Welcome to Opening Night in the NBA and…OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY!!!!

Look. I hate the Celtics. I hate men  named Kelly and Red. I hate the Garden. I hate to see wood arranged in a parquet fashion. I hate leprechauns. I hate green and white uniforms. I hate seeing the words “big” and “dig” in the same sentence. And of course I hate Rondo. But there is no way on earth anytime during my next 19 lifetimes that I would ever want to see anyone in a Celtics uniform try to unscrew his foot with the floor the way Gordon Hayward did tonight.  That was absolutely disgusting. And remember, I hate the entire town of Tongue Lick. I hate the phrase “anything is possible.” I really, really, really, hate Kelly Olynyk. But to reiterate,  nothing makes me feel worse than when a player gets his foot mixed up with a jar of pickles. Gruesome shit. I honestly hope he can play tomorrow at home against the Bucks, the Celtics are going to need him this year. 
But seriously, I hope he recovers. That was terrible.

Thank God for Joe Girardi!!

How does something like this happen?! Another team makes a mistake to help us win? That used to NEVER happen in Cleveland sports. I watch it happen for the Patriots every single week: kickers missing 3 field goals in a game, QBs throwing INTs at the goaline with the Super Bowl on the line, teams blowing 25 point leads in the Super Bowl, etc. etc. etc. But this kind of thing didn’t  happen for Cleveland teams very often. Edwin destroying his ankle lunging back to the bag while getting doubled up, that’s the kind of stuff that happens around here. Kluber getting shelled in 3 innings, that’s how we play the game.

Draymond Green swinging at Lebrons dick in game 4 of the 2016 Finals was seriously the very first time in my life that a team mentally fucked up against a Cleveland team. But now the flood gates are open! Now WE get to sit back and wait for the other teams to shit all over themselves for a change. This makes sports so much more enjoyable when you know the other teams are afraid of you and will not challenge a HBP because they “don’t want to throw off the pitchers’ rhythm.” Lol what kind hair brained reason is that?! That’s not a reason! That’s folding under the pressure! Taking CC out with only 77 pitches while he’s dominating the entire Indians lineup, that’s overthinking scared management! Yay!!!! I can’t believe we get to benefit from this! What will he do in game 3? Pinch run for Judge in the 4th inning? Bring out Chapman in the 6th? Call for a bunt with 2 strikes? 

I always assumed my lot in life as a Cleveland sports fan would be to grind out losses and pray for miracles and hope the other teams plane would crash into a mountain.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined a time where I’d be sitting back and waiting for the opposition to puke all over themselves and hand us the victory. Truly a magical time to be alive.

-Ken

Browns About To Get Blown the Fuck Up…Again

So I mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago that any Jets fan should be getting ready to kill them selves if Josh McCown ended up being their quarterback.  And just to be clear, I still believe this, but a few things have changed since then: the Jets are 2-2 and the Browns are 0-4 and will be squaring off on Sunday in Cleveland. Now I know you’re saying to yourself that I as the fan of the winless Browns should be the one killing myself, and while I’d normally agree with you I should just say that I guarantee you that I’m already dead inside. Actually finishing the job wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be in hell and my football team would still be the winless Browns. Isn’t that the definition of being dead? 

So this pretty much goes without saying but when McCown and the Jets come in on Sunday and embarrass the Browns there will be no other choice but to blow up the entire organization. Obviously all this analytics garbage doesn’t work and the only numbers that really count are wins and losses. It’s too bad because I like Hue Jackson for some reason, and I’ll miss him. Everyone else can’t get out of the building fast enough for me. 

So bet the Jets all day, no way the Browns even cover. Pick up McCownoff the waiver wire, and definitely consider him as a sneaky good, cheap QB play in Draft Kings this week. Don’t be scared away by the fact that McCown has never won in Cleveland despite having been their starting QB for a year. Browns can’t pressure him and can’t cover receivers so he’ll be picking the secondary apart the whole first half until the lead is up to 21, then he’ll just need to hand the ball off the rest of the game. 

Browns are actually favored this game which is a huge mistake. They could play 1,000 times and the Browns convincingly win zero. I know this isn’t technically college but the Jets should be favored by at least 17. 

Ken