UNC vs Gonzaga

 

Gotta start this off with all the information. I do not watch college basketball unless the Gators make the tournament and also make it to the Sweet Sixteen. So I have no clue what a “good game” should look like. But this game fucking sucks. UNC is awful shooting the ball. I’ve watched them miss 1 billion 3s. Gonzaga looks slightly better but also like they don’t really know what’s going on. Lot of fouls. Just a very ugly game. Maybe it’ll get better but I doubt it.

 “Baaaahhhh fucking kill me baahhhhh”

Also what the hell does a fucking ram have to do with a Tar Heel? Why can’t colleges get their shit together. Gators. Fighting Irish. Bulldogs. Cocks. Easy, simple names. The Tar Heels? Although a great hat when I was a kid, why do they also have a ram? Why not just be the rams from North Carolina? Or the tabacco field workers? Those sons of bitches are probably as tough as 10 rams…Also what I hate are the Stanford fucking trees, Auburn Tigers/War Eagles and Alabama Roll Tide aka Elephants. Can’t we just cut Alabama loose and call it a day?

 Ok she can stay.

This is my angry post because I’m sick and I hate everyone. Unless I win my bracket with a UNC win, then I only hate a few people.

 

Jesse

Happy Birthday Derek Carr

To the man who has saved Raider Nation.

To the man who is equal parts Tebow in his humility and love of God, and Aaron Rodgers in his gun-slinging, brass balls, rocket fueled arm.

To the man who has a bro-mance with Khalil Mack that an out of shape, awkward white guy can only dream of.

To the man who made sales of guy liner go through the fucking roof (still researching the stats on that one). Happy Birthday. Heal up my friend, we have a big year ahead of us!

PS If my next child is a boy his middle name will be Derek. Half because of Jeter, half because of Carr.

 

Jesse

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

The Las Vegas Fucking Raiders

 

ESPN: Raiders to Vegas

So the day of reckoning has finally happened and my Oakland Raiders have finally made it official. I have extremely mixed emotions about this because I grew up in Buffalo and Florida. I’ve never been to Oakland, or even west of the Mississippi, but I love the Raiders with all that is in my soul. Being 29 I first grew to love them as the LA Raiders. Didn’t know or care what Oakland was. It was Jeff Hostetler and Tim Brown and little Jesse rooting on team after team coming in at .500 or below. Then they moved back to Oak-town. And honestly I was a little pissed. Sure I was striking out in t-ball at the time so I had major issues, but I didn’t like change. It didn’t seem cool to leave flashy, fancy, “Laker” LA and move to crumby Oakland. Shit just reading that it still doesn’t. But I grew to love the gritty, crazy, fucked up world that was the little brother to big, bad San Fran. Now that I am older, grayer, fatter and raising a family, I never really thought the Mark “the Hairdo” Davis would have the sack (or money) to pull the trigger and I’d be watching OAK on tv for the rest of my days still bragging about the 3 rings we won before I was born.

Jump to present day and I am a part of the Las Vegas Raiders Nation. Even though it’s the same team, the same coach, the same GM, they will never be the same. They won’t win on a shitty field covered in dirt. There won’t be gang fights in the parking lot, generally between two Raider fans. They just won’t seem as tough and that’s what I will miss the most. Even going 2-14 year after year, they at least seemed tough being in Oakland. So Good bye Black Hole. Hello Black Hole, the stripper that will be on stage at every club on the strip come football season 2020.  But along with a shiny new stadium comes the Super Bowl, Pro Bowls, big ticket boxing matches and UFC fights, WWE events. All things that never happened in O.Co. And the inevitability of the Fertitta brothers and Dana White buying the team a year or two after the stadium is built.

Oh well.

Let’s just see if the city will allow them to play until the lease options are over. Word on the street is they want the whole crew the fuck out of dodge asap. That will add a very interesting wrinkle into this already fucking crazy story line. Until next time children.

Jesse

Pettine My New Hero…Still The Worst Coach ON The Planet And Should Be Fired Tomorrow

http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_5ub2tg9w

(Reuters) – Johnny Manziel‘s reign as starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns proved short-lived as the National Football League club demoted him on Tuesday one day after a partying video of him hit social media sites.Browns coach Mike Pettine said in a statement issued by the team that veteran quarterback Josh McCown would start Monday’s game against the Baltimore Ravens and would be his starter “going forward”.Manziel, known by the nickname “Johnny Football” from his standout collegiate years at Texas A&M, had been named the Browns’ starter for the rest of the season after throwing for 372 yards in a loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Nov 15.The quarterback change was decided after a series of photos and videos surfaced on Monday of Manziel allegedly partying last weekend in Texas during the team’s bye week.

Manziel’s erratic off-field behavior has been an issue with the Browns (2-8) since he was drafted in the first round of the 2014 NBA Draft.The 22-year-old Manziel spent 10 weeks in a treatment facility during the offseason for undisclosed reasons and last month he was questioned by police after witnesses reported him driving dangerously and getting physical in an altercation with girlfriend.

Manziel was cleared of any wrongdoing in the incident.”Everyone in this organization wants what is best for Johnny just like we do for every player in our locker room,” Pettine said in the statement.

“I’m especially disappointed in his actions and behavior because he has been working very hard.”

In limited action last season, Manziel completed 18 of 35 passes with no touchdowns and two interceptions.

“The improvements from last year to this year have been tremendous but he still has to consistently demonstrate that he has gained a good understanding of what it takes to be successful at the quarterback position on this level,” said the coach. “It goes well beyond the field.

“We are going to continue to support him in every way possible, but at this point, we’ve decided it’s best to go with Josh as the starter going forward.”

 

_____________________________________________________________

This is about the greatest move Pettine could have made at this point. It’s his final “Fuck You” to Ray Farmer, Jimmy Haslam, and the Browns organization as a whole. He obviously never wanted Manziel on the team in the first place and will make every effort possible to make sure he never gets a shot at being an NFL QB. What better way to put another nail in Farmer’s coffin then to absolutely refuse to play his beloved first round, future of the franchise, gonna “wreck this league together” quarterback then to bury him so far down the bench that Farmer would look like an even bigger idiot if he didn’t cut him immediately?  Pure genius move in my estimation.

But as a friend pointed out there is no way that Pettine is that smart and he probably just thinks Josh McCown really is his best option for winning a NFL football game. Josh McCown. Career loser. had a crazy revelation that flying on planes is a lot like watching porn. Don’t believe me? Watch this:

https://vimeo.com/19019852

 

So in reality this is the best case scenario for the Browns. They are in line for the first overall pick in the draft and they need the best quarterback available and should probably use the next to picks on that position too just to be sure. They’ve already been losing due to a combination of horrible coaching, horrible players, and horrible jerseys. But now because Pettine is stupid enough to think that running out the exact same team out there with the exact same busted game plan is going to somehow win a game this all but guarantees that the Browns don’t win another game this year and finish 2-14 with the first draft pick. It really IS genius! Pettine is getting what he wants and fans are getting what is really NEEDED. New GM, coaches and players are all in our future and finally we will have hope again.

 

-Ken

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Sam Sacks Johnny Manziel; Is Johnny Now Infected With The Gay?!

Once an infected gay has wrestled you to the ground, it’s likely the virus has already been spread. Drinking Lysol has not shown to slow the process despite initial reports that such an action could possibly cure a carrier of the disease.

 

The prognosis is not good for Johnny Football. First he can’t beat out a cripple for the starting QB job and now he might be infected with a career threatening and potentially “fabulous” disease. Michael Sam is full blown gay balls and it’s already threatening his chances to make an NFL roster. Johnny’s football career is already a hot mess and any more distractions will only make his path to becoming a starting QB more unlikely.

Per league sources: Johnny was seen pooping rainbows in the locker room after the Saturday night preseason game vs. the Rams. Coach Pettine declined comment as to whether or not he believed Johnny was already showing signs of infection. Manziel’s agent also declined comment but mentioned that his client was scheduled to test drive a Prius on Sunday.

The hits just keep coming for the Browns.

 

-Ken

Butt-hurt Le Batard Finally Snaps

Le Batard’s pathetic sign he actually paid money for…..

 

It’s been very hard to locate an actual Miami Heat fan in the weeks since LeBron has decided to come back to Cleveland. I live close to the nest here in Florida and until 3 weeks ago I couldn’t walk 10 feet without seeing a Heat jersey and don’t give me the bullshit excuse that the season is over and that’s why no one is wearing them. It’s the middle of the summer and perfect sleeveless weather. . And when you spend $130 on a shirt with no fucking sleeves, you can be DAMN sure it’s getting worn 5 times a week.  Even the fans that I’ve cornered into a conversation about the current state of the Heat can’t tell me anything other than they don’t care LeBron left and he owes them a big ol’ thank you for some reason that still has not been explained to me in any real coherent fashion. What the hell does LeBron owe them a thank you for?! HE was the one who brought THEM 2 more titles! Am I just getting roped in here? I mean it makes no sense even if they were purely doing it to troll Cleveland fans as Le Batard has even stated himself referring to his billboards he posted in Akron.

I thought Cavs fans could have come off better after the decision in 2010, obviously burning your own clothes in anger on national TV is not a good look, but this billboard is so much more of a bitch move I can’t even comprehend it. The jersey was on fire less than 3 minutes after LeBron said he was leaving; it was a gut reaction, in the Miami Heat of the moment. Le Batard has had weeks to formulate some kind of witty gesture to really stick it to LeBron or Cavs fans in general I guess. But the best he came up with was a passive aggressive blurb that sounds like a junior high school girl wrote it on Facebook.

I guess what I should really be saying here is the most obvious point in all of this. And this is what Le Batard and all 15 of the other Heat fans need to understand: You don’t matter anymore. You’re not important. No one cared what happened in Miami before LeBron and no one cares now because it was never about you. It was never about the Heat. It’s always been about LeBron. So you need to keep your mouths shut (as most of you have) and keep your billboards in your own city and be happy with what just happened to you for the last 4 years and understand that no one owes you a single shred of gratitude or even a half hearted thanks.

I guess Le Batard accomplished his goal of getting at least one Cleveland fan riled up but as far as I’m concerned his gesture was the dying breath of a shitty fan base and he knows he wont be talking about anything meaningful for the rest of his career so he need one last shot. ESPN suspended him for 2 days but he probably wishes they ordered him to be executed instead of having to go back and talk about Wade’s broken knees and Bosh’s crippling max deal that is already butt fucking the Heat back into the stone age.

So moments like this have brought out a new breed of Cavs fans. Fans who know we’re better than you. Prove me wrong. You can’t. Get used to it because it’s totally going to suck for you for a long time.

 

-Ken

I Hate?….. Asdrubal Carbrera? Wow. I Think I do.

Nice pearl necklace loser! Burn!

FantasySP.com-MINNEAPOLIS (AP) – Cleveland Indians shortstop Asdrubal Cabrera has left the game with the Minnesota Twins because of lower back spasms. Cabrera played two innings Monday night before being taken out.
(7/21/2014)

_________________________________________________________

This is new territory for me as a true homer in every sense of the word. I ALWAYS root for every player on my teams to be successful because that’s just what a dumb blind idiot would do. If he’s on the team he’s my favorite player. That’s the stupid thing I believe in. And a few years ago Asdrubal might have been about my favorite player on the Indians so I can honestly say that when he left the game tonight and I said “Good, get that fucking piece of shit outta’ there” that I was just as surprised to hear the words as anyone in the room. (Completely alone) I was surprised because I was at the game in Tampa a few years ago when Asdrubal broke his arm and I was devastated. He was my favorite player. Jesus Christ.
So what the hell happened? Well without getting into stats (because that would be responsible) I would just like to state that he’s totally being a piece of shit the last 2 years. It feels like every inning ends with him taking off his batting gloves and helmet and handing it to the first base coach because he just grounded into an inning ending DP. And I’ve lost count of all the errors this year. I don’t know the exact number but I’d guess it’s somewhere in the 1000’s so far. At least 50 a game. The Tribe have about 4 utility players starting every game and I don’t see why they just don’t trade Cabrera and plug in another at shortstop. He CAN’T be in the long term plans at the position right? That would be lunacy. As a matter of fact I know that Francisco Lindor is the SS waiting to be called up and he’s the best prospect in the whole organization. The future starts now.

-Ken

Chris Bosh Waving Off The Help Like He’s An Egyptian King

Gotta love (hate) Bosh’s total disregard for the little worthless people who only exist to make his life more comfortable. I would be completely surprised of the towel boy was even allowed to look at him in the eyes. But seriously, why would he ever waste a half second of his life to acknowledge a poor piece of shit when he needs to focus 100% on letting Tony Parker shoot layups in his face and getting open three ball looks.

I’m not saying he needs to completely turn around and say “No thank you, Mike. I’m already adequately hydrated thanks to your attentiveness, how’s your kids doing by the way? Little Mikey Jr. get an A on his science project?”
But at least give the guy a grunt and a head twitch. Nothing worse than the dismissive hand wave.

-Ken

Blown Call Presents: Movie Reviews- Neighbors

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I could write a huge essay about why this movie was shit but it would be just as much of a waste of time as it was to see this hunk of crap. I’m sure it was fun to make and to be on set but it didn’t translate to the screen. And I’m not comparing it to Schindler’s List and The Godfather. Just take this and compare it to the other R rated comedies of the past few years (most featuring Seth Rogen in some way) and it just doesn’t hold up. It seemed too forced, too unnatural, and just off. And a bunch of times it was noticeable they cut parts of the movie out so they could fit everything in to a certain time frame. Half of the funniest parts in the trailer aren’t even in the movie itself. Save your time and just go see Spiderman 2 again.

PS I still would give an arm and a leg to party with Zac Efron during his drinking/coke days. That would be a fucking hell of a time.
PSS And if Efron isn’t in Magic Mike 2, Channing Tatum is as dumb as he looks because that kid was made for that kind of movie, not this.

-Jesse