Archive for the ‘movies’ Category

Bradenton Herald

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So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking their lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

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Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

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Jesse

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This movie was a god damn disgrace. Yes, you heard that right. I am going out on a limb (not really) and saying I did not like the new movie. Were there aspects of it that I enjoyed, of course, it’s still a tale as old as time. But let’s get a couple things straight before a bunch of people say this is better than the original.

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First of all, Emma Watson is my girl. She’s might marry one, fuck one and I’ll kill you for ever saying anything bad about her, only I can do that. Her looks were top notch. Breathtaking. Her singing was something I will clearly have to overlook should I ever kidnap her and force her into a marriage. They easily could’ve picked some other pretty actress who can sing.

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Secondly, Gaston was like 5’10. Sure he looked kind of tall next to midget Olaf but come the fuck on, Gaston is supposed to be as big as an actual Beast and this guy could probably barely ride the Tea Cups at Disney without a booster seat.

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Lastly, and it’s kind of a two parter, Lumiere was awful and he fucked up Be Our Guest. A song I voted as my favorite Disney song ever cannot get messed up in this movie. Ewan McGregor is a fine actor and seems like a cool dude but his extremely forced French accent was cringe worthy and the way they butchered the song was sickening. I threw up in the fucking theater. You can’t see the voice actors, just pick a real French guy!

So if you haven’t seen this movie keep these things in mind before going in. If you are strong enough as a human to separate the two films and enjoy them equally then you are a much better person than I. Also if you can get past the bestiality thing when they are actual live people instead of cartoons then you’re probably a fucking weirdo and need to get put on a list of some sort.

 

Jesse

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I could write a huge essay about why this movie was shit but it would be just as much of a waste of time as it was to see this hunk of crap. I’m sure it was fun to make and to be on set but it didn’t translate to the screen. And I’m not comparing it to Schindler’s List and The Godfather. Just take this and compare it to the other R rated comedies of the past few years (most featuring Seth Rogen in some way) and it just doesn’t hold up. It seemed too forced, too unnatural, and just off. And a bunch of times it was noticeable they cut parts of the movie out so they could fit everything in to a certain time frame. Half of the funniest parts in the trailer aren’t even in the movie itself. Save your time and just go see Spiderman 2 again.

PS I still would give an arm and a leg to party with Zac Efron during his drinking/coke days. That would be a fucking hell of a time.
PSS And if Efron isn’t in Magic Mike 2, Channing Tatum is as dumb as he looks because that kid was made for that kind of movie, not this.

-Jesse

Keep your feet on the ground and keep looking for me!

Keep your feet on the ground and keep looking for me!

“Wow! Like, who new that the Green Ghost Goblin was actually the old voice actor Mr. Kasem? And he was just trying to hide from his dumb family? I guess we really are meddling kids…”

The Wrap-Casey Kasem, the 82-year old DJ has been found, a representative of the family told TheWrap.

Kasem was confirmed as missing on May 12. At that time, his daughter Kerri Kasem began seeking temporary conservatorship over her father, in order to facilitate a search effort.

In an official statement issued, the family reports, “We have received confirmation that Casey Kasem has been found. The family has grave concerns about his health and will do everything in their power to bring him back home.”

The family has been at odds with Kasem’s wife, Jean, over visitation rights. Jean Kasem has been moving Casey Kasem from hospital to hospital, and refusing to let his children see him. Casey Kasem is suffering from Lewy Body Disease, which is a similar form of dementia to Parkinson’s Disease, and has left him barely able to talk.

According to The New York Daily News, Casey Kasem was found in Washington just hours after Kerri Kasem was able to officially file a missing persons report. After hearing the news, Kerri Kasem released the following statement, ”We are grateful to the local authorities for finding my Dad. We are one step closer to bringing him home.”

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The Casey Kasem watch is officially over and I think I speak for sarcastic assholes all over the world when I say “Thank God!”
During this whole ordeal I learned a great deal about Mr. Kasem’s life and career most notably being the fact that he is still alive.
Actually I only know 3 real things about him and they are as follows: He did the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo, He did a radio show where he counted down popular songs called American Top 40 (similar to Carson Daly on TRL for all you imagination deficient youngsters who needed your eyes to help you hear music better) And he hosted a dance party at The Max on Saved By The Bell. Everything else he’s ever done in his entire life is completely inconsequential and trivial to me or anyone else until his recent bout of disappearing. I really feel like he would have been a much more exciting celebrity had he murdered someone or at least got a bunch of DUI’s. He seemed like the type to have a little bit of Robert Blake in him but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I do feel bad for him about the whole not being able to talk thing. The man made a living with his voice and now it’s left him as part of an even more debilitating disease. That’s be like if (when) I had a stroke and couldn’t walk or chew my own food anymore, add on top of that not being able to use my hands to blog or play videogames…After reading that last sentence over again I’ve decided to kill myself. I’ve completely wasted my life. I’m going to call my mother and apologize for the shame I’ve undoubtedly plagued her with and then go walk into some traffic.

-Ken

-So when I put together that Kasey Casem milk carton picture I had to paste his picture over a picture of a little kid that was missing from 20 years ago. Very weird feeling. I hope that little girl made it home and enjoys reading dumb blogs and watching MTV like all Americans should get a chance to do.

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Vulture- Zero Dark Thirty director Kathryn Bigelow and producer Megan Ellison are teaming up again. According to The Wrap, Kathryn Bigelow will direct an adaptation of Anand Giridharadas’s nonfiction book The True American: Murder and Mercy in Texas, with Tom Hardy attached as the lead and Ellison’s Annapurna Pictures set to produce. The book tells the story of Mark Stroman, a self-proclaimed “American terrorist” (presumably Hardy) who shoots and nearly kills a Bangladeshi immigrant in a Dallas minimart, and the intertwining lives of the two men in the following decades. With Bigelow helming another morally fraught post-9/11 terrorist saga, Hardy playing another macho bad guy, and Ellison producing another film with “American” in the title, it sounds like everyone is sticking to what they do best. Are you paying attention, Academy voters of the future?

Everyone knows, and I have well documented, my love for Tom Hardy. Talent wise I think he is one of the best actors out there and visually, forget about it, gayballs for Tommy. But all of these movies being linked to him is starting to worry me because take a look at every other great actor in the world. Daniel Day Lewis, Denzel, Christian Bale, Leo..these guys are only attatched to or actually act in like one or two movies a year (even less for Day Lewis) and the world loves them. Give us a taste of your talent and we want it in buckets. But guys like DeNiro, Pacino, and now even Johnny Depp, they are just in too many fucking movies. Now I’m afraid the same thing is happening for Tom. This year he will have at least 2, maybe 3 movies come out. Then next year he has Mad Max so the marketing will be nauseatingly overdone and he is linked to an Elton John bio, a Kray twins gangster bio, Al Capone trilogy, Splinter Cell adaptation, and now a movie about an American terrorist. Of course they won’t all get made near each other, or ever, but that’s a lot of “linked” news reports about movies and TV shows. Daddy doesn’t like that Tommy, slow it down and just give us a taste. We don’t need the whole Hardy at once.

-Jesse “Supergay”

Marky Mark was the right choice for the lead in one of these movies. Has few acting skills, one facial expression, and is a tough guy. He is much more believable to fight robots that turn into cars than Shia LeBouf. Also pretty sure I came in my pants watching one robot ride another dragon robot through a city that is about to be destroyed. How many times can Michael Bay blow up a city by the way? Like these transformers have caused BILLIONS of dollars in damages and the time it would take to rebuild an entire metropolis is roughly 20 years? So is this movie 100 years after the first one? Now I’m confused, fuck.

-Jesse

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Variety- Edgar Ramirez is in negotiations to replace Gerard Butler in Alcon’s “Point Break” reboot. Alcon has been looking for someone to take over the role of Bodhi — played by Patrick Swayze in the ’1991 original — after Butler exited the project over a scheduling conflict, and looks to have found his successor in the “Carlos” star. Pic also stars Luke Bracey and Ray Winstone with Ericson Core directing. The pic has been dated for Aug. 7, 2015. The film will retain the original story of an FBI agent infiltrating a ring of criminals but will be set in the world of extreme sports.

Stop traffic movie people, you need to pump the brakes on this one. You can’t go from a perfect hire in Gerard Butler and jump right into bed with Edgar Ramirez, he’s not the guy. When I see Mr. Ramirez I see many things but definitely not a crazy bank robbing surfer. He can be a terrorist, a psycho, a teacher, a drug dealer (blah blah insert handsome Spanish guy role here). Just off the top of my head I can name like 6 guys better set to play the iconic role of Bodhi and here they are. I’ll expect my residual check in the mail.
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Ray Stevenson He just really has the size and crazy look factor
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Eric Bana You could literally show me a picture of Eric Bana and Gerard Butler and I wouldn’t know who is who
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Joe Manganiello Super jacked guy who could play a lunatic
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Taylor Kinney Looks like a surfer and dates Lady Gaga so you know he’s a little fucked up
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Josh Holloway Probably the best choice, surfer look and needs a job because Lost isn’t coming back anytime soon
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Aaron Eckhart He’s the wildcard because he should be a big movie star but all of his movies tank (sans Dark Knight)

-Jesse