Posts Tagged ‘movie review’

eu_batb_flex-hero_header_r_430eac8d.jpeg

This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

a430fc2eb9c302fefadeb545ed1bc0ae.jpg

First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

download.jpg

Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

lumiere-beauty-and-the-beast-2017-56.5.jpg

Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

untitled

There are many things that make me feel like a pussy. When I stub my pinky toe on the door way and it ruins my life. When I get a brain freeze and it also ruins my life. The fact that I can still sing word for word just about any Backstreet Boys or NSync song because that’s all that was played on the radio in the 90’s. But movies never really make me feel that way, until now. Watching Lone Survivor I knew the story going in. I mean the title kind of gives away the ending. It’s about four Navy SEALs who go on a mission to what was supposed to be an empty little town, take out a couple high ranking Taliban guys, and only one guy gets out. What really happens is a big time shit storm of fighting, death, and destruction. And also a bad ass movie. While the guys are in the mountains scoping out the town and figuring out the plan of attack, a goat herder and two younger kids stumble upon our heroes. They have a decision to make, kill the guys and continue with the mission, or let them go and take off to try again later. Of course they let them go because your not supposed to kill kids, Taliban or not, and naturally that becomes the worst decision ever. The older of the kids heads down to the terrorists and tells them four Americans are on the mountain and before the SEALs have any time to call their choppers back to pick them up there are about 100 HEAVILY armed Taliban assholes ready to wipe out the Americans. What happens from here til the end of the movie is the most tension filled, action packed, and realistic action I have ever seen in a film that is based on a true story. This shit happened people. One of the guys was shot 11 times before he died it’s in his autopsy. That is the craziest thing to me. I’ve always respected SEALs as the toughest guys ever either based on legends I heard as a child or facts I learned as an adult. To know these guys are just out there, walking around amongst normal people, going to WalMart for milk when their wives bitch, picking up their dogs shit in little bags, all simply waiting for the call to go around the world and handle the most drastic situations anyone could possibly imagine absolutely blows my mind. The way the film is set up and shot, you really see those things about these guys. All suited up in the helicopter heading to battle they are bullshitting about what their wives want to buy when they get back stateside. And the actors they chose were great for each of their roles. Marky Mark is the older tough vet. Taylor Kitsch is the nice guy who also is the leader of the group. Ben Foster is fucking nuts and Emile Hursch is the communications dork (who is also the badass who took 11 bullets before he died). The only person I didn’t like in the movie was Turtle from Entourage. He played a guy who just answered the phones but I still couldn’t help from thinking “Hey, why is Turtle skinny and why is he here? Where’s Vince? I wonder if Arnold is there too” but maybe that’s just me. Overall it was a really good film. Action scenes were shot well and with the right amount on blood and guts, nothing over the top. The brotherhood feeling was there between the actors, you felt like they knew each other and had their backs. You also felt they were tough as fuck. There were some funny moments too, not out of the way distracting but good moments to break up the tension some. Oh and they play videos of the real guys at the end, and if you don’t cry, go fuck yourself.

-Jesse