Archive for November, 2013

Definitely a WHO R8X


Charlene Sakoda, Odd News- A Missouri driver did not appreciate the message she saw on the state issued license plate that she recently received. KTVI Fox 2 News reported that Deb Levy’s new plate read “WH0 R8X” something she was offended by and felt could be read as, “whore eight times.” It’s a message, placed below the state’s nickname the “Show Me State,” that is insulting to Deb.
In KTVI’s report the upset driver said, “I’m driving around with that plate and people go, ‘Oh there’s a [bleep]. There’s a [bleep].’” She added, “Who wants to drive around with that word on the back of your car? Would you?” Deb’s teen daughter Abigail agrees with her mother saying, “Yeah it’s probably not a good idea to drive it.”
So the Missouri mom has decided to keep the expired license plate on her car’s bumper and carry the current plate inside the car just in case a police officer stops her. Deb filed a complaint with the state and asked for a replacement but was told that she would have to pay a fee of $17. While the cost is seemingly small the Missouri driver said, “It is not about the money, but when I showed it to them they said it just said, ‘Who.’…Can you spell?” Still, some commenters on the station’s story wrote that they see no problem with the plate and also read it as, “Who R8X.”

This dumb uppity bitch can’t possibly be serious can she? I read this plate 30 times before I gave up and read the story. I was sitting on my couch saying “R-8-X” aloud trying to hear what the fucking problem was. Couldn’t get it. Maybe I’m the retard. Or…Or maybe this bitch is secretly wishing someone thought she was a whore. This plate is her fantasy and now that God has dropped her calling card on her lap she suddenly has a conscious and can’t deal with all of her dreams coming true. Suddenly she’s concerned about what her family thinks. I’m not buying it sugar tits. If you look at that plate and see “Whore 8 times” in the first 1,000 times you read it, then you are a whore, no less than 8 times. Let me give you a real sob story: My grandma’s plate reads ANL and some numbers. ANL. That is unmistakable. I don’t care what the numbers are, after the first part reads ANL, you’re definitely getting honked at and propositioned at red lights. I know, because I was sitting in the car when it happened. It’s not comfortable.
-Ken

About Sums It All Up


So all 4 of my fantasy teams won this week. What are the odds of that happening you ask? Exactly 1.7%. How do I know? Because I said so that’s how. This kind of thing doesn’t happen. None of my teams are even remotely the same. Most weeks I have Brees fucking and helping me at the same time. I had a scenario this year where I needed Manning to throw 3 TDs to win one league, but no more than 2 to D. Thomas or that was a loss in another. But if Welker got 80 yards that was a win for 2 leagues unless he got a TD. Oh and at the same time in another other league I needed Manning to break both of his legs and die on the field before kickoff or I was fucked…..unless he only handed off to Moreno 87 times. Needless to say my best week up until this point has been 2-2. Going 4-0 in different leagues with different teams means I am a cool person and not at all a loser for having 4 teams right? Right? Hello?

And on a “I hate my life as a Browns fan” type side note, the Browns have signed a Division III QB who is mostly known for throwing footballs into moving vehicles and over scoreboards. Not for winning football games, grasping offenses, or reading defenses. Good job management. Good job. Now you see why I’m so excited about winning some stupid fantasy games.

I can just imagine so many of those beautifully placed passes bouncing out of Little’s hands on 3rd down right now.
-Ken

“Oh, So You Want Me to Shoot 3’s Now, Huh?”


Cleveland Plain Dealer-“It’s the first time he’s gotten close to showing everybody the full package of what he can do,” Cavaliers coach Mike Brown said. “He’s a guy who can post up, shoot right hand, left hand jump hooks. He can shoot a turnaround jump shot, he can shoot a jump shot. He’s a very capable 3-point shooter. That’s probably the only thing he didn’t show offensively. But just to show some of his versatility on the offensive end, we were able to see some of it throughout the course of the game.”-Mike Brown

So the hilarity equivalent of Brown benching Bynum 5 seconds after horribly missing a 3 pointer is Brown being fired 5 games into the season for horribly coaching the Lakers. And now Cleveland has to deal with both of them. And to make it worse, it’s the second time around that we are forced to watch a completely inept Mike Brown offense. If you couldn’t get it done with the best player in the fucking league, then what makes you think this time is going to go any better? But this is what it’s coming to in Cleveland. Bynum chucking up 3’s while Kyrie probably doesn’t even touch the ball. I don’t care if Brown was even kidding about Bynum being “a very capable 3-point shooter.” (It doesn’t even feel right typing it.) He has no room to joke about anything offensive on this team. Oh, and by the way Brown, you defensive fucking genius you, your team is giving up 102 points a game!
I know it’s only 15 or 900 games into the season, whichever it doesn’t matter; I’m already tired of Kyrie being handcuffed by Brown, Bennett being the WORST bust in NBA history. (Yes even worse than Len Bias because he was at least good at snorting a whole bunch of cocaine. Bennett has a sweet tooth and makes Big Baby look fit.) I’m tired of being petrified that every step down the court will be Bynum’s last until his knees explode and he never walks again. I’m tired of Andy shooting a fucking basketball with sideways spin and still having the highest FG% on the team. And mostly, I’m tired of Chris Grant blowing every top 5 pick like it doesn’t matter because he’ll have another one next year. He could have constructed the NBA’s version of the Globetrotters by now with all of the talent he’s missed on. It takes a special kind of incompetence to be that bad. Damian Lillard would look better on this team, even Ricky Rubio. Cody Zeller is better than Tyler for Christ sake! Bennett misses less than Grant! I’ll take an entire team of guards I don’t fucking care. Since every player settles for jump shots anyway! And especially now that we’re talking about Bynum shooting 3’s! Fuck me!!!

There’s no way the Cavs beat the Heat at home Wednesday night on national TV. NO WAY!! Heat win by 35 and it’s not even that close.

-Ken

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 I was going to post an article about the game and about the Gators and blah blah blah. But fuck Muschamp. Georgia Southern beat the Florida Gators. I am a pretty big sports fan, college football included, and the most I know about Georgia Southern is they are apparently located in the southern portion of the state of Georgia. They have no business being even close in a game against a billion dollar sports team. Sure that last part could be inflated but come on, who cares, Fuck this guy and the horse he rode in on from Texas. The only thing Muschamp is good for is a really good angry face.

And Jeremy Foley saying he is 1000% behind Muschamp, well fuck you too (Al Pacino Scent of a Woman voice).


-Jesse

RAIDER_NATION_1

FOXSports- Police praised a football fan for saving the life of a woman who jumped from the third-level deck of the Oakland Raider’s home stadium by breaking her fall. The woman, who was not identified, was critically injured Sunday after plunging about 45 feet at O. co Coliseum. She jumped shortly after the Raiders’ 23-19 loss to the Tennessee Titans and as fans were filing out of the stadium. A good Samaritan who tried to break her fall was injured in the process, stadium officials said in a statement. ”He saved her life quite honestly, at his own expense,” Alameda County Sheriff’s Sgt. J.D. Nelson told the Oakland Tribune. ”This guy 100 percent saved her life. She’d be dead now.” Nelson said the woman went to a seating area that was covered by a tarp and appeared to be alone when she jumped. The man who was on the concourse level saw her and repeatedly shouted, ”don’t do it,” Nelson said. Nelson told KTVU-TV he lunged toward the woman as she dropped. He was knocked down and was taken to a hospital with serious injuries. The man’s name was not released. Nelson told the TV station he was a former Marine from Stockton and Raiders season ticket holder.

There are a few different things happening in my head as I read this story. First thing is I’m glad the lady and the guy will eventually be alright. Secondly how bad ass is this guy. Former marine so he’s served our country. Raiders season ticket holder so clearly a glutton for punishment. But he’s just there chilling out, hoping Janikowski doesn’t shank another easy chip shot field goal, and he looks up to see some crazy lady trying to kill herself. He instantly kicks back into marine mode and risks his own life to save this woman’s life. When he heals that is free shots and beejers in every bar in the Oakland area. Hell of a human being and Raider fan right there. Kinda makes you forget that the fans around him probably looted his pockets as he lay on the ground knocked out from saving the woman’s life, because most Raider fans are pieces of shit. We just won’t add that to the story.

But the Raiders once again let an easy one get by. I know they are missing a lot of players and are using an undrafted rookie QB but they could have taken this one without any problems. On offense they were ok, could have been a lot better. I liked that they used Marcel Reece a little more but I am one of many who thinks he should touch the ball many, many more times than he currently does. Far too great of a physical mismatch to not be in the games more. McGloin looked good and I can’t wait until Thursday when they will have McFadden, Jennings, and Pryor to add to the mix on offense. Yea I see what I just wrote. It sounds stupid but with those players you can add a few packages where you have no clue who will have the ball in their hands and confuse the fuck out of the Cowboys. The run D looked as good as it always does (which actually is really good) but their pass D was once again sickening. Blown plays everywhere and it didn’t help that Mike Jenkins got hurt.

Three loses by 4 points is a really hard pill to swallow as a fan. Score just one more touchdown in those games and the AFC West has three of the AFC playoff spots locked up and people are calling Reggie McKenzie a genius. With those loses and we are just the Raiders in the bottom of the AFC West as per usual.

-Jesse

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NBA.com EL SEGUNDO – The Los Angeles Lakers have signed Kobe Bryant to a two-year contract extension, it was announced today by General Manager Mitch Kupchak. Per team policy, terms of the contract were not released. “This is a very happy day for Lakers fans and for the Lakers organization,” said Kupchak.  “We’ve said all along that our priority and hope was to have Kobe finish his career as a Laker, and this should ensure that that happens.  To play 20 years in the NBA, and to do so with the same team, is unprecedented, and quite an accomplishment.  Most importantly however, it assures us that one of the best players in the world will remain a Laker, bringing us excellent play and excitement for years to come.”

Better get the banner guy on the phone, he’s going to have some work in the next couple years. By the Lakers resigning Kobe to a contract extension that tells me he looks great coming back from that injury. They think he will be good for the next few years and I guarantee they have some back door (Kobe pun intended) deals set up where Melo or Bron Bron is headed to the city of Angels to bring home another ring or two. Kobe will be on the court in a fucking wheelchair before he retires with less rings than Jordan. And I really hope he has a stipulation in this contract where he gets another 20-something million dollar check at one time. Black Mamba just doin’ the Black Mamba.

If you saw this story happened in El Segundo and didn’t think of this song, never return to this blog again

-Jesse

Whitehaven Patriots

So I’m watching the Pats v. Broncos game trying to figure out why the Patriots look so god awful and then I see a glaring problem on their offense. A bright, pasty white Caucasian, glaring problem. Like nine ghost white guys on offense who have never seen even a picture of the sun type problem. Like how the fuck do you expect to be competitive in this league when your trotting out nine mayonnaise skinned cream puffs every time you’re trying to score? I don’t care if Tom Brady is your QB, you better be throwing at some talent or you’re fucked. A professional porn star fucker is only going to get you so far. Michaels and Collinsworth aren’t saying it but I will. Get some fucking black people on your team or get the fuck out of the way! This isn’t your dads Celtics from the 60’s anymore Boston, you can’t be good without athleticism and talent anymore.

Update: Tom Brady is a god and white people aren’t all that bad.