Posts Tagged ‘tom brady’


WORLDMONEYMEGA_FINALa

I love this list because it always makes me laugh. GMs and Executives always think they are so fucking smart signing someone who has a big year or two to a decade long contract where the biggest pay days are WELL past their primes. Let’s break down some of the more interesting people on the list.
Floyd has basically dominated the list every year since Tiger got divorced.
Crisitano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi being 2nd and 3rd makes since because people who have never watched soccer know how good they are. Simple as that, worldwide stars.
Aaron Rodgers being the highest paid football player may not seem right to some people but I don’t mind it. 40 million for last year is a little nuts for on the field performance but he is the face of the NFL. He is the future and he will be a/the top QB for years to come.
Matt Stafford, Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco being in the top 10 is fucking great. These are the guys who cashed in on a few good years (only Flacco has anything to show for it) and are now banging the buttholes of their teams cap limits. Good job boys.
The Phillies have 3 guys in the top 25 and they are in last place. I honestly don’t think Ryan Howard and Cliff Lee even play baseball anymore and I refuse to look it up for the correct information. There are 6 guys above anyone on the Yankees at all so all those “you buy your players” people can suck a dick under a bridge. (Thank God A-Rod is suspended and doesn’t count)
Gilbert Arenas. He may not be in the top 25 total but he is the 3rd highest paid NBA player and WASN’T IN THE LEAGUE. There is always someone like that and this time it’s Gilbert. Play on playa.

-Jesse

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Fuck it, I'm out

Fuck it, I’m out


New York Times- With Bill Parcells in the unfamiliar role of peacemaker, the Jets and the New England Patriots each got what they wanted yesterday. The Patriots hired Bill Belichick as their head coach and the Jets received the Patriots’ first-round pick for the 2000 draft in exchange for releasing the former Jets’ coach-for-a-day from his contract. The agreement ended what had been a bizarre month in which the Jets (not in this order) lost two head coaches in two days, hired a third, gained a new owner and defended themselves before the National Football League commissioner and a federal judge. Parcells took the initiative to broker the deal that led to Belichick’s hiring when he called the Patriots’ owner, Robert Kraft, on Tuesday night. ”I told him it was Darth Vader calling and he said he knew who that was,” Parcells said. It was the first meaningful conversation the two have had since Parcells — with Belichick, his assistant head coach, in tow — left the Patriots for the Jets in a wave of acrimony that has lingered for three years. But in a conversation that lasted about 40 minutes — one that Parcells described as amiable — the two buried their personal animosity.

Probably not photoshopped

Probably not photoshopped


So let’s break down a bizarre set of events that forever changed the NFL. Belichick was the DC for Bill Parcells in NE. They lose the Super Bowl to the Packers and Parcells heads to the Jets (along with Belichick and other coordinators). A few years later Parcells steps down from the Jets HC job, Bill takes the job and leaves a day later for the Pats HC job. The Jets get a first round pick and years of horrible teams while the Pats put together one of the greatest dynasties in NFL history behind Belichick. The Jets get Chad Pennington in the 1st, Pats get Tommy Terrific in the 90th. Jets still have only 1 ring, Pats got 3 in 4 years and are constantly contending. Do I hate the Patriots and Bill Belichick? Of course I do, I’m a Raiders fan. But do I hate them because they win and are a normal functioning franchise? Ab-so-fucking-lutely. So congrats Patriot fans, on this day in sports history you traded for one of the, if not the, greatest coach ever and fucked the Jets over like a true rival would.

Yes I will

Yes I will


-Jesse

imagesATEWDR0V

It all comes down to who gets the better pussy. Now hear me out before you get all judgmental. The guys who get the least interesting pussy are leading their teams to the Super Bowl and the guys who like the weird stuff are going home. Look at the figures.
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Colin Kaepernick is a single guy, huge beak, but in really good shape and practically naked in all of his magazine articles. Chicks probably send him their panties in the mail like we get ads for sales at the local car dealership. Bitches are throwing 7 different kinds of smoke at the guy. His mind was clouded with which AVN Award winner he was gonna bang after the game instead of “Should I throw a really tight pass at the best cover corner in the game with 22 seconds left”.

Animal House reference for those that don't get it

Animal House reference for those that don’t get it


On the other hand Russell Wilson has 3 ugly dogs and a wife who I’m sure only does missionary (work) and jerks him off with a glove on. Side note..Both guys claim to be very religious. Wilson says he had a dream with Jesus in it and that made him become a Christian. Kaepernick is covered in ‘religious tattoos’ and only dreams of big booty hoes. Fact.

Pathetic

Pathetic

Next we move on to the AFC Championship game. See here the same rules apply even though both guys are married. Peyton met his wife BEFORE his freshman year of college so he didn’t even get to have a three way with fat chicks, get a blowie from a ‘could it be a dude’ looking girl while hammered or get that phone call on your way to class from a chick (you swore you wrapped it up with) saying she missed her period. Plus look at his forehead. 

Never even heard of the missionary position

Never even heard of the missionary position


Brady wrote the book on rail and bails. He’s been getting crazy pussy since Day 1 but since he locked it up with Gisele, the most famous supermodel EVER, he hasn’t won shit. Coincidence? Hell no. She’s a Brazilian so I’m sure she is showing Tommy stuff we’ve never even see before. Rattlesnake wiggle, alligator fuckhouse, Cincinnati bowties, and hot carls for days. Probably gives Gisele some Arabian Goggles then goes downstairs for coffee in the morning. When he was fucking normal hot chicks his head was clear, all was good. He had a fucking BABY on the way and he dumped the bitch for Gisele. You can’t argue the facts there people!

NSFW Pic of Gisele http://www.egotastic.com/photos/gisele-bundchen-topless-from-woo-book-by-juergen-teller/gisele-bundchen-topless-from-book-01/

So congrats to the winners I guess. Give your wives some quiet, passionate, guy on top lame sex and chase that Lombardi trophy. Kaep and Brady will be in the South Pacific tied up to radiators getting their balls tasered because that’s the shit you do when you’re on their level. Bet they both wear Beats headphones and Uggs the whole time those sick fucks.

PS It’s even more fitting now that fucking Bruno Mars is the halftime show with these QBs. That’s probably half the reason the Pats and Niners lost. Who wants to watch that shit live.

-Jesse

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This is something we are going to start from here on out (until it gets lame or just sucks). We are going to find a story throughout sports history and make our usual snarky comments and hope for the best.

There are a few cool things that happened today including Bobby Knight getting 500 wins (ended with like 10,000), Dennis Rodman scoring his 10k point (near future RIP), and Ted Turner buying the Braves (Shawshank Redemption is on one of his channels right now), but the best from today is the Dolphins finishing their season undefeated. This is huge because even to this day no team has finished with a perfect record including the playoffs and Super Bowl. The Patriots a few years back surely should have won but fuckin Eli has Tommy Terrific’s number and the Giants won the game. What is maybe more ridiculous is the Dolphins lost their starting QB at week 5 and then got him back for the Super Bowl. So that’s 11 or 12 games they had to win with their back up which is pretty hard because most back ups are shitty if the starter is good. All in all though, this has to be one of the most hated good teams ever. And it all happened after they won. Sure they had the Hall of Famers littered throughout the team and that image of Shula getting carried off the field, but all I think about is dumb fuck Mercury Morris talking shit every year when all the teams in the NFL have finally lost a game. Like for real Mercury, your best known for your hair commercials and pushing that white girl/lady gaga/powder/sugar boogers/yayo in the mid 80’s. You were mediocre at best on the field and you’re ugly as shit. I hope next year when they ‘pop the champagne’ to celebrate being the only undefeated team, the cork hits him in his eye and finally ends his years of shit talking for good.

-Jesse

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ESPN- Tom Brady thinks the Patriots will be considered underdogs against Peyton Manning and the Broncos in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game and says that winning in Denver would be “as satisfying a victory” as he’s had during his illustrious career. “I think we’ve overcome a lot of things, a lot of injuries, we’ve had some amazing comebacks to get to this situation where we finished the regular season 12-4 with a lot of players filling some big roles over the course of the year,” Brady told the “Dennis & Callahan Show” on WEEI sports radio in Boston on Monday morning.

This is the best QB in the league

He has gotten way more pussy than you have


I guess I read the story wrong at first because I thought Tom Brady must have taken some weird pill and thought he was actually Underdog (one of the must underrated superheroes ever. get it, he’s an underdog super hero). If there is anyone on the planet who thinks after this year that Tom Brady and the Pats are underdogs they must be on some super crazy drugs. Look at the shit. Top three pass catchers from last year basically gone. One in Denver, one often injured, one in prison for three murders (nbd). They are using really short white guys as WRs and no name rookies. The RBs are all refurbished from other teams as well. The defense hasn’t been fucked with too much but I bet most people outside of the Northeast cannot name more than 2 people on it. And they still won the fucking division and almost clinched the number one seed in the entire playoffs. No people that is not a joke. These guys are fucking serious and they should not be considered underdogs. Tom Brady is clearly the best QB in the league because he wins with retards and guys from hospice. Bill Belichick has magical powers beyond what anyone can understand. Hate them all you want but the last thing I would do is call this year’s Patriots “underdogs” because I’m sure that only fuels the fire. Pats vs. Seahawks in the Super Bowl, Pats with (basically) home field advantage take it 34-21.

-Jesse

Brady’s longest pass of the day


There’s really not much to say about the playoff games this weekend. The four best teams in the league are going to the conference championship games. What’s surprising is that some 9-7 train wreck of a team didn’t sneak in. It can’t be very often that all of the favorites won. (I’m not going to check for sure because I don’t want to disprove my point.) But that’s parody in the NFL for you. Good teams with good players and coaches win and bad teams lose. Wait, is that parody? No. But that’s the trendy thing to say so I threw it in. So here’s what we learned:

The mind fuck laid on you by Bill Belechick will be a thousand times worse than any on field last second gut wrenching loss the Patriots will ever hand you. Tom Brady taken basically taken out of the game plan and now Lagarrette Blount is going to throw a haymaker across your chin and bulldoze you for 166 yards and 4 TDs? How do you game plan for that? Oh yeah, you have Andrew Luck throw 4INTs and prove to everyone why you don’t go slinging the ball around in shitty weather. Could’ve just handed the ball off to the two time 1st Round MVP Trent Richardson. Good job Colts. Thanks for the draft pick.

The news out of Denver is looking…normal. The Bronco’s played like Super Bowl champs for 3 quarters until they let the Chargers get a little too close at the end. And Manning missed a perfect spokesman opportunity for Coors Lite when he said he wanted a Bud Lite after the game. You play in Colorado. C’mon. I know he’s usually too concussed to know what year it is but his agent needs to hook that up for him. Nothing better to wash down a disgusting Papa John’s pizza than a shitty watered down American beer. Also Manning will be meeting with doctors after the season to make sure his head is still attached and he might play next year if he doesn’t paralyze himself pulling off his helmet in disgust after they lose next week.

The Niners are a badass team with tons of tattoos and swag, but I don’t know how they are going to Seattle and beating the best defense in the league. And I don’t care about all of that 12th man crap. They could play in the silent empty vacuum of space and the Seahawks still win 4 out of 5 times. Although I would love to see Dawson kick a game winning 60 yard field goal into the wind with the clock at 0:00 just to know he had some happiness in his career and it wasn’t a total waste rotting away in Cleveland.

Patriots and Seahawks play in New York for the Super Bowl. Seahawks win 24-21. Sell everything you have and bet it all. Guaranteed lock. Can’t lose. #moneyaintathang

-Ken

Whitehaven Patriots

So I’m watching the Pats v. Broncos game trying to figure out why the Patriots look so god awful and then I see a glaring problem on their offense. A bright, pasty white Caucasian, glaring problem. Like nine ghost white guys on offense who have never seen even a picture of the sun type problem. Like how the fuck do you expect to be competitive in this league when your trotting out nine mayonnaise skinned cream puffs every time you’re trying to score? I don’t care if Tom Brady is your QB, you better be throwing at some talent or you’re fucked. A professional porn star fucker is only going to get you so far. Michaels and Collinsworth aren’t saying it but I will. Get some fucking black people on your team or get the fuck out of the way! This isn’t your dads Celtics from the 60’s anymore Boston, you can’t be good without athleticism and talent anymore.

Update: Tom Brady is a god and white people aren’t all that bad.