Posts Tagged ‘hair’

I submit exhibit ‘A’ to the court: This photo was taken March 10th, 2014 after an NBA game in which LeBron played.

And now Exhibit ‘B’: This photo was taken April 23rd following another NBA game. Looks like someone got a fresh coat of paint.

Actually I can’t tell if it’s a case of canned hair or a moving hairline. Could be shaping it higher to counteract the recession but it seems like it’d have to be a little higher.
Look, LeBron and I don’t have a lot in common other than our horrible fashion sense (I’m currently wearing a 2007 Cavs Eastern Conference Champions T-Shirt for about the 4th day in a row, 1 day of which I mowed the lawn and gym shorts from high school. And when I go to the store later I’m not even going to consider changing) and our horrible hairlines. He choose another team over mine. It hurt. He then has won multiple championships. That hurts too. I’m really trying to find a way to identify with him and like him. I feel like being honest about his impending baldness would make him a lot more likable. For EVERYONE. Just shave it bald and be proud! Then put on a Yankees hat. Hats have been the only acceptable way to hide baldness since our monkey ancestors ripped out all their hair digging for ticks and then dunked their head in a pile of elephant shit to cover it up. I wear a hat, and when I put it on I immediately become 10 years younger and look slightly less menacing and perverted. Even somewhat approachable. If I could wear a hat to job interviews I’d be the most employed person you’ve ever met.


“Sean, Why is that man shaving his body like a woman?!”

“I don’t know, Tom. How can he expect to seduce a woman with the chest and back of a 12 year old boy?”

“What a bunch of fucking idiots.”

Sorry Gillette. I know you’re in the business of selling razors and finding new untapped markets is all part of the deal, but you’re barking up the wrong tree on this one. Stop trying to convince men that we need to be hairless freaks and that somehow women are attracted to itchy, razor burned skin. I’m pretty sure that the tuft of hair sticking out of every one of my collars simultaneously lets women know my sperm produces nothing but flawless human specimens and makes men run and hide like an abused puppy. The toilet trembles in fear of my hairy ass. My treasure trail starts with my nose hair and doesn’t let up the whole way down. Completely relentless on the eyes and senses.

-Ken (disgusting hairball of a human)