Brian Williams Rapping ‘Gin and Juice’ on Jimmy Fallon

This move is so Jimmy Fallon that it’s not that newsworthy, other than the fact that Brian Williams is my favorite rapper of all time.

Also thank you for this Brian

-Jesse

25 Highest Paid Athletes in the World

I love this list because it always makes me laugh. GMs and Executives always think they are so fucking smart signing someone who has a big year or two to a decade long contract where the biggest pay days are WELL past their primes. Let’s break down some of the more interesting people on the list.
Floyd has basically dominated the list every year since Tiger got divorced.
Crisitano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi being 2nd and 3rd makes since because people who have never watched soccer know how good they are. Simple as that, worldwide stars.
Aaron Rodgers being the highest paid football player may not seem right to some people but I don’t mind it. 40 million for last year is a little nuts for on the field performance but he is the face of the NFL. He is the future and he will be a/the top QB for years to come.
Matt Stafford, Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco being in the top 10 is fucking great. These are the guys who cashed in on a few good years (only Flacco has anything to show for it) and are now banging the buttholes of their teams cap limits. Good job boys.
The Phillies have 3 guys in the top 25 and they are in last place. I honestly don’t think Ryan Howard and Cliff Lee even play baseball anymore and I refuse to look it up for the correct information. There are 6 guys above anyone on the Yankees at all so all those “you buy your players” people can suck a dick under a bridge. (Thank God A-Rod is suspended and doesn’t count)
Gilbert Arenas. He may not be in the top 25 total but he is the 3rd highest paid NBA player and WASN’T IN THE LEAGUE. There is always someone like that and this time it’s Gilbert. Play on playa.

-Jesse

Damian Lillard Offends Everyone by Wearing Adidas

Ok maybe he doesn’t offend people by wearing Adidas, but 100 mil for a sponsorship for a guy 99% of people don’t know is pretty insulting. I’m sure he is good at putting the ball into the hoop but who the fuck is he? 100 mil could keep most countries running for a year yet this youngster gets that for wearing a sneaker?! (That was my old man impression. Figure I need one since I am turning 27 this year). Funny ass commercial though.
Few things to look for
$100 to the first person who can tell me how old either LT or Barry Sanders is without looking it up. And who is older?

Chris Webber looks scary as shit.

Karl Malone looks even scarier and is in better shape than 90% of guys playing today

-jesse

Ryan Malone Arrested On DUI And Cocaine Possession: So Can We Get Rid Of Him NOW?

WANTED: Ryan “Bugsy” Malone

CBS Sports-Tampa Bay Lightning left winger Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning under suspicion of cocaine possesion and driving under the influence at 3:23 a.m. in Tampa, Fla. at Platt and Rome Streets.

Malone’s BAC was .112 and .116 according to his booking information, which is over the legal limit in Florida of .08.

Malone was booked at 5:40 a.m. and is being held on $2,500 bond.

“We are aware of the situation concerning Ryan Malone this morning,” Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman said in a statement. “Ryan will not travel with the team to Washington today, but beyond that we cannot comment further at this time.”

Malone is still in custody at the Hillsborough County Jail as of 8:19 a.m. according to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Department website.

According to WFLA-TV, a Tampa police officer saw Malone hit a curb while driving and pulled the Lightning forward over. The officer then found cocaine in his pants pocket.

Malone was a scratch in the Lightning’s 3-2 win vs. Columbus on Friday night at home and hasn’t played since April 5. He has five goals and has 10 assists in 57 games with the Lightning this season.

Malone has played 10 seasons in the NHL, including four years with his hometown Pittsburgh Penguins and the last six with the Lightning. He was part of the U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey Team at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

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I can’t remember the last time Malone didn’t do something that made me want to cross check myself into a light pole and this is just another reason to dump him. He has a year left on his contract and it feels like he’s been riding it out for the last two.

And how much of a fuck does he not give to just have a bag of cocaine in his pocket while driving drunk around Tampa at 3:30 in the morning? Gotta stash that shit…..I don’t know…..SOMEWHERE? Anywhere? Other than having it buckled up in his kids car seat I can’t think of a worse place to “hide” it.

-Ken

And no I would not recommend that he “jock” it because hockey players are disgustingly dirty and I guarantee his nuts look like a moldy loaf of bread.

Mason Plumlee LeBron’s LeBron to Win a Game

Suck of that belt Bronny

ESPN- A debated block at the buzzer. A season sweep of the NBA champions. Hello, Brooklyn — the only NBA team this season to go unbeaten against the Miami Heat. Mason Plumlee denied LeBron James’ dunk attempt at the rim with 2 seconds left, and the Nets finished off a four-game sweep of Miami by beating the Heat 88-87 on Tuesday night.

I’m not someone who hates LeBron for being LeBron. I can’t do it. He is too good and has been so good for over a decade that if you hate him you are doing it to be a prick. You probably also don’t own a TV and tell people at least 4 times an hour that you don’t even miss it. Fuck you. On the court he is a God, off of it LeBron is a complete utter douche. So I really relish in the fact that some goofy ass white guy pulled a Bron Bron and blocked the shit out of King James. I could watch this clip all day long and never get sick of it, just like the one where Bronny flops like 10 times in under a minute. I have no clue if this win/loss does anything for the rankings but I hope it does somehow.

PS I love the jerseys with nicknames, it spices it up. And I love that Plums is on Mason’s jersey.

FUCK YOU!

US Soccer Team’s 2014 Away Jerseys Sponsored By Bomb Pops

Nike- The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team will compete in Brasil this year in a bold and deeply patriotic new away kit. The new away jersey has a modern crew-neck collar and consists of three bands representing the colors of the American flag. The base color of the jersey and the cuff of the sleeves feature a prominent red. The upper torso and top sleeves include a bold blue tone, and a white chest band extends over the middle of both sleeves.

Well I guess one way to get American’s to give a shit about soccer is to make the jerseys identical to a favorite treat from our collective childhood’s. I personally am not a huge fan of these simply because it doesn’t strike feel into the heart of the opponent. I want there to be a very realistic, very large graphic of an Eagle killing a lion or something to that affect. Make them FEAR the US before we get knocked out in the first round!

PS What’s the deal with calling it a kit? It’s a fucking uniform, straighten up Nike.
-Jesse

Dennis Rodman Plays Dressed as a Woman, No One Notices

He goes to North Korea and the internet explodes. Plays a game dressed like a woman and not a person notices. That’s just the way the Worm has acted for years so we are all conditioned to Drag Queen Dennis. Political Afficiando Dennis however makes me frightened for the world and our future.

-Jesse

Find Out Your First Tweet and Immediately Hate Yourself

https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet

That’s the link that Twitter is providing, for it’s 8th birthday, so you can find out what your first tweet was. Of course you can find out what everyone’s first tweet was so that is what makes it more fun. Most people’s are “Hi Twitter” or “Still trying to figure this out” but mine could’ve easily been from last year or last week.

https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet#JesseCornwell

Just hungover and packing to head to the Big Apple. Pretty standard on the hungover part and excited to be heading to New York.

Here are a couple other people I follow on Twitter that had some good first tweets
Mike “Cowhead” Calta from The Cowhead Show on 102.5 The Bone (Tampa radio)
https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet#MrCowhead

Billy Madison from The Billy Madison Show (San Antonio based radio show)
https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet#BMS_Billy

Big Cat from Barstool Sports
https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet#BarstoolBigCat

Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys
https://discover.twitter.com/first-tweet#adrock

Happy Birthday Twitter! Thanks for giving me immediate access to radio guys, porn stars, sports information and what shoes Ad Rock wants to buy.
-Jesse

Lindsay Lohan Sex List With More Names Surfaces

In Touch recently re-released the Lindsay Lohan sex list that everyone saw before, this time with more names. I’ve always thought she was disgusting even way back in the day but I understand some people like her and she’s famous so I’m not surprised by this list. But I do want to know who the other blacked out names are. That is what’s killing me here. Not that the likes of Phillipe, Timberlake, and Efron are present. Those guys probably banged her out like I used to take down fatties that were a 1 on the richter scale. I mean if Ashton Kutcher is one, who the fuck is two?! That’s definitely someone big because she thought of them second. And check out the bros at 11 and 12, I bet my life that was a threeway. Hollywood sluts!

-Jesse

Between Two Ferns: Obama Edition

Listen up you political fucks, get over it for a few minutes. I don’t care if you like him, hate him, or voted for him yet don’t want to admit it now because people say he’s fucking up. Newsflash, no matter who the President would be this country needs a lot of fixing, one guy can’t do it. But you know what Obama can do? Be funny in a great Funny Or Die video with Zach Galifianakis.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/18e820ec3f/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-president-barack-obama