Michael Sam Sacks Johnny Manziel; Is Johnny Now Infected With The Gay?!

Once an infected gay has wrestled you to the ground, it’s likely the virus has already been spread. Drinking Lysol has not shown to slow the process despite initial reports that such an action could possibly cure a carrier of the disease.

 

The prognosis is not good for Johnny Football. First he can’t beat out a cripple for the starting QB job and now he might be infected with a career threatening and potentially “fabulous” disease. Michael Sam is full blown gay balls and it’s already threatening his chances to make an NFL roster. Johnny’s football career is already a hot mess and any more distractions will only make his path to becoming a starting QB more unlikely.

Per league sources: Johnny was seen pooping rainbows in the locker room after the Saturday night preseason game vs. the Rams. Coach Pettine declined comment as to whether or not he believed Johnny was already showing signs of infection. Manziel’s agent also declined comment but mentioned that his client was scheduled to test drive a Prius on Sunday.

The hits just keep coming for the Browns.

 

-Ken

Butt-hurt Le Batard Finally Snaps

Le Batard’s pathetic sign he actually paid money for…..

 

It’s been very hard to locate an actual Miami Heat fan in the weeks since LeBron has decided to come back to Cleveland. I live close to the nest here in Florida and until 3 weeks ago I couldn’t walk 10 feet without seeing a Heat jersey and don’t give me the bullshit excuse that the season is over and that’s why no one is wearing them. It’s the middle of the summer and perfect sleeveless weather. . And when you spend $130 on a shirt with no fucking sleeves, you can be DAMN sure it’s getting worn 5 times a week.  Even the fans that I’ve cornered into a conversation about the current state of the Heat can’t tell me anything other than they don’t care LeBron left and he owes them a big ol’ thank you for some reason that still has not been explained to me in any real coherent fashion. What the hell does LeBron owe them a thank you for?! HE was the one who brought THEM 2 more titles! Am I just getting roped in here? I mean it makes no sense even if they were purely doing it to troll Cleveland fans as Le Batard has even stated himself referring to his billboards he posted in Akron.

I thought Cavs fans could have come off better after the decision in 2010, obviously burning your own clothes in anger on national TV is not a good look, but this billboard is so much more of a bitch move I can’t even comprehend it. The jersey was on fire less than 3 minutes after LeBron said he was leaving; it was a gut reaction, in the Miami Heat of the moment. Le Batard has had weeks to formulate some kind of witty gesture to really stick it to LeBron or Cavs fans in general I guess. But the best he came up with was a passive aggressive blurb that sounds like a junior high school girl wrote it on Facebook.

I guess what I should really be saying here is the most obvious point in all of this. And this is what Le Batard and all 15 of the other Heat fans need to understand: You don’t matter anymore. You’re not important. No one cared what happened in Miami before LeBron and no one cares now because it was never about you. It was never about the Heat. It’s always been about LeBron. So you need to keep your mouths shut (as most of you have) and keep your billboards in your own city and be happy with what just happened to you for the last 4 years and understand that no one owes you a single shred of gratitude or even a half hearted thanks.

I guess Le Batard accomplished his goal of getting at least one Cleveland fan riled up but as far as I’m concerned his gesture was the dying breath of a shitty fan base and he knows he wont be talking about anything meaningful for the rest of his career so he need one last shot. ESPN suspended him for 2 days but he probably wishes they ordered him to be executed instead of having to go back and talk about Wade’s broken knees and Bosh’s crippling max deal that is already butt fucking the Heat back into the stone age.

So moments like this have brought out a new breed of Cavs fans. Fans who know we’re better than you. Prove me wrong. You can’t. Get used to it because it’s totally going to suck for you for a long time.

 

-Ken