No, It’s Perectly Normal to Lay Flat on Your Back While Resting During Games On National TV Opening Night

What am I supposed to do with this shit? What I am supposed to think here? Of course LeBron is ok, right?! How big of an asshole would I have to be to think for a split second that his back might not be 100%? Yes, we all know he got an injection last week just like he did last year during his mid-season vacation, and he came back to finish the season strong. But this doesn’t feel the same to me. Players don’t just lay around on the fucking ground for the fun of it. They’ve got some pretty decent chairs sitting right next to the court that not only give the player a great view of the action, but have plenty of back support that should satisfy any world class athlete. Common losers spend a couple thousand dollars a night to sit in those same seats every night and LeBron just pisses all over the idea by sprawling out on a blanket like he’s having a picnic. This will probably catch on and all the stars across the league and some scrubs will be laying around on the floor the next time they roll an ankle or their hamstring tightens up. (Yes I know players have done this before but now LeBron is doing it so it’s important, see?)

Anyway, I’d like to mention that the image of LeBron blatantly resting his broken back on national TV doesn’t make me think for one second that he won’t carry the entire team around on his shoulders all year AND win a title, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel awesome about seeing it. If anything it’s a power move I guess. “Look, my spine is so fucked up I can’t even sit in a chair!….just kidding, I’m averaging 26-9-8.”

-Ken

My Life Is Getting in the Way of Valuable Witcher 3 Time

This is not so much a complaint as it is a cry for help and an attempt to drum up conversation for a game that was released 5 months ago that you surely love or never heard of. There is no middle ground here. Let me lay out the facts of the situation. I am an American male in my mid 30s who has been playing videogames since I was 5 years old. I found out my older sister had an Atari buried away in the closet that she didn’t care about; I dug it out and have been a lowly gamer ever since. But unlike those early days of little to no responsibility outside of dressing myself and peeing in a toilet, I have real life big boy responsibilities to deal with that can only be shirked for so long. I have job, wife, child, (with another on the way) home, bills and countless other (albeit less important) responsibilities that take up my time and energy each and every day. I want to be a loving husband, engaging father, valued employee, and all-round productive member of society. But how am I supposed to accomplish any of this when I absolutely 100% cannot stop thinking about playing the Witcher 3? How can I play cars with my 2 year old when I can’t stop searching for Cat Gear location videos on YouTube? How can I ask my wife about her day when all I’m really wondering is if there is another journeyman blacksmith in Novigrad that I can have craft my weapons while the other one is involved in his stupid dumpling dispute. Because I’m only level 17 and I have like 3 more levels to go before I can safely help him become a Master blacksmith, but I have sword needs in the meantime dammit! I’m a Witcher for Christ’s sake! I need my steel!!! (and silver)

Anyway this game has taken over my PS4 and nighttime “free time” (this doesn’t exist when you have a young child. All time you have away from said child should be used to prepare yourself for the next encounter you will have with the child i.e. wash their clothes, dishes, pack lunches, fix whatever they broke, clean whatever they dirtied, hide whatever they won’t stop messing with, and most importantly…sleep) But I can’t get NONE of that shit done when I need to make time to travel back to White Orchard to gather some balise fruit for a Killer Whale potion since none of the loser herbalists in Valen seem to be selling any.God I hate that any of this matters to me but it’s the current state of my life. I just need to power through this rough time until I can find some other less time consuming games to plow through. Next up will be the Uncharted Collection with short bursts of Star Wars Battlefront. I’m not even going to consider Fallout 4 until my firstborn is in college.

-Ken (devoted husband, loving father, Witcher for hire)

P.S. I can’t believe I wasted my time typing all of this when I could have been exterminating bandit camps and searching for guarded treasure. Valuable sleeping child time….

I Hate How Happy I am that the Browns are 2-3

Gary Barnidge pulls the ball in with his nuts to secure a late score on Sunday to help the Browns win their first game in Baltimore since 2007.

I stressed about the stupid Browns vs. Ravens game yesterday harder than any game so far this year. You know once your team goes 1-4 your season is done and there’s nothing worse than football season being over in the beginning of October. That’s exactly the scenario the Browns were faced with as both teams were 1-3 going into the game and fighting to stay relevant for one more week. Not only did the Browns some how stave off death for the immediate future, they gave their fans a reason to tolerate their families and coworkers for a couple of days. Nothing worse than when the Browns lose and you have to pretend like it doesn’t make you want to kill everyone you see for the next 48 hours. Then once you can see past your blind rage you still have to function as a productive member of society. Drive your kid to school while keeping the road rage cursing to a minimum. Maintain a professional relationship with your boss who’s a Bucs fan and for some reason thinks they’re a much better team. By the time you’ve willed all of your murderous demons into submission and can actually string 2 or 3 sane thoughts together in a row, it’s already next Sunday and the Browns still don’t know how to tackle or convert 3rd downs. BUT NOT THIS WEEK!!! this week the Raven fans get to hate their lives and we can all patiently wait until we might have to hate our lives for all of next week. God I love football season.

Unfortunately I don’t know how to have good weeks even when the Browns do win. I’m so surprised at my joy that I can only marvel at the fact that I’m not angry. So anyway it’s on to the Super Bowl for sure now that Josh McCown is the best quarterback in the world and Gary Barnidge is the greatest playmaker the league has ever seen.

-Ken

Nick Chubb’s Knee Injury is a Sight to Behold

Well there it is. Your classic, “kick yourself in the face, you’re going to have to learn how to walk again, tore every ligament in your body, how is that even possible, life threatening leg injury.”

If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time you know that I have a special place in my heart for horrific knee injuries. It’s better than watching car crashes because they’re almost always on camera and available to watch frame by frame in slow motion. You can analyze and savor every last millisecond over and over until you  either climax or your laptop dies. No matter what I start off watching on Youtube I always end up in the “Life ending soccer knee injury” section.

So pour yourself a glass of bourbon, settle in and enjoy starring at this picture for the rest of the night with me.

Gruesomely Yours,

Ken

Obviously this is a terrible injury and I hope he’s ok and can come back from it. Hell, I’m sure the Browns will draft him next year and I’ll be wearing his jersey in less than a year from now. But you have to understand my fascination with these injuries have nothing to do with the person or any kind of life altering ramifications they may cause. It’s purely a visual euphoria that makes every last synapse in my brain fire off like it’s the 4th of July. It’s like appreciating a Picasso, you know both eyes don’t belong on one side of the face but it looks so beautiful when it’s done with some artistic ability. Likewise, I know a human’s leg should never look like a gazelle’s back leg, but when they can pull it off you can’t help but appreciate it. Life is art, man! You just have to keep your eyes open or you’ll miss it!

Having suffered a couple of knee injuries myself I know some of the pain he’ll be enduring in the future. However unlike me, he’ll be returning to his competitive athletic form, where as I just wanted to learn how to walk in a straight line without a limp and be able to golf again without my leg folding in half on my follow through. It’s all about quality of life when you’re not a star athlete.

Am I Being A Bad Fan Because I’m Worried About the Cavs?

I need to preface this little bit of worrisome drivel with the statement of “I believe without a doubt that the Cavs are the best team in the league and will win the Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy this coming season.”

But…..I’m worried. And it’s only because everyone (except LeBron) is so goddamn injury prone. I understand injuries happen to every team every year and everyone has to deal with it. You can’t go into a season worrying that players will get hurt, it’s just a waste of time. But this team isn’t even going into the season healthy at all! And their track record indicates that they wont be healthy or stay healthy for any considerable length of time. Andy can’t stay healthy anymore. Shump gets dinged a lot, Love has a bad back, oh yeah and some Busch leaguer (Olynik) pulled his arm out of socket late last year. (it does look like he’s lost some weight so maybe that will help the back issues) And Kyrie…..well, for as much as I want to believe he’ll be his same old “attack the rim with reckless abandon and land on his knees and legs and shit” self, I just don’t see him doing that this year coming off of a cracked knee cap. Maybe he’ll be the knock down shooter we need in the post season that LeBron can kick it out to late in games when we need a shot.

Anyway I still believe they’ll be alright, they do have basically 3 months to get healthy and only need to win about 38 or 40 games in that time to get in the playoffs. I know it doesn’t really matter until then but if I’m watching LeBron and Delly in June again this year I might have a stroke.

Notice I’m not even going to mention a certain player of considerable value on this team hardly ever gets injured because that’s the quickest way to jinxing career ending ACL tears on the entire roster.

-Ken