manly humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire, television
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“Everyone got your IDs? Good!”

DALLAS (AP) — Authorities say a teenager who burglarized a Dallas police officer’s apartment, taking his service weapon and ammunition, was apprehended after he lost his wallet as he fled.

Police reports say two witnesses chased 18-year-old Adrian Jimmerson when he was seen Feb. 13 carrying a pillowcase full of items. The suspect dropped the pillowcase as he jumped a fence, but his pants ripped and his wallet fell to the ground. A school identification card also was found. Jimmerson was arrested the next day.

He was being held Tuesday at the Dallas County jail on a charge of burglary of a habitation, with a bond of $10,000. A phone message left with his public defender, Frank Douglas, was not immediately returned.

Rule number one when robbing someone’s house. Leave your wallet at home. First semester, first day stuff here. We’re talking first 30 seconds of class. I know you’re a dumbass but let me explain: the ONLY reason you carry a wallet is to be identified. When you’re sprinting across a cop’s front lawn carrying a pillow case full of HIS shit and he’s close behind, the LAST thing you want to be is identified. Now if you’re one of these burglars who forgets who they are when you’re standing in a stranger’s living room holding a VCR and need a quick peek at your license to get yourself right then I’ll give you a pass. But honestly, you’ve got some bigger problems to worry about. Also, just a quick reminder for all you kleptos making your way out tonight to pillage your neighborhood, (and I almost feel embarrassed to have to say this, but you obviously can’t be trusted) remember to NOT call your buddies from any cell phones you steal. And for all you Facebook kids; try to resist any temptations to “check in” or make any status updates while you have some downtime taking a shit in your victim’s toilet. As a matter of fact, I take that back. Do what you want. I always enjoy reading about it in the news later.

-Ken

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