Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

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Gotta start this off with all the information. I do not watch college basketball unless the Gators make the tournament and also make it to the Sweet Sixteen. So I have no clue what a “good game” should look like. But this game fucking sucks. UNC is awful shooting the ball. I’ve watched them miss 1 billion 3s. Gonzaga looks slightly better but also like they don’t really know what’s going on. Lot of fouls. Just a very ugly game. Maybe it’ll get better but I doubt it.

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Also what the hell does a fucking ram have to do with a Tar Heel? Why can’t colleges get their shit together. Gators. Fighting Irish. Bulldogs. Cocks. Easy, simple names. The Tar Heels? Although a great hat when I was a kid, why do they also have a ram? Why not just be the rams from North Carolina? Or the tabacco field workers? Those sons of bitches are probably as tough as 10 rams…Also what I hate are the Stanford fucking trees, Auburn Tigers/War Eagles and Alabama Roll Tide aka Elephants. Can’t we just cut Alabama loose and call it a day?

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This is my angry post because I’m sick and I hate everyone. Unless I win my bracket with a UNC win, then I only hate a few people.

 

Jesse

Bradenton Herald

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So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking their lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

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Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

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Jesse

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So this morning on my slow crawl to work down the NJ Turnpike, I’m listening to Boomer and Carton like I always do. A caller brings up the “epidemic” of NBA stars resting during nationally televised games and robbing the fans of seeing LeBron flop like a fish and Steph Curry chew on a mouth guard, or shoot a 100 threes or some shit. Carton has the best take I’ve ever heard (title recall kids, that’s what brings in the big bucks), he said if the public i.e. fans, the media, everyone, didn’t make such a huge fucking deal about ‘how many rings do you have’ then this wouldn’t even be a thing. Is LeBron the best ever? By all accounts he could be when he is done playing. Does he have 6 rings? Maybe not, so clearly he isn’t the best. Shit Kobe was essentially a corpse being drug up and down the court for a few games a year just so he could try and get that 6th title…I say 6 because no one counts Russell’s 11 since he was playing against a bunch of accountants every night. Good for him, but it doesn’t count.

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So if we didn’t measure every single fucking thing an individual player does based on titles no one would care as much. They would want to be out there chasing the most points scored, or most assists, or most rebounds. Basketball gets the biggest beef because when one star sits it’s a much bigger difference in the game, but every sport is like that. Brady has 5 rings, now he is better than Montana. He probably was anyway. A-Rod only got one so he can’t be better than a lot of other guys, or Griffey didn’t get any so he didn’t achieve what he was supposed to. Shit in your hat and eat it.

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But that’s not the world we live in and it won’t be changing anytime soon. So get used to the star players taking random rests and get used to fans hating the NBA more and more than they already do.

 

Jesse

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To the man who has saved Raider Nation.

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To the man who is equal parts Tebow in his humility and love of God, and Aaron Rodgers in his gun-slinging, brass balls, rocket fueled arm.

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To the man who has a bro-mance with Khalil Mack that an out of shape, awkward white guy can only dream of.

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To the man who made sales of guy liner go through the fucking roof (still researching the stats on that one). Happy Birthday. Heal up my friend, we have a big year ahead of us!

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PS If my next child is a boy his middle name will be Derek. Half because of Jeter, half because of Carr.

 

Jesse

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This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

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First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

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Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

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Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

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ESPN: Raiders to Vegas

So the day of reckoning has finally happened and my Oakland Raiders have finally made it official. I have extremely mixed emotions about this because I grew up in Buffalo and Florida. I’ve never been to Oakland, or even west of the Mississippi, but I love the Raiders with all that is in my soul. Being 29 I first grew to love them as the LA Raiders. Didn’t know or care what Oakland was. It was Jeff Hostetler and Tim Brown and little Jesse rooting on team after team coming in at .500 or below. Then they moved back to Oak-town. And honestly I was a little pissed. Sure I was striking out in t-ball at the time so I had major issues, but I didn’t like change. It didn’t seem cool to leave flashy, fancy, “Laker” LA and move to crumby Oakland. Shit just reading that it still doesn’t. But I grew to love the gritty, crazy, fucked up world that was the little brother to big, bad San Fran. Now that I am older, grayer, fatter and raising a family, I never really thought the Mark “the Hairdo” Davis would have the sack (or money) to pull the trigger and I’d be watching OAK on tv for the rest of my days still bragging about the 3 rings we won before I was born.

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Jump to present day and I am a part of the Las Vegas Raiders Nation. Even though it’s the same team, the same coach, the same GM, they will never be the same. They won’t win on a shitty field covered in dirt. There won’t be gang fights in the parking lot, generally between two Raider fans. They just won’t seem as tough and that’s what I will miss the most. Even going 2-14 year after year, they at least seemed tough being in Oakland. So Good bye Black Hole. Hello Black Hole, the stripper that will be on stage at every club on the strip come football season 2020.  But along with a shiny new stadium comes the Super Bowl, Pro Bowls, big ticket boxing matches and UFC fights, WWE events. All things that never happened in O.Co. And the inevitability of the Fertitta brothers and Dana White buying the team a year or two after the stadium is built.

Oh well.

Let’s just see if the city will allow them to play until the lease options are over. Word on the street is they want the whole crew the fuck out of dodge asap. That will add a very interesting wrinkle into this already fucking crazy story line. Until next time children.

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Jesse

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So I’m sitting here waiting out the Celtics vs. Hawks game (just an appetizer before the Warriors game where I’m absolutely convinced Curry will somehow leave the arena in an ambulance by the 2nd quarter) and I’m watching stupid Kelly Olynyk running up and down the court like a fucking goon and I’m reminded about how much I hate his entire existence and the idiotic argument that what he did to Kevin Love in the playoffs was somehow an accident. It’s just an insult to anyone with a shred of common sense and two eyeballs that he didn’t absolutely rip his arm out of socket on purpose. The most common argument is that Olynyk is just a big clumsy goofball that doesn’t have control over his body and he accidentally latched onto his arm and fell. These are the same assholes who will try to tell you with  a straight face that Brady doesn’t deflate footballs. They just hide behind the good fortune that has befallen them and will bitch like everyone else when a call goes against them. Let’s not kid ourselves. They are just doing what any other fan would do. It’s like how Ravens fans were able to stand behind Ray Lewis all those years. There’s no way they could actually feel good as a person for cheering for him, but they lie to themselves because they know it’s their only chance to win. They buy their kids a murder’s jersey, and pretend they’re a respectable human. But I get it, I would do the same thing if I ever had a player on my team worth cheering for. It’s all part of being a fan. You sell your soul for winning. I’m prepared to do it. Just get me that cheater/murder/rapist who is good enough to win me anything and I’ll be on board.

But anyway my point is that Kelly Olynyk is a piece of shit and if he really is a clumsy oaf, then where are all of the other season ending injuries he’s caused  other players? Where is the pile of broken arms he’s left in his wake due to his inability of properly block out an opposing rebounder? Surely he would be injuring  other players on a nightly basis if he was clumsy enough to dislocate a shoulder trying to “get to a loose ball”?

Oh, he’s only ever done that to one player? In the last game of a playoff sweep where he was being dominated for the first 3 games and he was frustrated? Where he was so mentally dominated that he just decided to resort to the most bush league tactic in the history of sport and he intentionally hurt another player? Oh yeah, that’s what happened. I almost forgot. Kelly Olynyk is a pathetic goon and if JR Smith doesn’t sucker punch him in the back of his head in the first 3 minutes of the game the next time the Cavs play the Celtics then I will be greatly disappointed.

-Ken