Happy Birthday Derek Carr

To the man who has saved Raider Nation.

To the man who is equal parts Tebow in his humility and love of God, and Aaron Rodgers in his gun-slinging, brass balls, rocket fueled arm.

To the man who has a bro-mance with Khalil Mack that an out of shape, awkward white guy can only dream of.

To the man who made sales of guy liner go through the fucking roof (still researching the stats on that one). Happy Birthday. Heal up my friend, we have a big year ahead of us!

PS If my next child is a boy his middle name will be Derek. Half because of Jeter, half because of Carr.

 

Jesse

The Las Vegas Fucking Raiders

 

ESPN: Raiders to Vegas

So the day of reckoning has finally happened and my Oakland Raiders have finally made it official. I have extremely mixed emotions about this because I grew up in Buffalo and Florida. I’ve never been to Oakland, or even west of the Mississippi, but I love the Raiders with all that is in my soul. Being 29 I first grew to love them as the LA Raiders. Didn’t know or care what Oakland was. It was Jeff Hostetler and Tim Brown and little Jesse rooting on team after team coming in at .500 or below. Then they moved back to Oak-town. And honestly I was a little pissed. Sure I was striking out in t-ball at the time so I had major issues, but I didn’t like change. It didn’t seem cool to leave flashy, fancy, “Laker” LA and move to crumby Oakland. Shit just reading that it still doesn’t. But I grew to love the gritty, crazy, fucked up world that was the little brother to big, bad San Fran. Now that I am older, grayer, fatter and raising a family, I never really thought the Mark “the Hairdo” Davis would have the sack (or money) to pull the trigger and I’d be watching OAK on tv for the rest of my days still bragging about the 3 rings we won before I was born.

Jump to present day and I am a part of the Las Vegas Raiders Nation. Even though it’s the same team, the same coach, the same GM, they will never be the same. They won’t win on a shitty field covered in dirt. There won’t be gang fights in the parking lot, generally between two Raider fans. They just won’t seem as tough and that’s what I will miss the most. Even going 2-14 year after year, they at least seemed tough being in Oakland. So Good bye Black Hole. Hello Black Hole, the stripper that will be on stage at every club on the strip come football season 2020.  But along with a shiny new stadium comes the Super Bowl, Pro Bowls, big ticket boxing matches and UFC fights, WWE events. All things that never happened in O.Co. And the inevitability of the Fertitta brothers and Dana White buying the team a year or two after the stadium is built.

Oh well.

Let’s just see if the city will allow them to play until the lease options are over. Word on the street is they want the whole crew the fuck out of dodge asap. That will add a very interesting wrinkle into this already fucking crazy story line. Until next time children.

Jesse

Manziel Told The Browns To Move Up For Him In The Draft So They Could “Wreck This League Together”

Shutdown Corner-Cleveland quarterbacks coach Dowell Loggains gave an Arkansas radio station the details. “We’re sitting there and they keep showing Johnny on TV, and Johnny and I are texting,” Loggains said. “And he shoots me a text and he says, ‘I wish you guys would come get me. Hurry up and draft me because I want to be there. I want to wreck this league together.’”

Now, we could translate “wreck this league” in any number of ways, but Loggains took it in the most positive way possible. “When I got that text, I forwarded it to the owner and to the head coach (Mike Pettine),” he said. “I’m like, ‘This guy wants to be here. He wants to be part of it.’ As soon as that happened, Mr. Haslam said, ‘Pull the trigger. We’re trading up to go get this guy.”’

Loggains offered up some other enticing tidbits: the Browns tried to work deals with Tennessee for the 11th pick and Dallas for the 16th pick. They also believed Kansas City was preparing to take Manziel at 23 if they hadn’t grabbed him.

 

 

Not gonna lie. I’m pretty erect right now.

I don’t care if he sent that as a mass text to EVERY team in the league. Browns read it first and replied with a resounding “Ok”

 

-Ken

 

 

Are The Browns Getting Better?

A Possible Franchise Quarterback That OTHER Team’s Fan’s Actually Wanted?


A Free Agent Signing Whose Name I’ve Heard Of?

A Favorable Draft Grade Given By People Outside Of The Browns Front Office?

Where Are Teams Going To Pass Against This Secondary?

A Good Running Back NOT Past His Prime?

The national media is doing everything they can to tear the Browns apart for “mishandling” Manziel already. They need to destroy this kid and team before the season starts otherwise what was the point of building him up in the first place? I think for the first time in my life as a Browns fan I can say that I think the team has made enough moves in the offseason that will translate into wins during the season. They can’t fuck this up now. They’re signing talent, not just warm bodies. Coaching is important and all but somewhere down the line you need to have talent on your team and the Browns simply didn’t have much for too long. We get excited about a fucking kicker for Christ’s sake! Josh Cribbs was the most exciting player for years because he ran back a zillion kickoffs during his career. Now there’s actually a pool of talent to choose from when talking about team strengths. We’re either building a strong playoff contender or the 2011 Eagles. Thank god they cut Vince Young before he called us the “Dream Team Part Deux”

-Ken

Well That Was Fun While It Lasted…

” Great party! Is your friend Herb gonna be here?”

Play this video while reading the article for full effect:

The Sports Xchange- Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon faces a season-long suspension for a positive marijuana test, his second violation of the NFL policy, according to an ESPN “Outside the Lines” report Friday.
Gordon told the network he was unaware of the report and directed all questions to Drew Rosenhaus, who said the information was not true.
Gordon, 23, is the top playmaker on the roster. The Browns passed on two wide receivers in the top 10 of the 2014 NFL Draft on Thursday, dealing their initial pick to the Buffalo Bills, who drafted Clemson’s Sammy Watkins.
Gordon was suspended last season without pay for two games, but returned to catch 87 passes for 1,646 yards, including back-to-back 200-yard games in 14 regular-season games.
More….http://sports.yahoo.com/news/report-browns-wr-gordon-faces-221931385–nfl.html;_ylt=A0LEV1pwZW1TVloA8BFXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTB0Yjkwb3VoBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDM3MF8x

_______________________________________________________________

This is why I was so excited last night. It’s the reason I went to bed with a stupid shit eating grin tattooed across my face and woke up with the most solid morning wood of my entire life. I had what Browns fans NEVER have. A perfect nights sleep. Woke up in the same position as I fell asleep in, but no limbs were numb and stinging me. Didn’t have to piss in the middle of the night. The temperature under the covers were comfortably nestled somewhere between a mothers womb and the guts of a sliced open tauntaun. Heaven. I even started off my day right. Watched ESPN and listened to The Really Big Show all morning basking in the glory and enjoying those shit heads in Connecticut being forced to admit that the Browns had a good first round. Even their digs and jabs didn’t phase me today. Watched the Johnny Football Press conference. Laughed and giggled. Held back tears. But knowing deep down in the pit of my stomach that the floor was about to drop out from beneath me. Didn’t know what exactly. Just knew there was a shit storm brewing and if I wanted to get out of the way I should’ve started running last week. Cleveland CAN”T fly this high. Not enough air up there for the entire city to suck down all at once. Plus we all took off so fast we forgot to pack parachutes. When we come down, we come down HARD. Then about 6:15 my phone exploded with texts while I was reading Goodnight Moon to my son and even without looking at the screen I knew it had happened. Each vibration in my pocket felt like another knife jab into my heart. Reality had caught wind of our escape and had quickly closed in on us like a pack of wild dogs. We all scrambled for cover, clinging on to whatever hope we had. “Rosenhouse said it’s not true!” “Browns would have drafted a WR if they knew!” “Gordon said he would change!!!”

So here we are with as far as I’m concerned a TE being our number one and plenty of good WRs left in the draft and we get a lineman. I understand we need to protect Johnny and should probably only draft linemen for the next 5 rounds but we suddenly have a glaring need on the outside. There will come a time when Manziel does need to throw the football and it’d be nice if his targets had better hands than an oak tree.

On the bright side, we will have the greatest offensive line ever assembled in the history of the world. Farmer did say the league is changing. Let’s hope that means every play is a QB sneak behind 10 guards.

-Ken

Wes Welker Handing Out C-Notes After the Kentucky Derby

Wes Welker won big at the Kentucky Derby and immediately began handing out $100 bills: http://t.co/OGre3U393S pic.twitter.com/47zcfilbU1

— USA TODAY Sports (@usatodaysports) May 5, 2014

This is a cool move but take a look at the face that cop is making. Just watching this millionaire midget walking around in an asshole’s suit, easily handing out more than he makes in a year like it’s nothing. He job is to walk Welker to his car and protect him incase a drunk asshole wants to give him the Talib treatment 2.0, probably making 15 bucks an hour, and Wes is just throwing it in his face. From what I’ve seen Welker is a cool dude but he better have lined that guy’s pockets when they left the building or I’d expect a few ‘random’ DUI checkpoints on the way home.

Talib hit

-Jesse

Artie Lange Radio Show Being Cancelled

I don’t have much on this since I just heard it on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show, but apparently DirecTv is cancelling the radio show and the tv show. So Artie finally gets out of the hospital and they can his show, pretty fucking shitty. I really like Artie, I love how he interacts with the guests but I was never a fan of Jon Ritchie being his cohost. I understand he has the insider knowledge of being an ex pro football player. I get that it’s a comedy and sports show. Jon just spoke like he has had way too many concussions. The guy fought through sentences like Bieber fights through chicks at a concert. Loved him on the Raiders, not a huge fan of him being on the radio. Either way I hope Artie lands back on air in some way, shape or form and if it was on one of Howard’s stations that would be fucking awesome. Good luck Artie.

-Jesse

NFL Releases 2014 Schedule and We Break Down the Raiders

Everyone knows the Raiders have the toughest schedule in the NFL. The other 3 teams in their division made the playoffs and just about every other team they play did as well. But there were a lot of moves made in the offseason so let’s do a quick break down of the Raiders schedule and a realistic point of view (from a rabid fan) of how they will do this year.
Week 1: Sunday, Sept. 7, at NY Jets, 1 p.m. W/L
Playing on the East Coast has been a huge problem for the Raiders and last year they got trounced by the Jets. I know, I was there. But depending on whether or not they let Vick start will dictate this game. Geno=Win, Vick=Loss.
Week 2: Sunday, Sept. 14, Houston, 4:25 p.m. W
Since we now have Houston’s QB and this will be our home opener I think we win this one. Hard to pick a team to win that has a new coach and no QB so far.
Week 3: Sunday, Sept. 21, at New England, 1 p.m. L
They’re still the Patriots? Ok, Loss.
Week 4: Sunday, Sept. 28, Miami, 1 p.m. (in London) W
This is a tough won to predict since it’s over in London, but I think they are just a better team than the Dolphins so I am predicting win in foggy London town (wow that was gay)
Week 5: BYE W

Week 6: Sunday, Oct. 12, San Diego, 4:05 p.m.
W
Since the Raiders have a bye I always will bet on the team that has the rest. I have no clue if the Chargers also have a Bye and I refuse to look it up until after I post this.
Week 7: Sunday, Oct. 19, Arizona, 4:25 p.m. W
I think to start the season the Cardinals are the better team. However I don’t think Carson and crew can keep it up this year especially not til Week 7.
Week 8: Sunday, Oct. 26, at Cleveland, 4:25 p.m. W
Because Fuck Ken that’s why.
Week 9: Sunday, Nov. 2, at Seattle, 4:25 p.m.
L
They are still the Seahawks and it’s in Seattle. No reason for the Raiders to even show up.
Week 10: Sunday, Nov. 9, Denver, 4:05 p.m. L
I think Peyton will play worse than last year but not by much. That D is now really nasty.
Week 11: Sunday, Nov. 16, at San Diego, 4:05 p.m. L
I think it’s realistic to think we can split with San Diego, especially since they always play better 2nd half of the year.
Week 12: Thursday, Nov. 20, Kansas City, 8:25 p.m. W
Our only Primetime game is at home and I think we will show up big for this. It’s a short week though so I could be wrong.
Week 13: Sunday, Nov. 30, at St. Louis, 1 p.m. W
There is a good chance Bradford will be hurt come this time of the year and it’s a 10 day rest for the Raiders.
Week 14: Sunday, Dec. 7, San Francisco, 4:25 p.m. L
This one could be ugly for Oakland but I’ll be watching for the stabbing reports coming from the stands.
Week 15: Sunday, Dec. 14, at Kansas City, 1 p.m. L
December game in KC won’t be good for the Raiders in the loudest stadium in history (maybe?)
Week 16: Sunday, Dec. 21, Buffalo, 4:25 p.m.
W
I think Buffalo will be a good team in a year or two, not sure if EJ can be a good starting QB or not. The snow will not help anything though, gonna need healthy RBs.
Week 17: Sunday, Dec. 28, at Denver, 4:25 p.m. L
Last game of the year, in Denver, most likely facing Brock Osweiler and I still don’t see the Raiders beating Denver.

Well that was fun, for a quick tally I am predicting 8/9 wins. Is that completely unrealistic? Fuck you, that’s my answer. Raider Nation..Staying retardedly optimistic since 2002.

-Jesse

Russell Wilson Divorcing His Wife of Two Years

Peace bitch

CBS Sports- Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce from his wife of over two years, the team announced on Wednesday. Wilson and his wife Ashton were married in January 2012, just three months before Wilson was selected in the third round of the NFL Draft. In somewhat of an odd move, the Seahawks released a statement on Wilson’s behalf (teams don’t usually release statements about a player’s personal life).
“I have made the difficult decision to file for divorce,” Wilson said. “Clearly, decisions like these don’t come easy. Ashton and I respectfully ask for prayers, understanding and privacy during this difficult time. Moving forward, I will have no further comment on this matter.”
The couple met in high school, then had a long-distance relationship while Wilson was at North Carolina State and Ashton was at the University of Georgia. They were engaged in August 2010, just five months before Wilson transfered to Wisconsin.

Hey bro, what’s this thing called ‘the doggy style’? Are my actual dogs involved?

First thing first, this is fucking hilarious. Wasn’t there a huge hoopla over the fact that Russell Wilson was such a good guy, a married guy, one who did gay shit with his wife and Colin Kaepernick was an asshole for being young, rich and banging chicks? I guess a Super Bowl ring changes all that, huh Rus? Not that I imagine there is too much super hot young puss running around Seattle but anything is better than being married after you win the Super Bowl and are going to get a HUGE pay increase in the next year or so. Add in the fact that he was just chilling with Gronk on the set of Entourage and I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have that ball and chain around when you get home. Christ the things he learned from Gronk would make Ron Jeremy blush. Can’t really start asking for anal after two years of missionary while looking at pictures of your dog. And who the fuck has their team do the press release? Only the guy who wants every cheerleader and cleat chaser in the tri-state area to get the message..I’m single bitches, line up!

I’d rather eat poison than leave this party for my wife (if I were Russell of course)

Ps How many dudes did this chick get railed by while at Georgia? Is 4000 too low of a number?

-Jesse

LaMarr Woodley Has Good Intentions But is Way Off

ESPN- LaMarr Woodley, one of several high-profile free agents signed by the Oakland Raiders this offseason, believes his new team will end its 11-year postseason drought. “I can definitely see [the Raiders] as a playoff team,” Woodley said Tuesday during a radio interview with 95.7 The Game. “Last year, going back and watching some film on the Raiders, there were a lot of opportunities here where they just didn’t close it out.” The Raiders went 4-12 in 2013, their 11th consecutive season without a winning record. Oakland has not reached the postseason since appearing in Super Bowl XXXVII following the 2002 season. “Some games good in the first half, they just didn’t close it out at the end of the game,” the pass-rusher told 95.7 The Game. “So now we just have to learn how to close out games, and it’ll be more wins than losses.” Tuck, who won two Super Bowls during his nine-year stint with the New York Giants, also is excited about potentially reviving the Raiders. “A lot of people always say you go to Oakland for your career to die,” Tuck said. “I’m not looking at it like that. I’m looking at it like this is an opportunity to revive a storied franchise in a city with a great fan base behind this football team. The energy and excitement around this football team should be good. I’m excited about it.”

Am I excited about this upcoming season for the Raiders? Yes as I am every year. Does that optimism disappear right after the opening kick off of week one? Without a doubt. I love that the new vet FAs that Reggie brought it are all gung-ho about being a better team and making the playoffs but saying it ‘definitely’ will happen is like saying I will ‘definitely’ get laid tonight and I ‘definitely’ will last longer than 3 minutes. Hope for the best, expect the worst. There is a reason these vets didn’t get signed by other teams and I hope they can put it together but who knows what will happen when the season comes. And I can speak for Raider Nation when I say “Stop predicting things will happen and just win 5 games” That is all we ask for at this point, just win more than 4 fucking games and give me a reason to NOT kill myself come October.

Schedule release happens tonight at 8pm if you didn’t know.

-Jesse