Posts Tagged ‘movies’

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This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

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First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

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Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

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Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

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Literally one of the hottest chicks of all time. Hall of Fame face and body. Not much more to say than that. She’s been banged by Jeter, she has caused many unborn children to fall onto tube socks thanks to ‘Into the Blue’, she’s so hot that racists don’t even care to Wikipedia what race she is before they smack the ham. The one and only, Jessica Alba.

NSFW Pictures in the mix
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IF YOU SAY YOU WOULDN’T BECAUSE SHE’S PREGNANT, YOU ARE LYING
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Courtesy of UpRoxx

I love him as an actor, I think he brings a lot to the table. He has done comedy, drama, shitty movies, and everything in between. But he will always be known as one of the best dancers in modern movies that isn’t Channing Tatum.
Here is a listing of all the movies featured in the video
“Roseland” (1977)
“The Deer Hunter” (1978)
“Brainstorm” (1983)
“Pennies from Heaven” (1981)
“The Dead Zone” (1983)
“A View To A Kill” (1985)
“At Close Range” (1986)
“Puss in Boots” (1988)
“Homeboy” (1988)
“Communion” (1989)
“King of New York” (1990)
“The Comfort of Strangers” (1990)
“Sarah, Plain and Tall” (1991)
“All-American Murder” (1991)
“Batman Returns” (1992)
“Skylark” (1993)
“True Romance” (1993)
“Wayne’s World 2″ (1993)
“A Business Affair” (1994)
“Pulp Fiction” (1994)
“The Prophecy” (1995)
“Search and Destroy” (1995)
“Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead” (1995)
“The Funeral” (1996)
“Suicide Kings” (1997)
“Mousehunt” (1997)
“New Rose Hotel” (1998)
“Blast from the Past” (1999)
“Sleepy Hollow” (1999)
“The Opportunists” (2000)
“Scotland, Pa.” (2001)
“Joe Dirt” (2001)
“America’s Sweethearts” (2001)
“The Affair of the Necklace” (2001)
“Poolhall Junkies” (2002)
“The Country Bears” (2002)
“Undertaking Betty” (2002)
“Catch Me If You Can” (2002)
“Gigli” (2003)
“The Rundown” (2003)
“Man on Fire” (2004)
“Envy” (2004)
“The Stepford Wives” (2004)
“Around the Bend” (2004)
“Wedding Crashers” (2005)
“Romance & Cigarettes” (2005)
“Domino” (2005)
“Click” (2006)
“Fade to Black” (2006)
“Man of the Year” (2006)
“Hairspray” (2007)
“Balls of Fury” (2007)
“$5 a Day” (2008)
“The Maiden Heist” (2009)
“Stand Up Guys” (2012)
“A Late Quartet” (2012)
“The Power of Few” (2013)

-Jesse

So are the eyebrows dyed….?

Long hair, shotgun, and mustache=Trifecta

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Even with a douchebag haircut he’s killing it. It’s just not fair….

It’d be sacrilege to not include a pic from Roadhouse. You think I’m crazy?

So there it is. Sam Elliot has been rocking the same mustache for decades but the unique thing about him is the fact that he’s done it with long and short hair. He’s also done it young and old. He is timeless and owes it all to the hair between his nose and upper lip. He is so badass in all his movies it makes me sick. In Roadhouse he was only the most feared, aging cooler in the country. You don’t get that role unless you have the best hair in Hollywood. He was called in for the sole purpose of kicking local hillbilly ass. Legendary.

-Ken

It’s time again to celebrate another iconic mustache that have been giving men’s hair follicles raging hard ons for years. And let’s be perfectly clear here, no sane modern woman actually likes these monstrosities or would even stand in the same room alone with a creep wearing one for longer than 3 minutes. But this isn’t for women. Mustaches aren’t about trying to look good for a woman. It’s about saying “look what I can do” to men. You drive a Maserati? Eat a dick, I have more mustache than you. See how it works? Either you have it or you don’t. Any man can buy a car. Only a superior specimen could hope to grow a full mustache. So here’s to Burt Reynolds whose been making our faces feel like worthless, hairless blobs of pasty white featureless fat bags for years.

Look at that care free, easy like Sunday morning ‘stache.

I still remember the first time watching Smokey and the Bandit. 11 year old kid, on some late night Saturday watching TV with my dad who also was sporting a mustache. (His was more of the full rounded Selleck model even though he slightly resembled Reynolds himself. Probably the most handsome man to ever walk the face of the earth.) There were a few things that really stuck with me. 1.) Sally Field used to look acceptable 400 years ago. 2.) Jackie Gleason was a comedic genius. 3.) I want to be Burt Reynolds when I grow up

Don’t be on the other end of this scope. Mustache doesn’t miss.

Still more manly as a frail old bag of bones than 99% of the NHL

He looks like a completely different person with out the ‘stache. I almost couldn’t sit through Deliverance because of it. Not because of the backwoods rape scene. That was fine.

-Ken

Speaking of Easy Like Sunday Morning, honorable mention goes out to Lionel Richie

Most of the shit you see on Twitter is normal ‘just pooped’ or some really gay quotes or porn stars, but the things people say to celebrities are fucking nuts

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Is this horny bitch still in the house?

-Jesse

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Hollywood Reporter- Universal dominated the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday frame with both Kevin Hart and Ice Cube’s record-breaking comedy Ride Along and Peter Berg’s holdover Lone Survivor. Ride Along, fueled by younger moviegoers, took in $48.1 million for the four-day weekend — the best opening of all time for the MLK frame, beating 2008’s Cloverfield ($46.1 million). The movie, from director Tim Story, also scored the top three-day opening for the month of January ($41.6 million) and one of the best debuts ever for an African-American comedy, according to Universal. Costing a modest $25 million to make and nabbing an A CinemaScore, Ride Along cements Hart’s star status and marks his first turn as a comedy lead. African-Americans made up 50 percent of ticket buyers, followed by Hispanics (30 percent) and Caucasians (12 percent). Moviegoers under the age of 25 made up 46 percent of the audience.
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Before I start this I want to say that I am a huge Kevin Hart fan. I’ve almost pissed my pants laughing at his specials even though the last one (Let Me Explain) had too much hype and it will probably be funnier when I rewatch it in a few months. Also, Ice Cube is surprisingly watchable in most of his movies. He was a great addition in 21 Jump Street and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t seen those Barbershop movies 1000 times on TV. So I’m sure this movie is really funny and will be a great comedy, but this early success is ALL due to the execs at Universal. You release kids movies around holidays when they have school off, you release a comedy starring two black guys around MLK Day. And I don’t mean that to be racist at all, it is what it is. If The Hangover 5 or whatever came out the same weekend it would’ve TANKED. I don’t care if Jon Hamm showed his actual dick on screen, it wasn’t beating Kevin Hart and Ice Cube on MLK weekend. So congrats to Kevin Hart, I really think he’s easily top 5 or even top 3 stand ups out right now (Louis CK has that title and won’t let it go) and I hope he continues to have success but extra congrats to the guy who planned out that release date.

PS How many jokes got missed due to talking and over exaggerated laughing/clapping/yelling? “Oooooo Kev you a fool for dis one!” (Eddie Murphy said it not me)

-Jesse