Posts Tagged ‘lightning’


We’ve all been there. You’re so pissed you don’t know what your body is doing. It’s how tuff guys (proper spelling for the situation) shatter their hands punching door frames and it’s how 60 dollar Xbox controllers end up exploding on the floor after you’ve come to the realization that you’re not good at call of duty. 

But when Capuano’s brain goes into auto pilot rage he’s not trying to put a hole in the nearest wall, not even close. He carefully opens his faux leather Lens Crafters case, gently unfolds a soft microfiber towel to lightly wipe off any dust or debris that may have collected on his scratch resistant, progressive bifocal lens reading glasses and then he PUTS THEM THE FUCK ON!! The madness doesn’t end there though because his next impulsive twitch is to take them RIGHT BACK THE FUCK OFF!! Seconds later he’s looking around at all of the carnage wondering what just happened. Did he really just see slightly better for a split second or was it all a dream? Did his team really just go down 2 goals in a close out game or is he in the matrix still? Only way to know for sure is to check the scoreboard by putting on those glasses again! Hulk smash!

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WANTED: Ryan “Bugsy” Malone

CBS Sports-Tampa Bay Lightning left winger Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning under suspicion of cocaine possesion and driving under the influence at 3:23 a.m. in Tampa, Fla. at Platt and Rome Streets.

Malone’s BAC was .112 and .116 according to his booking information, which is over the legal limit in Florida of .08.

Malone was booked at 5:40 a.m. and is being held on $2,500 bond.

“We are aware of the situation concerning Ryan Malone this morning,” Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman said in a statement. “Ryan will not travel with the team to Washington today, but beyond that we cannot comment further at this time.”

Malone is still in custody at the Hillsborough County Jail as of 8:19 a.m. according to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Department website.

According to WFLA-TV, a Tampa police officer saw Malone hit a curb while driving and pulled the Lightning forward over. The officer then found cocaine in his pants pocket.

Malone was a scratch in the Lightning’s 3-2 win vs. Columbus on Friday night at home and hasn’t played since April 5. He has five goals and has 10 assists in 57 games with the Lightning this season.

Malone has played 10 seasons in the NHL, including four years with his hometown Pittsburgh Penguins and the last six with the Lightning. He was part of the U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey Team at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

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I can’t remember the last time Malone didn’t do something that made me want to cross check myself into a light pole and this is just another reason to dump him. He has a year left on his contract and it feels like he’s been riding it out for the last two.

And how much of a fuck does he not give to just have a bag of cocaine in his pocket while driving drunk around Tampa at 3:30 in the morning? Gotta stash that shit…..I don’t know…..SOMEWHERE? Anywhere? Other than having it buckled up in his kids car seat I can’t think of a worse place to “hide” it.

-Ken

And no I would not recommend that he “jock” it because hockey players are disgustingly dirty and I guarantee his nuts look like a moldy loaf of bread.

Bishop Injures His Left Wrist Tuesday Against The Maple Leafs. Out For The Rest Of The Regular Season; Maybe Playoffs

I’m not trying to sound like a kill joy here because I was so stoked for the playoffs I couldn’t stand it. But if Bishop is out for the playoffs then this team is fucked. He is/was the ONLY chance this team had making it out of the first round and actually gave them a pretty good shot of making it deep. He’s THAT good. Anders Lindback on the other hand, is like having a folding chair sitting in front of the goal. God, this team is so fucked. He better be back for the playoffs, he’s a hockey player, rub some ice on it and get back out there.

-Ken

Well fuck. In what’s becoming an unsettling trend, the Lightning are getting early leads only to lose outright without getting any points. Stamkos can’t get back early enough. But what kind of sick player is Oshie? I was doing the bull dance in my living room 2 weeks ago when he beat the dirty Russians in a shootout and when he scored shorthanded tonight I chubbed up a little. I think I’m falling in love?

-Ken

Greatest 3 second sequence I’ve seen in a long time. The linesmen looking like me during a Friday night open skate night, complete with undying belief that if you keep your feet going long enough you won’t end up breaking your ass and wrists on the cold hard ice. And then the ref just becoming target practice for good measure. I love the Hurricanes “chip into the refs face and chase” offense. I have a feeling some questionable 5 minute majors are about to be called soon.

-Ken

And yes I know the NFC Championship game is going on right now but it’s a giant penalty fest so it’s hard to watch. No continuity.

Great win for the Lightning last night against the Islanders. Nabokov was working a 2-0 shut out for the first 57 minutes and I was getting so pissed I started watching horrific hockey injuries on You Tube. I don’t know why my brain goes there but when I get really mad I have to see people get hurt, badly. So there I was watching Richard Zednick getting his head cut off for the billionth time and then out of nowhere Filppula scores 2 goals, the 2nd with 4 seconds left while I’m standing a foot away from the TV nervously rocking back ‘n forth like 4 year old watching cartoons. Now I’m freaking out! No way we lose in overtime! All the momentum in the world on the Lightning side right? Well, after the first 2 minutes when the Lightning were holding the puck in the Islanders zone and couldn’t even get a shot off, the rage started to build again and I found myself back on You Tube looking for the video of Darryl Sydor crawling across the ice after getting his knee blown out just in case he could block a shot during the playoffs. It’s like the undying determination of the Terminator still trying to kill Sarah Conner with only one arm and no legs. It warms the heart and makes you want to hug your child. But I quickly snapped out of it because OT lasts about 4 seconds and Bishop is the MAN in shootouts. As it turns out, Kucherov is the man because he slipped a goal by Nabokov that faked him out 3 times before he ever saw it. But he finally found the puck while he was sitting in the net on his ass. The comeback now complete, the Islanders humiliated and losers like normal and everything in the world is right again. So now back to You Tube to watch Willis McGahee break his leg in half and kick himself in the side of the head. Yes, happiness and anger both make me want to see people get hurt. I know it’s a problem, leave me alone.

-Ken

For your Happy/Angry viewing pleasure: