State Issues License Plate to a Bitchy WHO R8X

Definitely a WHO R8X

Charlene Sakoda, Odd News- A Missouri driver did not appreciate the message she saw on the state issued license plate that she recently received. KTVI Fox 2 News reported that Deb Levy’s new plate read “WH0 R8X” something she was offended by and felt could be read as, “whore eight times.” It’s a message, placed below the state’s nickname the “Show Me State,” that is insulting to Deb.
In KTVI’s report the upset driver said, “I’m driving around with that plate and people go, ‘Oh there’s a [bleep]. There’s a [bleep].’” She added, “Who wants to drive around with that word on the back of your car? Would you?” Deb’s teen daughter Abigail agrees with her mother saying, “Yeah it’s probably not a good idea to drive it.”
So the Missouri mom has decided to keep the expired license plate on her car’s bumper and carry the current plate inside the car just in case a police officer stops her. Deb filed a complaint with the state and asked for a replacement but was told that she would have to pay a fee of $17. While the cost is seemingly small the Missouri driver said, “It is not about the money, but when I showed it to them they said it just said, ‘Who.’…Can you spell?” Still, some commenters on the station’s story wrote that they see no problem with the plate and also read it as, “Who R8X.”

This dumb uppity bitch can’t possibly be serious can she? I read this plate 30 times before I gave up and read the story. I was sitting on my couch saying “R-8-X” aloud trying to hear what the fucking problem was. Couldn’t get it. Maybe I’m the retard. Or…Or maybe this bitch is secretly wishing someone thought she was a whore. This plate is her fantasy and now that God has dropped her calling card on her lap she suddenly has a conscious and can’t deal with all of her dreams coming true. Suddenly she’s concerned about what her family thinks. I’m not buying it sugar tits. If you look at that plate and see “Whore 8 times” in the first 1,000 times you read it, then you are a whore, no less than 8 times. Let me give you a real sob story: My grandma’s plate reads ANL and some numbers. ANL. That is unmistakable. I don’t care what the numbers are, after the first part reads ANL, you’re definitely getting honked at and propositioned at red lights. I know, because I was sitting in the car when it happened. It’s not comfortable.
-Ken

Fantasy Football Loser Avoids Suicide for One More Week

About Sums It All Up

So all 4 of my fantasy teams won this week. What are the odds of that happening you ask? Exactly 1.7%. How do I know? Because I said so that’s how. This kind of thing doesn’t happen. None of my teams are even remotely the same. Most weeks I have Brees fucking and helping me at the same time. I had a scenario this year where I needed Manning to throw 3 TDs to win one league, but no more than 2 to D. Thomas or that was a loss in another. But if Welker got 80 yards that was a win for 2 leagues unless he got a TD. Oh and at the same time in another other league I needed Manning to break both of his legs and die on the field before kickoff or I was fucked…..unless he only handed off to Moreno 87 times. Needless to say my best week up until this point has been 2-2. Going 4-0 in different leagues with different teams means I am a cool person and not at all a loser for having 4 teams right? Right? Hello?

And on a “I hate my life as a Browns fan” type side note, the Browns have signed a Division III QB who is mostly known for throwing footballs into moving vehicles and over scoreboards. Not for winning football games, grasping offenses, or reading defenses. Good job management. Good job. Now you see why I’m so excited about winning some stupid fantasy games.

I can just imagine so many of those beautifully placed passes bouncing out of Little’s hands on 3rd down right now.
-Ken

Bynum for 3?…..Fuck

“Oh, So You Want Me to Shoot 3’s Now, Huh?”

Cleveland Plain Dealer-“It’s the first time he’s gotten close to showing everybody the full package of what he can do,” Cavaliers coach Mike Brown said. “He’s a guy who can post up, shoot right hand, left hand jump hooks. He can shoot a turnaround jump shot, he can shoot a jump shot. He’s a very capable 3-point shooter. That’s probably the only thing he didn’t show offensively. But just to show some of his versatility on the offensive end, we were able to see some of it throughout the course of the game.”-Mike Brown

So the hilarity equivalent of Brown benching Bynum 5 seconds after horribly missing a 3 pointer is Brown being fired 5 games into the season for horribly coaching the Lakers. And now Cleveland has to deal with both of them. And to make it worse, it’s the second time around that we are forced to watch a completely inept Mike Brown offense. If you couldn’t get it done with the best player in the fucking league, then what makes you think this time is going to go any better? But this is what it’s coming to in Cleveland. Bynum chucking up 3’s while Kyrie probably doesn’t even touch the ball. I don’t care if Brown was even kidding about Bynum being “a very capable 3-point shooter.” (It doesn’t even feel right typing it.) He has no room to joke about anything offensive on this team. Oh, and by the way Brown, you defensive fucking genius you, your team is giving up 102 points a game!
I know it’s only 15 or 900 games into the season, whichever it doesn’t matter; I’m already tired of Kyrie being handcuffed by Brown, Bennett being the WORST bust in NBA history. (Yes even worse than Len Bias because he was at least good at snorting a whole bunch of cocaine. Bennett has a sweet tooth and makes Big Baby look fit.) I’m tired of being petrified that every step down the court will be Bynum’s last until his knees explode and he never walks again. I’m tired of Andy shooting a fucking basketball with sideways spin and still having the highest FG% on the team. And mostly, I’m tired of Chris Grant blowing every top 5 pick like it doesn’t matter because he’ll have another one next year. He could have constructed the NBA’s version of the Globetrotters by now with all of the talent he’s missed on. It takes a special kind of incompetence to be that bad. Damian Lillard would look better on this team, even Ricky Rubio. Cody Zeller is better than Tyler for Christ sake! Bennett misses less than Grant! I’ll take an entire team of guards I don’t fucking care. Since every player settles for jump shots anyway! And especially now that we’re talking about Bynum shooting 3’s! Fuck me!!!

There’s no way the Cavs beat the Heat at home Wednesday night on national TV. NO WAY!! Heat win by 35 and it’s not even that close.

-Ken

Fuck Will Muschamp

 I was going to post an article about the game and about the Gators and blah blah blah. But fuck Muschamp. Georgia Southern beat the Florida Gators. I am a pretty big sports fan, college football included, and the most I know about Georgia Southern is they are apparently located in the southern portion of the state of Georgia. They have no business being even close in a game against a billion dollar sports team. Sure that last part could be inflated but come on, who cares, Fuck this guy and the horse he rode in on from Texas. The only thing Muschamp is good for is a really good angry face.

And Jeremy Foley saying he is 1000% behind Muschamp, well fuck you too (Al Pacino Scent of a Woman voice).

-Jesse

Raider Nation: the Good & the Bad from Sunday

FOXSports- Police praised a football fan for saving the life of a woman who jumped from the third-level deck of the Oakland Raider’s home stadium by breaking her fall. The woman, who was not identified, was critically injured Sunday after plunging about 45 feet at O. co Coliseum. She jumped shortly after the Raiders’ 23-19 loss to the Tennessee Titans and as fans were filing out of the stadium. A good Samaritan who tried to break her fall was injured in the process, stadium officials said in a statement. ”He saved her life quite honestly, at his own expense,” Alameda County Sheriff’s Sgt. J.D. Nelson told the Oakland Tribune. ”This guy 100 percent saved her life. She’d be dead now.” Nelson said the woman went to a seating area that was covered by a tarp and appeared to be alone when she jumped. The man who was on the concourse level saw her and repeatedly shouted, ”don’t do it,” Nelson said. Nelson told KTVU-TV he lunged toward the woman as she dropped. He was knocked down and was taken to a hospital with serious injuries. The man’s name was not released. Nelson told the TV station he was a former Marine from Stockton and Raiders season ticket holder.

There are a few different things happening in my head as I read this story. First thing is I’m glad the lady and the guy will eventually be alright. Secondly how bad ass is this guy. Former marine so he’s served our country. Raiders season ticket holder so clearly a glutton for punishment. But he’s just there chilling out, hoping Janikowski doesn’t shank another easy chip shot field goal, and he looks up to see some crazy lady trying to kill herself. He instantly kicks back into marine mode and risks his own life to save this woman’s life. When he heals that is free shots and beejers in every bar in the Oakland area. Hell of a human being and Raider fan right there. Kinda makes you forget that the fans around him probably looted his pockets as he lay on the ground knocked out from saving the woman’s life, because most Raider fans are pieces of shit. We just won’t add that to the story.

But the Raiders once again let an easy one get by. I know they are missing a lot of players and are using an undrafted rookie QB but they could have taken this one without any problems. On offense they were ok, could have been a lot better. I liked that they used Marcel Reece a little more but I am one of many who thinks he should touch the ball many, many more times than he currently does. Far too great of a physical mismatch to not be in the games more. McGloin looked good and I can’t wait until Thursday when they will have McFadden, Jennings, and Pryor to add to the mix on offense. Yea I see what I just wrote. It sounds stupid but with those players you can add a few packages where you have no clue who will have the ball in their hands and confuse the fuck out of the Cowboys. The run D looked as good as it always does (which actually is really good) but their pass D was once again sickening. Blown plays everywhere and it didn’t help that Mike Jenkins got hurt.

Three loses by 4 points is a really hard pill to swallow as a fan. Score just one more touchdown in those games and the AFC West has three of the AFC playoff spots locked up and people are calling Reggie McKenzie a genius. With those loses and we are just the Raiders in the bottom of the AFC West as per usual.

-Jesse

Kobe Reups with Lakers

NBA.com EL SEGUNDO – The Los Angeles Lakers have signed Kobe Bryant to a two-year contract extension, it was announced today by General Manager Mitch Kupchak. Per team policy, terms of the contract were not released. “This is a very happy day for Lakers fans and for the Lakers organization,” said Kupchak.  “We’ve said all along that our priority and hope was to have Kobe finish his career as a Laker, and this should ensure that that happens.  To play 20 years in the NBA, and to do so with the same team, is unprecedented, and quite an accomplishment.  Most importantly however, it assures us that one of the best players in the world will remain a Laker, bringing us excellent play and excitement for years to come.”

Better get the banner guy on the phone, he’s going to have some work in the next couple years. By the Lakers resigning Kobe to a contract extension that tells me he looks great coming back from that injury. They think he will be good for the next few years and I guarantee they have some back door (Kobe pun intended) deals set up where Melo or Bron Bron is headed to the city of Angels to bring home another ring or two. Kobe will be on the court in a fucking wheelchair before he retires with less rings than Jordan. And I really hope he has a stipulation in this contract where he gets another 20-something million dollar check at one time. Black Mamba just doin’ the Black Mamba.

If you saw this story happened in El Segundo and didn’t think of this song, never return to this blog again

-Jesse

Patriots Problem Solved. You’re Welcome.

Whitehaven Patriots

So I’m watching the Pats v. Broncos game trying to figure out why the Patriots look so god awful and then I see a glaring problem on their offense. A bright, pasty white Caucasian, glaring problem. Like nine ghost white guys on offense who have never seen even a picture of the sun type problem. Like how the fuck do you expect to be competitive in this league when your trotting out nine mayonnaise skinned cream puffs every time you’re trying to score? I don’t care if Tom Brady is your QB, you better be throwing at some talent or you’re fucked. A professional porn star fucker is only going to get you so far. Michaels and Collinsworth aren’t saying it but I will. Get some fucking black people on your team or get the fuck out of the way! This isn’t your dads Celtics from the 60’s anymore Boston, you can’t be good without athleticism and talent anymore.

Update: Tom Brady is a god and white people aren’t all that bad.

Cookies

So I was just asked a very strange question. I am at work and we have cookies here for our clients. Naturally I eat about 7-32 a day. That may sound like a lot to you, but I have a sweet tooth the size of Texas so fuck off. So I have a plate of 4 cookies and they are just your run of the mill, supermarket brand so they are a little crunky. I, being a civilized person, decided to put them in the microwave and a lady here asked what I was doing as if I just put her child in the oven. She was just flabbergasted by the thought that I would heat up my cookies so they are soft and gooey. Is this strange? I know not everyone is on my “put ketchup on eggs” train but I can’t be the only person who heats up cookies before eating them. Personally if you like your non chip food crunchy, you are a terrorist and should be waterboarded (i.e. bacon, cookies, pizza)

 

Jesse

Stupid Asshole Kids Haven’t Killed Dead Father’s Cat Yet

Come Get Your Money Bitches! You Know Where I Be…

Yahoo News- Two cats are each enjoying their nine lives in the lap of luxury, thanks to their deceased owner, who left his entire estate to his fluffy friends.
Leon Sheppard Sr., a retired businessman and Memphis, Tennessee, native who died in 2012, has five children, 12 grandchildren, and six great-grandchildren. However, in his will, he left his $250,000 fortune and 4,270-square-foot home in a gated community to his two cats, Frisco and Jake.
According to Memphis station WMC-TV, the cats are to live in the Sheppard home in a way that maintains their standard of living, and the $250,000 will be used for their care as well as the maintenance of the house. After Frisco dies (his age isn’t known, but according to WMC-TV, he’s “old”), the remainder of the money will be divided among Sheppard’s relatives, with the understanding that Jake will be cared for.

It’s unclear how Sheppard’s family feels about the will; however, the local news reporter noted that they do not wish to comment.

The other night I was driving to a restaurant with a friend and a cat basically ran into the road and directly under my tire. The definition of suicide. You could see it in his eyes. He wanted out. No other option available. But I wasn’t expecting this and to be honest, it caught me a little off guard. My initial reaction was that I felt bad for the cat’s family. It was someone’s pet. Tough break for the owner. But within 2 minutes my friend and I were both regaling each other with wonderful and hilarious tales of how we accidentally killed animals through our lives. The fact that the conversation easily lasted the full half hour it took to get to the restaurant is a bit alarming but we were meeting our wives and any pet murdering stories probably wouldn’t have gone over too well during dinner. Luckily we were able to finish the conversation the next day on the golf course. The whole experience became therapeutic. A giant weight has been lifted from my conscience and I feel as though I can get back to what is important in life. Killing pets.
So this is an open letter to the surviving family members of Leon Sheppard. I will end this nightmare for you. I have the experience you need to get what is rightfully yours. Money that you never earned. Look, I don’t have a job. I don’t generate any income to my family. But if all I had to do to start getting a few checks here and there was kill two stupid cats….cats that I know exactly where they fucking live because it should be MY house!…cats that received more love from my father than I did?? You better know I would have been swinging their dead bodies out the front window by their tail before my insane father’s hate filled body had time to get cold. And the fact that none of you have shot or poisoned either of these cats yet is further proof that you are too lazy to do anything to make a buck and you don’t deserve a goddamn thing! Get over to that house and kill those stupid freeloading cats you dumb motherfuckers!!

-Ken

Mr. Bean’s Daughter

Lily Meet Jesse, your newest stalker

So I have basically zero reason to post this other than the fact that I somehow stumbled upon this picture and the rest is self explanatory. I have seen many a child of someone famous (who is ugly) end up good looking because the mother is hot and happened to bang someone famous. But I think Lily here takes the cake. How in the fuck did Mr. Bean trip and fall and create this glorious creature, the world may never know and I certainly don’t care. It happened. And in full creep status I had to check multiple websites and even use the calculator on the computer to double check my math on her age. Born in 1995. 2013-1995 equals 18. Thank you sweet baby Jesus

Jesse