Nabokov Still Trying to Stop This Puck

Great win for the Lightning last night against the Islanders. Nabokov was working a 2-0 shut out for the first 57 minutes and I was getting so pissed I started watching horrific hockey injuries on You Tube. I don’t know why my brain goes there but when I get really mad I have to see people get hurt, badly. So there I was watching Richard Zednick getting his head cut off for the billionth time and then out of nowhere Filppula scores 2 goals, the 2nd with 4 seconds left while I’m standing a foot away from the TV nervously rocking back ‘n forth like 4 year old watching cartoons. Now I’m freaking out! No way we lose in overtime! All the momentum in the world on the Lightning side right? Well, after the first 2 minutes when the Lightning were holding the puck in the Islanders zone and couldn’t even get a shot off, the rage started to build again and I found myself back on You Tube looking for the video of Darryl Sydor crawling across the ice after getting his knee blown out just in case he could block a shot during the playoffs. It’s like the undying determination of the Terminator still trying to kill Sarah Conner with only one arm and no legs. It warms the heart and makes you want to hug your child. But I quickly snapped out of it because OT lasts about 4 seconds and Bishop is the MAN in shootouts. As it turns out, Kucherov is the man because he slipped a goal by Nabokov that faked him out 3 times before he ever saw it. But he finally found the puck while he was sitting in the net on his ass. The comeback now complete, the Islanders humiliated and losers like normal and everything in the world is right again. So now back to You Tube to watch Willis McGahee break his leg in half and kick himself in the side of the head. Yes, happiness and anger both make me want to see people get hurt. I know it’s a problem, leave me alone.

-Ken

For your Happy/Angry viewing pleasure:

Ford Field Designed By Assholes

Who’s the dickhead that decided to add in the 700 stairs that the home team Lions players have to climb to get to their locker room? He has to be a Bears fan right? Like, it’s not bad enough to lose at home on Monday night on a gut wrenching ½ mile field goal, but now you have to climb Everest in full pads just to take a shower. Linemen getting oxygen half way up, Schwartz probably fist fighting assistant coaches on the top step. And Megatron forced to climb his own steps? What the hell is he paying Diddy for?

-Ken

McCann Press Conference

As Live as I can make it..

Really awkward intros of the people on the dias, especially since they were naming amazing Yankee catchers and it’s clear Girardi wasn’t going to be named except he’s the fucking manager. Everyone keeps making “insider” comments about being a catcher i.e. ‘sitting behind the dish’ ‘building up the middle’ ‘squatting with balls in the dirt’ (I may have made one up)

Brian Cashman talks a little then gives McCann’s wife some flowers and onsies..pretty much a power move telling McCann he hit that. The hug/kiss was a little too comfy

Girardi looks hungover

McCann will wear #34, I don’t know why but I’ve always liked that number, probably because of Bo Jackson

McCann appears to have no hair on his entire head, looking into whether he has some form of cancer or not..

No cancer, thanks google

Always nice to see a good, hardworking white guy get signed and then actually appear to be happy to be on a new team. He will do well here and he knows it. Long line of Yankee greats were catchers, not saying he will be one, but after losing out on Russell Martin to Pittsburg we need someone solid behind the “dish”

McCann “I’m a huge fan of Derek Jeter”.. that’s right, kiss the ring new guy

This is getting boring, same questions over and over. Hopefully the Ellsbury one will be better since the Sox just won a ring. Later faggots

(Second) Spiderman 2 Trailer Looks Sick

I really liked the first two Spiderman movies with Tobey (especially after seeing Brothers, he was a lot more tough then), but the third one was horseshit. Emo Spiderman combined with Eric from That 70’s Show, total crap. The newest of the Spiderman movies was pretty good, I like the actor playing him. He has the right amount of dork but can still do physical activities and get puss, but this one looks fucking awesome. Paul Giamatti and Jamie Foxx are bad guys and that creepy ass kid from The Place Beyond the Pines (which was phenomenal b-t-dubs) is going to be the new Harry Osbourne. Those all seem like a great recipe for Marvel success. Book it that this movie tops 500 mil. I will find a place online to make that bet too. And I think it’s pretty obvious, if you want to make a billion dollars, either put out a video game with a lot of hype or make a comic book movie. Or be James Cameron. Fuckin Canadian.

One complaint though about these Spiderman movies, can they find hotter chicks? Kirsten Dunst and Emma Stone are like 5s. Emma maybe higher because she is legit funny and women aren’t, but come on. Fantastic 4 gets Jessica Alba and Spiderman gets average chicks? Step it up guys. Plenty of hot chicks out there.

-Jesse

Fast Food Workers On Strike?

MSN Money- Fast-food workers and labor organizers are marching, waving signs and chanting in cities across the country Thursday amid a push for higher wages. Organizers say walkouts are planned in 100 cities, with rallies set for another 100 cities. But it’s not clear what the actual turnout will be, how many of the participants are workers and what impact they’ll have on restaurant operations. The actions would mark the largest showing yet in a push that began a year ago. At a time when there’s growing national and international attention on economic disparities, labor unions, worker advocacy groups and Democrats are hoping to build public support to raise the federal minimum wage of $7.25, or about $15,000 a year for full-time work. Protesters are calling for pay of $15 an hour, but the figure is seen more as a rallying point than a near-term possibility.

$15 an hour to work at Mickey D’s? Eat a fucking dick. If they are going to pay toothless Randy with tattoos on his face $15, then those burgers that I am eating solely because I am shitfaced, better not have any mayo on them. No straw in the bag and I feel I have the right to come inside and murder you with one of those sporks. I honestly think that they should be paid a little more because they would probably give more of a shit about their job but doubling the pay is just insane. No other job in the world can just picket in front of their location and demand that kind of raise. Are people really picketing in Detroit? Are you fucking kidding me? You should be lucky to be alive in that city, so if you have a job making 7-8 bucks an hour you are probably living like a god damn king. The big wigs at these companies should just realize this is all just like gas. If you want to pay the workers more money and raise the price of the burgers by 50 cents or a dollar no one is really going to stop coming to your business. They will be mad until they stuff those fake chicken nuggets down their gullet then wash away the sadness with a 50 gallon Diet Coke.

-Jesse

Peyton Manning Still Aware of the Little People

His RSVP was returned promptly along with a bill for $15.

Huffington Post-Just because Peyton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time doesn’t mean he’s forgotten about the regular folk — for instance, when a bride-to-be sent him a random wedding invitation, he actually took the time to reply.
Reddit user LackadaisicalRomp posted a picture of Manning’s RSVP Monday, with the caption, “My sister sent a wedding invitation to Peyton Manning.”

Clearly an autograph grab and Peyton knew it. But being a gentleman he only half called them out. They get the autograph but he uses the standard blue magic marker, like he was signing a football or mini helmet. As a matter of fact I’m sure the desk in his house has nothing on it but a Papa John’s box full of blue magic markers. Would be great if the bride was actually his cousin and he didn’t realize it. Either way he has their address so hopefully they registered somewhere nice. He’s got to be good for a DVD player at least.

-Ken

Spiraling Hot Dogs Becomes New Way to Completely Waste Time

….Then soak hot dog in milk and chill for 8 hours.
Gimmie a break! Don’t know body have time for this shit! By the time I’m cooking a hot dog or even drunkenly figuring out I’m hungry, the last thing I’m going to do is take my time to spruce it up. It’s the quick fix food. Something to give your liver a quick breather and you can eat it in the time that you’re pouring your next Crown n’ Coke. A hotdog is something you eat in 4 seconds without even looking at it and you’re praying that no one is watching you eat it either. It’s next to impossible to scarf one down in a room with more than 3 guys without hearing something about your ‘technique.’ “Remember to cup the bun!”
So while I appreciate the idea of spiraling AND grilling a hotdog, it has far too many steps for me to become a reality. If I ever show up at a BBQ where they’re spiraling hotdogs and stuffing burgers with cheese or even pouring beer into a glass I can’t say that I won’t try all of these fancy delicacies, or even enjoy them. But all of these extra steps just take valuable time away from the true goal. Having the beer or food already in your body so you don’t have to hold it anymore thus freeing up your hands to check fantasy scores and fondle your nuts. And I really hope I’m not dropping some kind of bombshell here but, you do know that you don’t have to cook a hot dog at all right?! Like, they’re basically bologna in tube form. Hot dogs were an afterschool snack of choice as a kid because I could have one from the fridge to my stomach and be sitting in front of Duck Tales with my hands on my nuts in less than one minute from walking in the door.
-Ken

Ellsbury to the Evil Empire

Official Team Photo

USA Today- The Yankees reached a tentative agreement Tuesday night with prized free agent center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury on a seven-year contract for $153 million, a person with direct knowledge of the negotiations told USA TODAY Sports. The person was unauthorized to speak publicly because the deal had not been announced by the Yankees.

As a Yankee fan, I love this deal for many reasons. First of all I have hated Jacoby for years because of what he was able to do on the field and on the baseline. Will he knock 30 homers like Grandy, of course not. But the motherfucker is fast. Add that to the other outfielders, Brett Gardner (the other fastest white guy in baseball) and Ichiro (who even at like 60 is faster than most people), and you will be hard pressed to hit a fly ball and have it hit the ground against the Yanks. That kind of confidence will do wonders for the rest of the guys in the infield knowing they have a hell of an outfield backing them up. Secondly the guy can get on base. Like I said before he won’t hit a ton out of the park (even though that right porch will look amazing) he can get on base and that’s where he is most dangerous. With a healthy Jeter, and those guys in the outfield, we will have a lot of speed and extra bases available to us so we no longer have to rely on the big bats we don’t have anymore. Although they are spending a lot more than they said they would (hopefully now on pitching), they are at least doing it on things they need- guys who can get on base and make the most of their time there, strong defense, and depth. I think the McCann signing and now Kelly Johnson from the Rays will prove to be very good for the team in the future. And if Robbie Cano decides that he will take less money but accumulate more wins as a Yankee than a fucking Mariner, it will be Ring City in the Bronx. Come and get it.

As a side note, it really does help that Jacoby is really good looking. I don’t know or care if he is married, seeing all that New York pussy getting soaking wet every time they see you will go a looooong way to helping with your confidence. Gotta be better than those toothless Southie bitches yelling “Fuck me wicked haaahhhd Jacoby, wicked haahhdd

-Jesse

Kellan Lutz vs. The Rock

This has happened many times in Hollywood. Two companies are putting out the same story in slightly different ways around the same time. In this case it’s Hercules. I, like many other guys, love these movies where there is a shit ton of fighting with swords, gore, and sexy naked gu..I mean ladies. But how in the fuck did Kellan Lutz’s manager (or cousin from 30 Rock)
convince him this was a good idea? I have a feeling the conversation went like this.. Manager-Well Kellan they want you to be Hercules. You’re in really good shape, handsome, and we think this will be financially agreeable for both of us. KL- Why thank you. Please tell me more. MS- Judging from the trailer I just watched, we will basically film from the set of the Starz tv show Spartacus but with worse graphics, we are going to blatantly copy scenes from Immortals (which you were already in) with the electric whip thingy, you will use the voice from 300 when talking to your men with the same helmet on that Leonidis had, and we are going to have some undeserving noble guy who looks like Joaquin Phoenix without the lip thing, play his part from Gladiator and treat you the same way he treated Russell Crowe… KL- Well that sounds like everything has been cut and pasted from other successful movies and you’re just adding me into it…Manager- Since there is another version with the fucking ROCK coming out shortly after yours, we need to get this made asap. You in?…KL- Fuck it, I have to erase the Twilight memories from people’s heads somehow…

The guy is shredded, but nowhere near the Rock

I don’t care who you are, if someone that looks like THIS is going to play the same role as you even within the same decade, you turn it the fuck down.

-Jesse

My Weekend: The Ups and Downs

This whole weekend was like a rollercoaster of emotion. Start with Thanksgiving. I take my family and we go have dinner with my dad and my aunt, uncle, cousins, random people that I haven’t seen in like 15 years. Great time, great food, lots of beer and poker where I steal their money right in front of their eyes (with good cards, not like a felon). The Raiders start off against the Cowboys hot, on fire, can’t be stopped. Go to halftime with a slight lead (I think), and high hopes for the second half right? Fuck you. They forget to tackle, get first downs, or score points. Something happened in that locker room at halftime that ruined them for the second half. Either way I think it officially took them out of playoff contention with the loss. So basically that means I just get to enjoy the rest of the season feverishly grading every player for next year and watching the mock drafts and FAs they could possibly buy with 70 mil in cap space and no Al Davis…

Thankfully this guy has no control over the team

Skip ahead to Sunday, we have some friends over to watch football, drink more beer, have a great time (not for Ken, the Browns lost to the Jags). I then check fantasy and I am kinda hanging in there fighting it out for the #1 seed in our league. I’m losing but it’s fine, I’ve put in the best players possible right? Fuck you. Alshon Jeffery is on the bench collecting touchdowns and yards like they are baby mamas and child support payments. Naturally I just keep up the drinking to hope that will help me win. It works because Peyton Manning throws a bunch of TDs to give me a ton of points and now I am tied with Beast Mode Lynch waiting to play tonight. I will win and take the #1 seed. To add to my happiness I am going to NYC to see the Jets play the Raiders and guess what, Geno Smith is replaced by one of the Simms clan (not racist)

Matt Simms or possibly Aaron Carter

and that gives the Raiders a better chance of winning when I am there (Every game I have seen live they lose so I’m like 0-6). I plan on being hammered and it’s going to be fucking freezing so I will be all hopped up so if you check out WorldStar after the game you may see me fighting a ninja or two. So that is my weekend’s roller coaster of emotion. Happy to sad to happy to sad to happy in NYC.

-Jesse