Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Look. I hate the Celtics. I hate men  named Kelly and Red. I hate the Garden. I hate to see wood arranged in a parquet fashion. I hate leprechauns. I hate green and white uniforms. I hate seeing the words “big” and “dig” in the same sentence. And of course I hate Rondo. But there is no way on earth anytime during my next 19 lifetimes that I would ever want to see anyone in a Celtics uniform try to unscrew his foot with the floor the way Gordon Hayward did tonight.  That was absolutely disgusting. And remember, I hate the entire town of Tongue Lick. I hate the phrase “anything is possible.” I really, really, really, hate Kelly Olynyk. But to reiterate,  nothing makes me feel worse than when a player gets his foot mixed up with a jar of pickles. Gruesome shit. I honestly hope he can play tomorrow at home against the Bucks, the Celtics are going to need him this year. 
But seriously, I hope he recovers. That was terrible.

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Thank God for Joe Girardi!!

Posted: October 8, 2017 in Sports

How does something like this happen?! Another team makes a mistake to help us win? That used to NEVER happen in Cleveland sports. I watch it happen for the Patriots every single week: kickers missing 3 field goals in a game, QBs throwing INTs at the goaline with the Super Bowl on the line, teams blowing 25 point leads in the Super Bowl, etc. etc. etc. But this kind of thing didn’t  happen for Cleveland teams very often. Edwin destroying his ankle lunging back to the bag while getting doubled up, that’s the kind of stuff that happens around here. Kluber getting shelled in 3 innings, that’s how we play the game.

Draymond Green swinging at Lebrons dick in game 4 of the 2016 Finals was seriously the very first time in my life that a team mentally fucked up against a Cleveland team. But now the flood gates are open! Now WE get to sit back and wait for the other teams to shit all over themselves for a change. This makes sports so much more enjoyable when you know the other teams are afraid of you and will not challenge a HBP because they “don’t want to throw off the pitchers’ rhythm.” Lol what kind hair brained reason is that?! That’s not a reason! That’s folding under the pressure! Taking CC out with only 77 pitches while he’s dominating the entire Indians lineup, that’s overthinking scared management! Yay!!!! I can’t believe we get to benefit from this! What will he do in game 3? Pinch run for Judge in the 4th inning? Bring out Chapman in the 6th? Call for a bunt with 2 strikes? 

I always assumed my lot in life as a Cleveland sports fan would be to grind out losses and pray for miracles and hope the other teams plane would crash into a mountain.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined a time where I’d be sitting back and waiting for the opposition to puke all over themselves and hand us the victory. Truly a magical time to be alive.

-Ken

So I mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago that any Jets fan should be getting ready to kill them selves if Josh McCown ended up being their quarterback.  And just to be clear, I still believe this, but a few things have changed since then: the Jets are 2-2 and the Browns are 0-4 and will be squaring off on Sunday in Cleveland. Now I know you’re saying to yourself that I as the fan of the winless Browns should be the one killing myself, and while I’d normally agree with you I should just say that I guarantee you that I’m already dead inside. Actually finishing the job wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be in hell and my football team would still be the winless Browns. Isn’t that the definition of being dead? 

So this pretty much goes without saying but when McCown and the Jets come in on Sunday and embarrass the Browns there will be no other choice but to blow up the entire organization. Obviously all this analytics garbage doesn’t work and the only numbers that really count are wins and losses. It’s too bad because I like Hue Jackson for some reason, and I’ll miss him. Everyone else can’t get out of the building fast enough for me. 

So bet the Jets all day, no way the Browns even cover. Pick up McCownoff the waiver wire, and definitely consider him as a sneaky good, cheap QB play in Draft Kings this week. Don’t be scared away by the fact that McCown has never won in Cleveland despite having been their starting QB for a year. Browns can’t pressure him and can’t cover receivers so he’ll be picking the secondary apart the whole first half until the lead is up to 21, then he’ll just need to hand the ball off the rest of the game. 

Browns are actually favored this game which is a huge mistake. They could play 1,000 times and the Browns convincingly win zero. I know this isn’t technically college but the Jets should be favored by at least 17. 

Ken

I’m actually concerned for Jets fans here. I’m channeling my mindset as a Browns fan from the 2015 training camp, and the prospect of an aging, career journeyman backup, jesus freak with 700 kids, had me reaching for fistfuls of Ambien and vodka, BUT THAT WAS 2 YEARS AGO!! How could any team still be toying around with the idea of this guy being THE guy? 

I was devistated that he was our only/best option. Even as a long suffering fan who had been praying over my hope chest every night for some semblance of a quarterback, I knew that McCown was a career loser and with him at the helm of my dogshit team that we were likely to lose 35 games in a season. 

If you see your franchise with a shovel in a Browns dumpster digging around in some 2 year old garbage and they pull out a corpse and prop him up with a stick and sew a football to his hand then you are contractually obligated to kill the life out of your life’s life. 

This shouldn’t come as a big shock to any of you, I’m sure you were already considering it and were at least getting some of your affairs in order. But for sure, you need to do it soon before the season starts. 

-ken 

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Adam Schefter just reported on SportsCenter, Tony Romo will leave football and go to the booth. This is all good news if you ask me. First of all, the guy has kids and probably wants to walk when they are older. Makes sense. Secondly, he was most likely leaning towards the Broncos and that would’ve made this Raider fan really pissed off. Sure Romo is Mr. Glass in real life but when he isn’t getting touched/injured, he is a really good passer and could make them a monster threat in the AFC West. Thirdly, this motherfucker has made something like 150 mil in his career, who wants to wake up and get your face beat in when you have that dough,

this wife,article-0-12D2190E000005DC-456_634x906.jpg

and this smile?

download (1).jpgWell two out of three is still pretty good.

Perfect storm for retirement. Goodbye Tony.

 

Jesse

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Gotta start this off with all the information. I do not watch college basketball unless the Gators make the tournament and also make it to the Sweet Sixteen. So I have no clue what a “good game” should look like. But this game fucking sucks. UNC is awful shooting the ball. I’ve watched them miss 1 billion 3s. Gonzaga looks slightly better but also like they don’t really know what’s going on. Lot of fouls. Just a very ugly game. Maybe it’ll get better but I doubt it.

download “Baaaahhhh fucking kill me baahhhhh”

Also what the hell does a fucking ram have to do with a Tar Heel? Why can’t colleges get their shit together. Gators. Fighting Irish. Bulldogs. Cocks. Easy, simple names. The Tar Heels? Although a great hat when I was a kid, why do they also have a ram? Why not just be the rams from North Carolina? Or the tabacco field workers? Those sons of bitches are probably as tough as 10 rams…Also what I hate are the Stanford fucking trees, Auburn Tigers/War Eagles and Alabama Roll Tide aka Elephants. Can’t we just cut Alabama loose and call it a day?

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download (2).jpg Ok she can stay.

This is my angry post because I’m sick and I hate everyone. Unless I win my bracket with a UNC win, then I only hate a few people.

 

Jesse

Bradenton Herald

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So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking their lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

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Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

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Jesse