Posts Tagged ‘florida’

Bradenton Herald

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So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking their lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

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Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

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Jesse

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SI- This time, it wasn’t ‘the Big One’ that caused the biggest delay in the Daytona 500. It was hundreds of thousands of little ones, in the form of rain drops that fell long and steady on Sunday, pushing a scheduled daytime race well into the drenched Florida night. Finally, after a record-setting rain delay of 6 hours and 22 minutes had turned Daytona International Speedway into the world’s most expansive parking lot, the true Big One occurred, as Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the Great American Race for the first time in a decade. NASCAR Nation’s favorite son once again had his moment in the sun.

For a “sport” full of manly redneck men a little bit of rain sure makes them look like pussies. Grow your beards, chew some tobacky and pee in your suits but don’t move a muscle if there is a little rain on the road. Are there risks of death due to the rain and high speeds? Probably but that’s what the people want to see. Let the drivers fight and hydroplane all over the place and NASCAR will have another fan in this guy. Otherwise a bunch of cars drove in circles for like 19 god damn hours and one of them won. DALE JEWNUIR FUR LIFE!

-Jesse

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NERVE- “Spreadsheets was created to approach sex in a way that is both light-hearted and improvement oriented,” says Danny Wax, Co-founder of the app. “We wanted to create an app that entices users to have some fun with their partner and share in that afterglow experience, while encouraging open dialog and feedback.” Whereas some couples might have problems approaching topics like the frequency or quality of their sex lives, fun visual and logical feedback, including 30 earned “achievements” (like Seven in Heaven for a seven-minute rendezvous and Quick Spread for three-minute trysts), feels like a low-pressure way of checking in. Of course, with all wearable and quantified tech comes a gamification component. Spreadsheets shared the stats of its 10,000 early adopters so we could investigate who has cross-country endurance and who’s a one-minute wonder. Averaging the intercourse time of all users in the United States (the app doesn’t cover foreplay), we’ve provided a ranking of duration in minutes for all 50 states and the District of Columbia as a little bonus. While finishing times of under three minutes may surprise you, remember that these are just the averages among two-pump chumps and Lotharios alike. Besides, previous research has shown that, despite the hubbub about hours-long tantric sessions, intercourse itself usually only lasts for about 3 to 13 minutes.
1. New Mexico – (7:01)
2. West Virginia – (5:38)
3. Idaho – (5:11)
4. South Carolina – (4:48)
5. Missouri – (4:22)
6. Michigan -(4:14)
7. Utah – (3:55)
8. Oregon – (3:51)
9. Nebraska – (3:47)
10. Alabama – (3:38)
11. Delaware – (3:33)
12. Hawaii – (3:28)
13. Wisconsin – (3:22)
14. North Dakota – (3:18)
15. Arizona – (3:17)
16. Maryland – (3:15)
17. Mississippi – (3:10)
18. Rhode Island – (3:09)
19. Connecticut – (3:07)
20. Texas – (3:06)
21. New Hampshire – (3:04)
22. Wyoming – (3:03)
23. New York – (3:01)
24. Pennsylvania – (2:58)
25. Maine – (2:58)
26. Washington – (2:51)
27. Iowa – (2:50)
28. Illinois – (2:49)
29. North Carolina – (2:47)
30. Tennessee – (2:46)
31. Kansas – (2:38)
32. California – (2:38)
33. Massachusetts – (2:31)
34. Florida – (2:29)
35. New Jersey – (2:28)
36. Indiana – (2:26)
37. Virginia – (2:23)
38. Oklahoma – (2:21)
39. Colorado – (2:21)
40. Minnesota – (2:19)
41. Ohio – (2:18)
42. Louisiana – (2:17)
43. Kentucky – (2:14)
44. Arkansas – (2:08)
45. District of Columbia – (2:08)
46. Nevada – (2:07)
47. Georgia – (2:07)
48. Montana – (2:03)
49. Vermont – (1:48)
50. South Dakota – (1:30)
51. Alaska – (1:21)

Fuckin’ New Mexico, ammiright? Just killing the sex game. And good ol’ Florida rolling in at number 34 with two and half minutes. TWO AND A HALF MINUTES?! That seems crazy low and that’s coming from a guy who can whack one out from the time I hear my wife pull into the driveway to her entering the house. Start to finish. But studies like these really make me feel like a better human being. One because I didn’t have to conduct the study and secondly because I’m pretty sure I’m above Florida’s average. If were talking straight doggy then I’m done in roughly 13 seconds but normal stuff I think I can hold out for longer than most in my state. And knowing my Johnson is bigger than the average dick size (5.5 inches), I’m on top of the world right now! If I shave that one hair though I’m completely fucked.

-Jesse

If anything was ever going to eat you alive in your worst nightmares it would be a dead snake. I wouldn’t even stand in the same county as that thing

MIAMI (Reuters) – Engineers in the Everglades stumbled upon a near-record-breaking Burmese python measuring more than 18 feet long during a routine inspection of levees on Tuesday, a water management district spokesman said.

The snake, measuring at 18 feet 2 inches, fell short of the state record by 6 inches, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Last year, a snake collector in the state discovered the largest python on record there, measuring 18 feet 8 inches, commission spokeswoman Katie Johnson said.
The pythons, which can grow to more than 20 feet in their native habitat in Southeast Asia, are one of the most problematic invaders of Florida’s sprawling Everglades wetlands.
They eat indigenous species and their food sources, fueling concerns that the predator snakes will fundamentally change the ecosystem.
The python found on Tuesday was killed, and its corpse was taken to the University of Florida, where it will be measured and studied by scientists trying to combat the species, according to South Florida Water Management District spokesman Gabe Margasak.
Officials have said the python population is believed to have grown to as many as 150,000 in the Everglades. The cold-blooded reptiles are often found atop levees, where they lie for hours at a time to warm up under the Florida sun.
The snakes, one of the largest species in the world, found a home to their liking in the Everglades when pet owners started using the wetlands as a convenient dumping ground.

Reason number 64,875 to not move to Florida: Burmese Pythons the size of 3 adult humans. Yup, that means you and possibly your small family can all fit inside of one while being slowly digested. But don’t worry; you’ll be dead already because you will have had all the air crushed out of your lungs by a giant cold blooded soulless death snake. And if you’re going to be an irresponsible pet owner by illegally owning one in the first place in addition to not being able to properly take care of it, then why on earth are you such a goddamn peace loving hippy that can’t bring yourself to put a screw driver through its brain when it inevitably comes time to get rid of it. You’re the kind of idiot who would risk going to jail for 7 years for owning one but can’t even TRY to see if it can fit down a toilet? Instead you let it go into the wild where it will most definitely want to eat again at some point making dogs, babies, and drunk adults the most threatened living animals in the vicinity. Congratulations, you’ve just put 100% of Florida’s population at risk.

-Ken

My apologies to anyone thinking a story about 18’pythons invading Florida was going to be about Hulk Hogan’s biceps. I was hoping for the same thing.

First page of Serial Killer Handbook

First page of Serial Killer Handbook

TALLAHASSEE (Reuters) – Excavations at a makeshift graveyard near a now-closed reform school in the Florida Panhandle have yielded remains of 55 bodies, almost twice the number official records say are there, the University of South Florida announced on Tuesday.
“This is precisely why excavation was necessary,” said USF professor Erin Kimmerle, head of the research project. “The only way to truly establish the facts about the deaths and burials at the school is to follow scientific processes.”
On a hillside in the rolling, tall-pine forests near the Alabama-Georgia border, a team of more than 50 searchers from nine agencies last year dug up the graves to check out local legends and family tales of boys, mostly black, who died or disappeared without explanation from the Dozier School for Boys early in the last century.
The school, infamous for accounts of brutality told by former inmates, was closed by the state in 2011.
The University of South Florida was commissioned to look into deaths at the school in the Panhandle city of Marianna, after the Florida Department of Law Enforcement announced the presence of 31 official grave sites in 2010.
Excavation began last September with bones, teeth and several artifacts from grave sites sent to the University of North Texas Science Center for DNA testing.
Members of 11 families who lost boys at Dozier have been located by the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office for DNA sampling and researchers hope to find 42 more families for possible matching.
State investigators initially located 31 suspected graves in the woods across a busy highway from the shuttered reform school. Kimmerle’s more detailed probes raised the number to 50 or 51 last year, and USF announced on Tuesday the searchers had found remains of 55 bodies.
“Locating 55 burials is a significant finding, which opens up a whole new set of questions for our team,” said Kimmerle.
“All of the analyses needed to answer these important questions are yet to be done, but it is our intention to answer as many of these questions as possible.”
Research will continue in areas adjacent to the graveyard, dubbed “boot hill” by school officials and inmates a century ago.
Greg Ridgeway, acting director of the National Institute of Justice, praised Kimmerle’s work. He said the discoveries made by the USF team “will not only bring resolution to these cases but will add to our knowledge about investigations of missing and unidentified persons in jurisdictions throughout the country.”

You’ve gotta be some kind of arrogant psychopath to be killing people in Florida and actually bury them in the ground. You can’t walk 5 feet around here without falling into an ocean! Half the state is a goddamn swamp! You don’t even need a shovel if you’re murdering on a budget. So apparently this school was so bad the dead bodies were stacking up quicker than they could make head stones but instead of heading over to the local Gulf of Mexico they decided to bury them in the ground where they’re almost guaranteed to be found some day. Why not just throw the bodies up into the trees and pray they blow away?

I’m actually not an expert in dead body hiding but I’ve watched Dexter and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who has said “Damn, he’s got a great system going there. Some day when I start cutting people up I’m definitely moving to Miami and a buying a ton of garbage bags.”

-Ken

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Fox News- Harry Potter fans, get ready to be blown away. On Thursday Universal Orlando unveiled new details for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter – Diagon Alley, currently under construction in its Florida theme park. Slated to open sometime this summer, it’s an impressive expansion of the already hugely popular attraction inspired by author JK Rowling’s “Harry Potter” stories that opened in 2010. Universal creative senior vice president Thierry Coup said the company’s creative team began working almost immediately on the expansion following the instant success of the park’s first Wizarding World. “There were requests already from the beginning,” Coup said. “People thought, ‘Why didn’t you bring Diagon Alley?’ ‘Why didn’t you do Gringotts?’ We said, ‘Well, just wait.’ And now it’s coming.” The massive addition will include a Hogwarts Express train, a ride based on Gringotts Wizarding Bank, a Leaky Cauldron restaurant, shops—and more. The Hogwarts Express train will take visitors from Hogsmeade Village in the Islands of Adventure to the new London area at Universal Studios. To ride the train, guests will be required to purchase park-to-park tickets that allow admission to each side. The main attraction for Universal Studios guests will be the newly designed Diagon Alley. Even before stepping inside, guests will recognize locations from the film series, including Charing Cross Road, Grimmauld Place, Leicester Square Station and Wyndham’s Theatre. Also, most importantly, will be King’s Cross Station, where the Hogwarts Express will arrive.
http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2014/01/23/universals-new-diagon-alley-adds-serious-magic-to-harry-potter-theme-park/
(There was a lot more I so I just added the link to the story)

For someone that is as dorky and into Harry Potter as I am, this is the fucking tits. I love the addition of the Harry Potter world to Universal because I really was into the books/movies but also because the park is getting a little boring. How many times can someone ride the fucking Jaws ride. But I went balls to the wall when I went there. I got a wand (He Who Must Not Be Named), I drank butterbeer (kinda gross), and I rode all the new rides! (mostly old rides just repainted) This expansion however brings up another big point, why don’t they just make an entire new theme park that is all Harry Potter? People will go to that thing in droves. I bet they don’t because it will destroy the current parks. Like I said, there are only so many times you can ride the same played out rides over and over. Sure they attempt to update them but if I’m spending 90 bucks a pop I want to feel like I haven’t been to the same play 100 times already. A whole park devoted to Harry’s world and I will buy a lifetime pass tomorrow. Especially if they give you a Invisibility cloak and the keys to Hermoine’s bathroom. After the second movie of course, it’s creepy to scam on 12 year olds.
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-Jesse

I'll give you 8 dollars and a cold sandwich for this

I’ll give you 8 dollars and a cold sandwich for this


MSN News-George Zimmerman is releasing a new piece of artwork, this one portraying the special prosecutor who charged him with second-degree murder. Robert Zimmerman Jr. posted his brother’s new painting Wednesday on Twitter. He said details about its sale would follow Thursday. The painting — titled “Angie” — uses shades of red and orange to depict northeast Florida state attorney Angela Corey holding her thumb and fingers together. Text on the piece reads, “I have this much respect for the American judicial system.” Zimmerman sold another painting on eBay last month, with a winning bid of $100,099.99.

Everything I read today online was about Bieber, but come the fuck on already. He got a DUI, was anyone shocked this finally happened? Why is no one talking about the fact that ol’ Georgie Porgie Zimmerman is selling paintings for 100k?! This out of shape loser who has no skills in the world whatsoever, outside of eating and killing unarmed teenagers, is selling paint-by-numbers type shit for more money than I make in 30 years?! Ok maybe 29 years but still, what the fuck is going on here people. How has someone not merked this guy already, he’s not exactly out of sight. I mean the Black Panthers have to be offering more than 100k just for that.

PS I may start doing these dumb ass paintings and selling them as George Zimmerman. By “I may” I mean it will be on eBay tonight

-Jesse