Uppity New Jersey Bitches Literally Eating Eachother

Posted: March 10, 2014 in blown call, breaking news, comedy, humor, manly humor, popular culture & entertainment, satire
Tags: , , , ,

Courier Post-CHERRY HILL, N.J. (AP) — Police say a dispute over a parking spot at a southern New Jersey mall ended when a woman bit and almost severed the finger of another driver.

The fight at the Cherry Hill Mall involved three women and occurred around 4:30 p.m. Saturday outside Nordstrom’s. Details about the dispute were not disclosed, but authorities say it began as a verbal argument before it turned physical.

The Courier-Post reports that the injured woman was a 42-year-old Philadelphia resident. She was in stable condition at a hospital.

Police are searching for the biter and say she could face aggravated assault charges.

I almost forgot why I promised myself that I was ever going to step one foot in New Jersey for my entire life and then I stumbled across this story. Now I’ve been set straight and I promise I will never waver again. Smooth sailing from here on out. So on the surface this looks like your typical “two trashy women fighting over a spot leads to one trying to eat the other” story. We’ve seen it all before a thousand times. But here’s the real issue and reason why New Jersey is a gasoline fueled dumpster fire of a state. These bitches were fighting over a parking spot in front of a Nordstrom’s! This is the cream of the crop, upper crust (at least middle class with some disposable income) of the community. We’re not talking about your standard Wal-Mart Tuesday afternoon parking lot stabbing here. You’re taking your life into your hands just driving through that lot, if you lose a finger then you’ve gotten off easy this time. But a Nordstrom’s lot has fucking valet parking! These women should have been prancing around inside sipping champagne while a 16 year old Mexican kid was out back jumping speed bumps and doing donuts in their Porsches. When are dumb bitches gonna learn? New Jersey for you….

-Ken

UPDATE: I got Nordstrom mixed up with Neiman Marcus. My bad but Nordstrom women should still fall in the class of “non cannibal.” No excuse.

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