“So here’s a list of players who aren’t returning our phone calls.”
Photo by @DawgsByNature

Shutdown Corner-The Cleveland Browns are on a tear this offseason. They seriously are a beat writer’s dream.

From firing coaches and front-office personnel to admitting prior draft mistakes to making more flashy signings, there is always something to write about.

And now there’s this.

As GM Ray Farmer was coming out of the press conference to announce the signings of three defensive free agents they signed on Wednesday, someone snapped a picture. Behind Farmer was a whiteboard with the names of several prospective free agents.

This is amazing stuff. Even if some guy on a tour of the Browns’ facility came in and scribbled those names up there, we still can have fun with this.

Alterraun Verner’s name is crossed off; he signed with Tampa Bay. But he has brackets (or are those French braces?) around his name, as does the Bills’ Arthur Moats and the Patriots’ Julian Edelman. Hmm, two good players.

But good lord …

What in the world is Rex Grossman’s name doing up there? The Browns just cut Brandon Weeden and Jason Campbell today … and they are going to replace one of their spots with Grossman? If someone made that joke, sans photo, on Twitter they’d be ridiculued for being overly fatuous and dated. But good lord, this is real life! The fact that Grossman is in the same column as Darrelle Revis’ name is just gut-bustingly awesome.

Is this fucking happening for real?! Are we required by law to be retarded? There MUST be a deal in place with the NFL that the Browns have to do the most incompetent and comically inept thing at any given time. We’re not talking about a bonehead lineman leaving his playbook at the Crazy Horse or the QB (if we had one on the roster) telling ESPN our game plan against the Steelers (try not to lose by 21.) Nope, this is just the dumb ol’ management letting a picture of their free agent board get posted on the fucking internet. Why does it matter you ask? They could have Joe Montana and Barry Sanders written on that board but it doesn’t matter because neither would set foot in the state, and to that I would say: “You’re right, it doesn’t matter.”
But the point is now everyone in America gets to make fun of you some more for being stupid. Stop being stupid! Stop being an easy target. I feel like the poorest kid in town who let his wish list to Santa get out in the open and now everyone in school feels bad for you for being a poor unrealistic loser who doesn’t understand that Santa skips over the poor kid’s shacks because their parents don’t love them as much. The Browns don’t love me because they never tried to do better for me! I wish I was never born!!!

-Ken

UPDATE: In a move that no one could have seen coming if they were only consulting the free agency board, the Browns have signed TE Jim Dray. I’ll be printing t-shirts soon for you to buy. Don’t worry.

Only size available will be 3XL. Sorry all you skinny  and slightly obese losers.

Only size available will be 3XL. Sorry all you skinny and slightly obese losers.

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