Stupid Scientists Are Trying To Kill Us All With Ancient Viruses

Posted: March 3, 2014 in Animals, blown call, breaking news, comedy, humor, manly humor, movies, popular culture & entertainment, satire, Sports, television
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Some infected looking thing that could very easily be YOU!

Live Science-A mysterious giant virus buried for 30,000 years in Siberian permafrost has been resurrected.

 The virus only infects single-celled organisms and doesn’t closely resemble any known pathogens that harm humans.

Even so, the new discovery raises the possibility that as the climate warms and exploration expands in long-untouched regions of Siberia, humans could release ancient or eradicated viruses. These could include Neanderthal viruses or even smallpox that have lain dormant in the ice for thousands of years.

“There is now a non-zero probability that the pathogenic microbes that bothered [ancient human populations] could be revived, and most likely infect us as well,” study co-author Jean-Michel Claverie, a bioinformatics researcher at Aix-Marseille University in France, wrote in an email. “Those pathogens could be banal bacteria (curable with antibiotics) or resistant bacteria or nasty viruses. If they have been extinct for a long time, then our immune system is no longer prepared to respond to them.”

(A “non-zero” probability just means the chances of the event happening are not “impossible.”)


Hey I’ve got a great idea. Let’s dig up a bunch of ancient viruses out of the frozen earth and lock ourselves in a lab to study them for months.  Nothing could ever go wrong. It’s not like there isn’t a bunch of dead animals buried right next to the virus that was killed by it. Doesn’t take PHD and a fancy lab coat to figure out that viruses kill shit and bringing around new ones that we don’t understand is only going to end up killing us all a lot quicker. Let’s just leave the buried microscopic death machines right where they are. And if you think it’s a good idea to dig up old used to be dead shit and figure out how it works and possibly make it alive again then you haven’t watched Jurassic Park recently enough. Raptors aren’t stupid. Neither am I but I also don’t eat people and have 6 inch claws. Don’t make us all die from some stupid virus that killed everyone a million years ago. It’ll show that we’ve literally learned nothing during that time and I don’t want to be a part of the “wasted millennium” that future history books will be making fun of us for.

If that’s not enough to convince you then think of it like this. An ancient virus buried away for even only thousands of years would be similar to introducing an alien species into our environment? If you’re not concerned about what happens to humans when aliens come to earth then you haven’t watched a movie in the last 100 years. Take the shitty movie Signs and the classic Wizard of Oz. Water is the alien’s and witch’s weakness just like if humans tried to drink a glass of fire. Instant death. Maybe the strongest movie case (movies are all based on fact of course) is War of the Worlds where the aliens died from catching a cold. Their immune system can’t deal with that shit just like ours can’t deal with old viruses that already killed everyone before!

Look idiots; the world’s already going to end someday; there’s no need to rip the brakes out and bury the needle while we’re on the highway towards that cliff. Let’s just take a step back and enjoy all the other viruses that we already have that we can’t seem to solve, including the common cold. If you need me I’ll be in my bubble suit hiding under the biggest rock I can find…..Living.



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