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To the man who has saved Raider Nation.

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To the man who is equal parts Tebow in his humility and love of God, and Aaron Rodgers in his gun-slinging, brass balls, rocket fueled arm.

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To the man who has a bro-mance with Khalil Mack that an out of shape, awkward white guy can only dream of.

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To the man who made sales of guy liner go through the fucking roof (still researching the stats on that one). Happy Birthday. Heal up my friend, we have a big year ahead of us!

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PS If my next child is a boy his middle name will be Derek. Half because of Jeter, half because of Carr.

 

Jesse

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This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

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First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

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Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

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Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

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ESPN: Raiders to Vegas

So the day of reckoning has finally happened and my Oakland Raiders have finally made it official. I have extremely mixed emotions about this because I grew up in Buffalo and Florida. I’ve never been to Oakland, or even west of the Mississippi, but I love the Raiders with all that is in my soul. Being 29 I first grew to love them as the LA Raiders. Didn’t know or care what Oakland was. It was Jeff Hostetler and Tim Brown and little Jesse rooting on team after team coming in at .500 or below. Then they moved back to Oak-town. And honestly I was a little pissed. Sure I was striking out in t-ball at the time so I had major issues, but I didn’t like change. It didn’t seem cool to leave flashy, fancy, “Laker” LA and move to crumby Oakland. Shit just reading that it still doesn’t. But I grew to love the gritty, crazy, fucked up world that was the little brother to big, bad San Fran. Now that I am older, grayer, fatter and raising a family, I never really thought the Mark “the Hairdo” Davis would have the sack (or money) to pull the trigger and I’d be watching OAK on tv for the rest of my days still bragging about the 3 rings we won before I was born.

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Jump to present day and I am a part of the Las Vegas Raiders Nation. Even though it’s the same team, the same coach, the same GM, they will never be the same. They won’t win on a shitty field covered in dirt. There won’t be gang fights in the parking lot, generally between two Raider fans. They just won’t seem as tough and that’s what I will miss the most. Even going 2-14 year after year, they at least seemed tough being in Oakland. So Good bye Black Hole. Hello Black Hole, the stripper that will be on stage at every club on the strip come football season 2020.  But along with a shiny new stadium comes the Super Bowl, Pro Bowls, big ticket boxing matches and UFC fights, WWE events. All things that never happened in O.Co. And the inevitability of the Fertitta brothers and Dana White buying the team a year or two after the stadium is built.

Oh well.

Let’s just see if the city will allow them to play until the lease options are over. Word on the street is they want the whole crew the fuck out of dodge asap. That will add a very interesting wrinkle into this already fucking crazy story line. Until next time children.

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Jesse


Photo credit: LA Times

Not much to say past the title here but in case you’re wondering how to easily increase your wealth this or any Sunday make sure you’re taking whoever they play and the points. I don’t care if they’re getting 75 points. Browns haven’t covered in 2 months. Probably won’t for the rest of the year so even if they do once you’ll still be in the black come January. 

This has been a sad secret amongst Browns fans who’ve been watching this team all year. We’ve been almost too embarrassed to even talk about it and just hope no one will notice. I’m not sure the nation knows just how bad this team is. They know about the 0-13 record but not necessarily about the complete lack of competitiveness. The only saving grace is that you’re basically getting paid to be a Browns fan this year if you’re betting with your brain and not your heart. If you watch every week you know but if you’re the average schmuck trying to cover his rent in Louisiana you might be scared off by some of the shittier teams we’re playing. The Bills starting Tyron Taylor in a blizzard? They’ll cover, don’t worry. Bet everything you own. Steal money from your parents and bet it. They’ll understand and thank you. 

The Cavs

Posted: June 21, 2016 in Sports
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So I’m not going to let myself be dilusional enough to think that anyone is going to read this except for myself 10 years from now. But this whole blog is basically a coping mechanism I use to deal with a lot of disappointment I feel as a Cleveland sports fan. I watch a goddamn awful lot of sports and think about them even more so I need a device that saves a few random snapshots of my thoughts every once in a while that I can reflect on some time down the road. Maybe my kids will read some of this crap one day and understand why their dad is the way he is. 

I don’t think I will forget any of this for my whole life but just in case my memory slips a little here is what I loved the most about this whole experience:

The game flew by. I remember complaining every timeout that I hated the stupid commercials (D Wade drinking frozen Gatorade in the fortress of solitude) but it was over in an instant. Not unlike my wedding day. Just a complete whirlwind of emotion. 

Kyrie is a cold blooded killer. I was talking with some friends a few months ago and said that the Cavs could beat the Warriors if he out shot Steph. Watching him the last few years I knew he could do it. I honestly think Klay is a better shooter than Steph but I think Kyrie is a better clutch shooter than both of them. And that’s not taking anything away from either of them, I constantly live in fear of seeing the ball leave their hands toward the hoop. But there are times when Kyrie is so hot that I have no doubt in my mind that the ball is going in. ​


I had total confidence in LeBron going into the game. I knew we had the best player in the world on our team and in a one game playoff and that’s the most you can ask for. He didn’t disappoint with a triple double and the most important chase down block I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s been doing those his whole career and it’s always just been a bonus to everything else he does, but now you see how truly important it is to never give up on a play. 


Plus I appreciated his throwback over acted broken arm injury at the most important moment in the history of the franchise. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched him rolling around under the basket being absolutely convinced he was dying only to see him pop up and knock down his free throws. 

Love pulled through with a solid game and JR may have saved the season in the 3rd quarter with 8 straight points to erase an 8 point deficit. If the Warriors push it up to 10 or 12, the game is probably  over. 

I’ll always be thankful to have seen a championship in Cleveland. I’ve never felt like a loser for cheering for them just constantly disappointed. But the weight of maybe never experiencing the pure joy of winning one has been lifted and now all I can think about is how much I want to feel this for the Indians and Browns. 

Ken (fan of the World Champion Cleveland Cavaliers)


  

There’s not much more to say than that I guess. Obviously the series is not over yet as the Cavs are only (only…🙄) down 2-0 in the series with the next 2 in Cleveland. But after that pathetic blowout loss in game 2 I’m not feeling very optimistic for the next few games. But more distressing than our defense/offense/effort is the sense I’m getting that some loser fans are already looking for the “brightside” or “positive spin” on the situation. Loser bullshit like “good for Andy, he deserves it.” 

I’m sorry to tell you but there is NO positive spin for any of this. The Cavs are getting their brains beat in and there are going to to be some serious changes coming next year. Does LeBron leave? I doubt it and I’m not even concerned about it. Does Love or Irving get traded? One of them does I bet. Whichever LeBron doesn’t want around anymore obviously. Will we get a real big? We fucking better. And maybe most importantly we get some heart. Some asshole with a chip on his shoulder who can contribute. An Igoudala type. 

A quick word about Andy: yes he was with the team for a long time and endured a lot and became a fan favorite because of his hustle and hair. But he also got paid a lot (horrible contract that to this day I can’t believe the Cavs gave him) got injured even more, can’t really score, is a middle of the road rebounder, and is overall not very productive. Actually the whole reason he was traded was because he isn’t good anymore. So now he plays garbage time with The Warriors and will probably win a title. Fuck ’em. He never helped us win anything. Maybe he’ll bring his ring back to Cleveland and show it to everyone! Won’t you be so happy to go see it? 

Ken


We’ve all been there. You’re so pissed you don’t know what your body is doing. It’s how tuff guys (proper spelling for the situation) shatter their hands punching door frames and it’s how 60 dollar Xbox controllers end up exploding on the floor after you’ve come to the realization that you’re not good at call of duty. 

But when Capuano’s brain goes into auto pilot rage he’s not trying to put a hole in the nearest wall, not even close. He carefully opens his faux leather Lens Crafters case, gently unfolds a soft microfiber towel to lightly wipe off any dust or debris that may have collected on his scratch resistant, progressive bifocal lens reading glasses and then he PUTS THEM THE FUCK ON!! The madness doesn’t end there though because his next impulsive twitch is to take them RIGHT BACK THE FUCK OFF!! Seconds later he’s looking around at all of the carnage wondering what just happened. Did he really just see slightly better for a split second or was it all a dream? Did his team really just go down 2 goals in a close out game or is he in the matrix still? Only way to know for sure is to check the scoreboard by putting on those glasses again! Hulk smash!