Posts Tagged ‘tina fey’

Bradenton Herald

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So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking┬átheir lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

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Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

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Jesse

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Jimmy Fallon was given the keys to the kingdom so to say, basically job security for the rest of his natural life or however long Questlove can stay above ground. Last time this was supposed to happen NBC royally fucked over Conan and Jay but this go around only Jay got the finger up the ass. Never before has a guy who was in first place in the ratings been given the boot TWICE, but I digress. I think Fallon is what you need for the younger crowd who are sick of Leno’s Clinton jokes. No one cares anymore big guy, move on, other people have gotten blow jobs since 92. I may not have always like Jimmy but he is definitely refreshing and always willing to mix it up and take chances the other guys won’t. Plus the Fallon vs. Kimmel late show battles can go on forever so that will be fun. Here are some clips from his first show, one has all the cameos from his celeb “friends” (which Leno never had), another has him and Will Smith doing the Evolution of Hip Hop Dances or something which is pretty funny.

Tina Fey looked way hotter than Mariah Carey. Tracey Morgan looks fat as fuck. Colbert rules!

Big Willy Style needs to hit the cardio, looked a little gassed out there

-Jesse

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Rolling Stone released their 50 Funniest People of Right Now and the top 10 goes like this..
10. Kristen Wiig, 9. Bill Hader, 8. Lena Dunham, 7. Chris Rock, 6. Amy Poehler, 5. South Park Guys, 4. Jon Stewart, 3. Tina Fey, 2. Stephen Colbert, 1. Louis C.K.

And now here is my gripe about the top 10. Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are basically the same person in my mind. I don’t watch either show but I guess they do the same ‘fake news’ but real news deal. So lump them together like the South Park guys and also lump together Amy and Tina. Sure they are separate people but they’re better together. Lena Dunham is supposed to be funny but I’ve watched her show a couple times and didn’t like it (or get it maybe) so she shouldn’t be there. Louis CK is definitely number one, he’s had that spot for years now and Chris Rock is so funny that he’s in the top 10 and hasn’t done anything in about 50 years. So here is my top 10 funniest people of right now.
10 Jerry Seinfeld- would be higher but he doesn’t do much other than Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee which is a great show
9 Alec Baldwin- not sure if he’s really funny, or just really fun to watch
8 Bill Hader- watch him laugh at his own funny bits, you will crack up
7 Tina & Amy- when they aren’t trying too hard, they’re great together
6 Anthony Jesilnik- his show sucks but his stand up/roasting is dark and great
5 Aziz Ansari- very underrated, great stand up
4 Chris Rock- makes watching Adam Sandler movies tolerable
3 Howard Stern- doing his best work in years
2 Kevin Hart- almost to the point where he is too accessible, but still hilarious
1 Louis CK- he is locked in right now, can’t do wrong

-Jesse

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Like I said, should’ve bet the house. I didn’t fare as bad as I thought but I (yes me, fuck the actors) got robbed on a couple picks. Either way here are the results from the good categories.

Drama Movie – 12 Years a Slave, nailed it. Easiest pick of the night. Slaves will beat Formula 1 drivers all day, white guilt never dies.

Comedy Movie – American Hustle, nailed it. Wolf of Wall Street was better but Goodfellas was also better than Dancing with Wolves. Nothing you can do there.

Actor Drama – Matthew McConaughey (after typing his name so many fucking times I finally know how to spell it), kinda nailed it. I guessed him as second but in the review of the movie I basically blew his AIDs ridden dick about his performance. Thought for sure the white guilt would continue throughout the whole awards ceremony but clearly HIV/AIDs stuff is hot right now. Alright alright alright

Actor Comedy – Leonardo DiCaprio, nailed it. Best line of the whole awards show from the hosts, “And just like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio”. Couldn’t be more true, dude is a stud.

Actress Comedy and Supporting Actress- Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrencse, whiffed both times. I really liked American Hustle but these two did not stand out as the best performances. Lupita from 12 years a slave was amazing and should’ve won and I figured Meryl Streep is just handed awards at this point. Either way, JLaw and Amy Adams, just so you know, I’d slay both of ya. You’re welcome.

Actress Drama – Cate Blanchett, whiffed. In my own defense, 1) I didn’t see the movie and 2) I don’t really give a shit.

Supporting Actor – Jared Leto, nailed it. Guy was amazing in the movie and I would give my left fucking arm to be around him and Leo at the after parties. Tell every chick I’m their cousin and watch the cooka roll in.

Director – Spanish guy from Gravity, nailed it. I refuse to learn his name or look it up. Too lazy, good movie though, panic attacks for days.

Animated – Frozen, whiffed. What the fuck? How do the minions not win? The Golden Globes HATE Steve Carrell. No wins for Michael Scott, and now this. Still blows my mind he never won for the Office.

TV Drama – Breaking Bad, nailed it. Couldn’t have gone any other way. Followed in the Sopranos footsteps for the final season and crushed it.

TV Comedy – Brooklyn Nine Nine, kinda nailed it. It was my sleeper pick and it won. I don’t know why but it’s a very watchable show. You won’t ever laugh out loud but it’s still good. Maybe they play subliminal messages who knows.

Supporting TV Actor – Jon Voight, fuck this shit. I love Ray Donovan and I have since the first minute of the show. It’s a different kind of story but the same used up story line (tough guy can’t control his family but he controls other people). Voight was good on the show, kind of hacky but good. No one did better than Aaron Paul as a supporting actor on TV last year. This was bullshit.

Actor TV Drama- Bryan Cranston, nailed it. Just like the show winning this couldn’t have gone any other way. Should share it with Aaron though. God that pisses me off.

Side notes…
Olivia Wilde is the hottest pregnant chick ever right? Can I get her pregnant while she is currently carrying a child? Would love to find out
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Also, what the fuck is up with Woody Allen? First of all when someone gives you a LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD you show up to the fucking ceremony. It’s not like they gave him a Director of the Week paper weight. Secondly, did everyone forget he is married to his daughter?? That is super creepy, disgusting, and should be illegal. Thirdly, Diane Keaton is batshit crazy. At least he for sure got cucholded by Frank Sinatra. Look at his kid and tell me he came from his ugly weird balls.
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-Jesse