Archive for March, 2014

Look at Vladimir Guerrero still throwing lasers around the ball park likes he’s in his prime. Poor old Baylor should’ve been in full gear. But I guess this is what happens to us all at some point. When you’re young you jump from 25 feet up out of trees on a dare, when you’re old your legs fall off in front of 45,000 horrified people. Can’t wait…

-Ken

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Very revealing like most of Howard’s interviews. Haven’t heard anything from/about George Lopez in years so this was fun to listen to.

-Jesse

He goes to North Korea and the internet explodes. Plays a game dressed like a woman and not a person notices. That’s just the way the Worm has acted for years so we are all conditioned to Drag Queen Dennis. Political Afficiando Dennis however makes me frightened for the world and our future.

-Jesse

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ESPN- For one day at least, the moderate-payroll San Diego Padres are in first place in the NL West, ahead of the big-spending Los Angeles Dodgers. Seth Smith hit a towering drive for a tying homer leading off the eighth and Chris Denorfia singled home two runs to give the Padres a 3-1 victory against the rival Dodgers in baseball’s North American opener Sunday night. Smith’s first hit with the Padres came on a 2-0 pitch from Brian Wilson, who started the eighth after Hyun-Jin Ryu threw seven scoreless innings. It sailed an estimated 360 feet into the right-field seats. It was his seventh career pinch-hit homer. He was acquired in an offseason trade with Oakland for reliever Luke Gregerson. “They’re all just one game, but when you’re facing a team like the Dodgers, full of great players, Brian Wilson, a guy who knows how to get it done in those situations, it’s not easy to do what our hitters did,” said Huston Street, who pitched a perfect ninth for the save. “To come back and get three right there in that situation, especially after leaving guys on base early, that’s what this team is going to have to do to win. We’re going to have to battle all year long.” The Dodgers set a record with an Opening Day payroll of $234 million. The Padres are 23rd at just under $90 million.

Opening Day is upon us, and by that I mean roughly two and a half weeks of Opening games played all over the world. Should it be a national holiday? Yes and no. Yes because baseball fucking rules and is a national past time, but no because then it’s just officially one day. Then again one extra Monday off of work would be amazing. Either way, baseball is upon us. The Dodgers, who have roughly 5 players on the roster who make enough to BUY the Padres, lost to their Cali rivals in a rare blown save by Brian Wilson. For a guy who shares the name of a Beach Boy he sure looks like Satan. I bet it works in his favor to add to the “Relief Pitchers are Fucking Weird” schtick, but I am really glad he hates the Yanks and doesn’t want to play there. You don’t go from a class act like Mo Rivera to an extra from the last Rob Zombie music video (they still make those right?)
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PS I see he wears the Oakley’s with headphones to warm up. Can he wear them while he pitches? That would be so fucking cool. Just make sure there is no blue toothed way for the managers to communicate with him and I would put them in every pitchers ears in baseball. Get CC all jacked up on Jigga Man and watch the no hitters roll in.

-Jesse

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One of the greatest actors in either comedy or drama. He rarely if ever turns down a role because he says you learn something new each time and I am eternally grateful for that mindset. Because of that we have Deer Hunter and we have Wedding Crashers. We have The King of New York and we have Batman 2. Has he made some shitty movies? Sure he has. But the constant exposure and different roles has introduced his incredible talent to literally generations of viewers and I hope he never stops. So Hap-py Birth-a-day Mr Walken, I hope you aren’t annoyed at every single person ever trying to imitate your voice!

Also Jessica Szohr
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Notable Mentions: Ewan McGregor, Tanya Tate, Tony Cox, and Al “I Invented the Internet” Gore

-Jesse

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The biggest item in the NFL by and far is that DeSean Jackson has been released by the Eagles. Not traded for draft picks or another veteran player, not traded for cash, just released into the wind for absolutely nothing (other than cap space). Nearly every team should be calling his agent but a lot won’t because there has been a leaked story that DJax is somehow involved with the Crips in California. This would’ve meant nothing before but thanks to Aaron “I Murdered 30 People” Hernandez this is now something that teams will be looking into. Did DeSean throw up a gang sign? Did he name his rap label Jaccpot instead of JacKpot because Crips don’t put a C and K together because it stands for Crip Killer? Does he hang out with Lil Terrio because somehow that morbidly obese child is actually 45 and a Los Angeles drug lord? Who knows. Most ‘tough guys’ want to act like they are in gangs, throw up the signs, wear red or blue and claim they are super hood. But they also don’t give back to the community and donate as much time/money as someone like DeSean. Sure he could be funding the whole fucking thing for all I know but I don’t care, bring him to Oakland and make this team better.
This is all you need to see to know any team can benefit from his services

Can’t be in a gang and shout out Whoopi GoldBIRD and Barbara Walters…
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That brings me to the Raiders. Right before the weekend they signed Maurice Jones-Drew for a 3 year deal (aka an NFL minute). So in total this Free Agency the Oakland Raiders have signed Justin Tuck, Lamarr Woodley, Antonio Smith, Terell Brown, James Jones, Donald Penn, Charles Woodson, Matt Schaub and now MJD. If this were 2009-10 I would be the happiest guy on earth. The NFL probably wouldn’t have even let this happen if it was back then. But this is 2014-15 so we basically have collected every player that has been released by their former team because they have moved on to younger players who outperform the vets. Do I like the leadership and the collection of Super Bowl Ring wearers now wearing Silver and Black? Sure it will be a great locker room dynamic. Do I like that most of these guys are averaging 30 years of life and roughly 8-9 years of NFL time? Not at all. I know they are trying to get a good base team to build from but if this all crashes and burns in about 2 year when the contracts end we are FUCKED. So good luck guys!
All of the Raiders ineptitude set to a Justin Timberlake song

“That’ll learn a bitch”…. Oh wait, wrong guy

When I lived in Ohio I loved Opening Day because it marked the end of an incredibly long and depressing winter. The sun was going to be shining more often, school was almost over, trees and grass were going to come back to life and my favorite sport was about to be on the television almost every day until the beginning of November. The feeling, especially during the mid to late 90’s when the Indians had a real chance of making the World Series every year, was a confident optimism Cleveland fans have not experienced very much in the last quarter century. Last year’s success kind of krept up on us, a Kazmir and Jimenez turned in great years and Giambi couldn’t stop hitting game winning homeruns. Swisher, Bourn and Cabrera had slow years but Kipnis, Brantley and the Goon Squad stepped in with solid performances and helped win the wild card. Possibly the most exciting part of the team is knowing that Francona is the glue that holds everything together and there is a real confident optimism that the Indians can get back to the playoffs again this year. It’s a different team, but a lot of the same personalities are back and some of the dead weight has been cut out. (I’m talking about you Perez, you know, because you’re girlfriend is definitely reading this to you while you sit on the couch braiding a new hemp necklace. Stupid head case.)

So it’s opening day, but now I’m in Florida getting ready to deal with an incredibly long and scorching summer. The sun will be shining even brighter, the stupid neighborhood kids will be out of school, and I am going to have to cut the grass at least twice a week so it doesn’t grow over the top of my house. But thankfully, my favorite sport will be on every day until November and I’m feeling confidently optimistic. I hope everyone out there is too. Except Astros fans. Your team is garbage. You guys just forget about baseball and focus on the draft and NBA playoffs. God the Astros suck.

-Ken

Brothers gotta hug!!

Had to throw in the Metcalf 2 TD punt return game against the Steelers, still gets me geeked up.