Florida Hooker Pulls a “Baby Mama”

Bradenton Herald

So this extremely sexy, youthful lady of the night pulled a fast one on an adoption agency and unfortunate couple. My guess is she was ski poling a couple dudes at a Red Roof Inn and Baby Mama happened to be on the TV and a very, very dim light bulb went off in her super methy head. She probably called up Lester Diamond and concocted the theory that no one had seen that movie in awhile so no one could possibly think she wasn’t really pregnant and wanting to give the gift of a child to a happy couple. And god dammit she was right. Now I lived in Bradenton awhile so this all makes sense, they are beyond ass backwards in every way throughout that town. Of course the story takes the turn it should have, this bitch is in jail and definitely not pregnant but it just sucks for the people wanting the baby. But I’m sure they are thanking their lucky stars a beautiful little kid didn’t fall out of that whore’s meat wallet. Woof.

Side note, Baby Mama is a pretty solid movie. I’m a big time Tina and Amy fan.

Jesse

Butt-hurt Le Batard Finally Snaps

Le Batard’s pathetic sign he actually paid money for…..

 

It’s been very hard to locate an actual Miami Heat fan in the weeks since LeBron has decided to come back to Cleveland. I live close to the nest here in Florida and until 3 weeks ago I couldn’t walk 10 feet without seeing a Heat jersey and don’t give me the bullshit excuse that the season is over and that’s why no one is wearing them. It’s the middle of the summer and perfect sleeveless weather. . And when you spend $130 on a shirt with no fucking sleeves, you can be DAMN sure it’s getting worn 5 times a week.  Even the fans that I’ve cornered into a conversation about the current state of the Heat can’t tell me anything other than they don’t care LeBron left and he owes them a big ol’ thank you for some reason that still has not been explained to me in any real coherent fashion. What the hell does LeBron owe them a thank you for?! HE was the one who brought THEM 2 more titles! Am I just getting roped in here? I mean it makes no sense even if they were purely doing it to troll Cleveland fans as Le Batard has even stated himself referring to his billboards he posted in Akron.

I thought Cavs fans could have come off better after the decision in 2010, obviously burning your own clothes in anger on national TV is not a good look, but this billboard is so much more of a bitch move I can’t even comprehend it. The jersey was on fire less than 3 minutes after LeBron said he was leaving; it was a gut reaction, in the Miami Heat of the moment. Le Batard has had weeks to formulate some kind of witty gesture to really stick it to LeBron or Cavs fans in general I guess. But the best he came up with was a passive aggressive blurb that sounds like a junior high school girl wrote it on Facebook.

I guess what I should really be saying here is the most obvious point in all of this. And this is what Le Batard and all 15 of the other Heat fans need to understand: You don’t matter anymore. You’re not important. No one cared what happened in Miami before LeBron and no one cares now because it was never about you. It was never about the Heat. It’s always been about LeBron. So you need to keep your mouths shut (as most of you have) and keep your billboards in your own city and be happy with what just happened to you for the last 4 years and understand that no one owes you a single shred of gratitude or even a half hearted thanks.

I guess Le Batard accomplished his goal of getting at least one Cleveland fan riled up but as far as I’m concerned his gesture was the dying breath of a shitty fan base and he knows he wont be talking about anything meaningful for the rest of his career so he need one last shot. ESPN suspended him for 2 days but he probably wishes they ordered him to be executed instead of having to go back and talk about Wade’s broken knees and Bosh’s crippling max deal that is already butt fucking the Heat back into the stone age.

So moments like this have brought out a new breed of Cavs fans. Fans who know we’re better than you. Prove me wrong. You can’t. Get used to it because it’s totally going to suck for you for a long time.

 

-Ken

I Hate?….. Asdrubal Carbrera? Wow. I Think I do.

Nice pearl necklace loser! Burn!

FantasySP.com-MINNEAPOLIS (AP) – Cleveland Indians shortstop Asdrubal Cabrera has left the game with the Minnesota Twins because of lower back spasms. Cabrera played two innings Monday night before being taken out.
(7/21/2014)

_________________________________________________________

This is new territory for me as a true homer in every sense of the word. I ALWAYS root for every player on my teams to be successful because that’s just what a dumb blind idiot would do. If he’s on the team he’s my favorite player. That’s the stupid thing I believe in. And a few years ago Asdrubal might have been about my favorite player on the Indians so I can honestly say that when he left the game tonight and I said “Good, get that fucking piece of shit outta’ there” that I was just as surprised to hear the words as anyone in the room. (Completely alone) I was surprised because I was at the game in Tampa a few years ago when Asdrubal broke his arm and I was devastated. He was my favorite player. Jesus Christ.
So what the hell happened? Well without getting into stats (because that would be responsible) I would just like to state that he’s totally being a piece of shit the last 2 years. It feels like every inning ends with him taking off his batting gloves and helmet and handing it to the first base coach because he just grounded into an inning ending DP. And I’ve lost count of all the errors this year. I don’t know the exact number but I’d guess it’s somewhere in the 1000’s so far. At least 50 a game. The Tribe have about 4 utility players starting every game and I don’t see why they just don’t trade Cabrera and plug in another at shortstop. He CAN’T be in the long term plans at the position right? That would be lunacy. As a matter of fact I know that Francisco Lindor is the SS waiting to be called up and he’s the best prospect in the whole organization. The future starts now.

-Ken

Chris Bosh Waving Off The Help Like He’s An Egyptian King

Gotta love (hate) Bosh’s total disregard for the little worthless people who only exist to make his life more comfortable. I would be completely surprised of the towel boy was even allowed to look at him in the eyes. But seriously, why would he ever waste a half second of his life to acknowledge a poor piece of shit when he needs to focus 100% on letting Tony Parker shoot layups in his face and getting open three ball looks.

I’m not saying he needs to completely turn around and say “No thank you, Mike. I’m already adequately hydrated thanks to your attentiveness, how’s your kids doing by the way? Little Mikey Jr. get an A on his science project?”
But at least give the guy a grunt and a head twitch. Nothing worse than the dismissive hand wave.

-Ken

Are The Browns Getting Better?

A Possible Franchise Quarterback That OTHER Team’s Fan’s Actually Wanted?


A Free Agent Signing Whose Name I’ve Heard Of?

A Favorable Draft Grade Given By People Outside Of The Browns Front Office?

Where Are Teams Going To Pass Against This Secondary?

A Good Running Back NOT Past His Prime?

The national media is doing everything they can to tear the Browns apart for “mishandling” Manziel already. They need to destroy this kid and team before the season starts otherwise what was the point of building him up in the first place? I think for the first time in my life as a Browns fan I can say that I think the team has made enough moves in the offseason that will translate into wins during the season. They can’t fuck this up now. They’re signing talent, not just warm bodies. Coaching is important and all but somewhere down the line you need to have talent on your team and the Browns simply didn’t have much for too long. We get excited about a fucking kicker for Christ’s sake! Josh Cribbs was the most exciting player for years because he ran back a zillion kickoffs during his career. Now there’s actually a pool of talent to choose from when talking about team strengths. We’re either building a strong playoff contender or the 2011 Eagles. Thank god they cut Vince Young before he called us the “Dream Team Part Deux”

-Ken

Tom Hardy Linked to Another New Movie, Jesse is Not Happy

Vulture- Zero Dark Thirty director Kathryn Bigelow and producer Megan Ellison are teaming up again. According to The Wrap, Kathryn Bigelow will direct an adaptation of Anand Giridharadas’s nonfiction book The True American: Murder and Mercy in Texas, with Tom Hardy attached as the lead and Ellison’s Annapurna Pictures set to produce. The book tells the story of Mark Stroman, a self-proclaimed “American terrorist” (presumably Hardy) who shoots and nearly kills a Bangladeshi immigrant in a Dallas minimart, and the intertwining lives of the two men in the following decades. With Bigelow helming another morally fraught post-9/11 terrorist saga, Hardy playing another macho bad guy, and Ellison producing another film with “American” in the title, it sounds like everyone is sticking to what they do best. Are you paying attention, Academy voters of the future?

Everyone knows, and I have well documented, my love for Tom Hardy. Talent wise I think he is one of the best actors out there and visually, forget about it, gayballs for Tommy. But all of these movies being linked to him is starting to worry me because take a look at every other great actor in the world. Daniel Day Lewis, Denzel, Christian Bale, Leo..these guys are only attatched to or actually act in like one or two movies a year (even less for Day Lewis) and the world loves them. Give us a taste of your talent and we want it in buckets. But guys like DeNiro, Pacino, and now even Johnny Depp, they are just in too many fucking movies. Now I’m afraid the same thing is happening for Tom. This year he will have at least 2, maybe 3 movies come out. Then next year he has Mad Max so the marketing will be nauseatingly overdone and he is linked to an Elton John bio, a Kray twins gangster bio, Al Capone trilogy, Splinter Cell adaptation, and now a movie about an American terrorist. Of course they won’t all get made near each other, or ever, but that’s a lot of “linked” news reports about movies and TV shows. Daddy doesn’t like that Tommy, slow it down and just give us a taste. We don’t need the whole Hardy at once.

-Jesse “Supergay”

Aaron Hernandez Indicted on Double Murder Charges From 2012

There’s a lot of room left for a big NOT GUILTY tatt

ESPN- Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has been indicted in a double homicide in Boston in 2012, according to multiple reports.
Hernandez remains jailed in Massachusetts, charged in a separate case with first-degree murder in the June 2013 shooting death of semi-professional football player Odin Lloyd, a Boston resident who was dating the sister of Hernandez’s fiancee, Shayanna Jenkins. He has pleaded not guilty and is being held without bail. It had been widely reported that Lloyd might have had knowledge about the Boston slayings.

So what you’re telling me is that one of the best football players in the NFL was basically a serial killer. Like he didn’t have a plan to murder people but if it had to be done he just went and shot them to death. I am so fascinated by this story that it still doesn’t seem real but I also have this suspicion that he will get off not guilty. Like he may get gun charges or something like that but they haven’t found the murder weapon and if he buddies stay true to the hood they won’t testify. We may have a new OJ case but times a hundred thousand.

-Jesse

Gerard Butler Out of Point Break Remake, Edgar Ramirez In as Bodhi

Variety- Edgar Ramirez is in negotiations to replace Gerard Butler in Alcon’s “Point Break” reboot. Alcon has been looking for someone to take over the role of Bodhi — played by Patrick Swayze in the ’1991 original — after Butler exited the project over a scheduling conflict, and looks to have found his successor in the “Carlos” star. Pic also stars Luke Bracey and Ray Winstone with Ericson Core directing. The pic has been dated for Aug. 7, 2015. The film will retain the original story of an FBI agent infiltrating a ring of criminals but will be set in the world of extreme sports.

Stop traffic movie people, you need to pump the brakes on this one. You can’t go from a perfect hire in Gerard Butler and jump right into bed with Edgar Ramirez, he’s not the guy. When I see Mr. Ramirez I see many things but definitely not a crazy bank robbing surfer. He can be a terrorist, a psycho, a teacher, a drug dealer (blah blah insert handsome Spanish guy role here). Just off the top of my head I can name like 6 guys better set to play the iconic role of Bodhi and here they are. I’ll expect my residual check in the mail.

Ray Stevenson He just really has the size and crazy look factor

Eric Bana You could literally show me a picture of Eric Bana and Gerard Butler and I wouldn’t know who is who

Joe Manganiello Super jacked guy who could play a lunatic

Taylor Kinney Looks like a surfer and dates Lady Gaga so you know he’s a little fucked up

Josh Holloway Probably the best choice, surfer look and needs a job because Lost isn’t coming back anytime soon

Aaron Eckhart He’s the wildcard because he should be a big movie star but all of his movies tank (sans Dark Knight)

-Jesse

Alec Baldwin Arrested for Riding His Bike on the Wrong Side of the Road

NY Daily News- Alec Baldwin was arrested for disorderly conduct in Manhattan on Tuesday, after a flare-up with cops when he was stopped for riding his bicycle against traffic, police said. The hotheaded actor became unruly with officers who asked him for identification after they stopped on Fifth Ave. near 16th St.. in the Flatiron District about 10:15 a.m., cops said. “He became belligerent, yelling and screaming at the officers, ‘I don’t have ID. Just give me the f—–g summonses,'” one police source told the Daily News. Cops cuffed the “30 Rock” star at the scene – a moment captured by a lensman with InTouch Magazine – and hauled him the NYPD’s 13th Precinct. But the foul-mouthed Baldwin didn’t stop arguing over his arrest once he arrived at the E. 21st St. stationhouse. “How old are these officers?” he growled. “They don’t even know who I am.” He was issued summonses for riding a bicycle the wrong way on a street and disorderly conduct before he was released.

Will they just leave this guy the fuck alone? He is one of the coolest actors ever and the police/paparazzi continuously fuck with him and make his life hell. There are 6 trillion people in NY yet he is arrested, stopped, detained every other day. Just wants to ride his bike and be left alone. He was on the wrong side of the street? Give me a break I watched a lady poop in a bag in the middle of the sidewalk on Park Ave and no one batted an eye. #FreeAlec

-Jesse

Texas A&M Wants to Name Field “The House That Johnny Built”

Bleacher Report- Johnny Manziel has left College Station early and will now head to Cleveland as he hopes to leave his mark on the National Football League. The 2012 Heisman Trophy winner’s time at Texas A&M was so sensational that one Aggies official wants to rename Kyle Field—which was built in 1927—in honor of the quarterback. Texas A&M regent Jim Schwertner talked about what he would like to see happen to the stadium while the Aggies gave an update on the $450 million renovations going on at Kyle Field:

A&M regent Jim Schwertner above all thanked Johnny Manziel for getting the money raised for the Kyle redo in two months

— Brent Zwerneman (@BrentZwerneman) May 12, 2014

A&M regent Jim Schwertner said he's dead serious about wanting Kyle named: Kyle Field: The House that Johnny Built.

— Brent Zwerneman (@BrentZwerneman) May 12, 2014

I followed up with a question to regent Jim Schwertner asking if he was serious, just to make sure. He was.

— Brent Zwerneman (@BrentZwerneman) May 12, 2014

Why A&M regent Jim Schwertner wants 'House that Johnny Built' added to Kyle Field name (Aggies Blog): http://t.co/0z7nwcmSkm

— Brent Zwerneman (@BrentZwerneman) May 12, 2014

ESPN’s Darren Rovell reported last month, Manziel already filed to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Manziel put Texas A&M back on the college football map during his two seasons on campus. If one Aggies official has it his way, Johnny Football’s legacy will never be forgotten.

If there has ever been a move where people acted before thinking, this is it. I understand all the great things Johnny did on the field for the Aggies, and off the field with jersey sales. But the guy barely even left the stadium and you want to change the name? Come on people, use your heads. He didn’t win a championship, I don’t think he even won an SEC title. He was electrifying and fun to watch and fell to the 22nd pick in the draft. In about 10 years, maybe 15, no one is going to give a fuck about Johnny Football at A&M so naming the stadium “The House that Johnny Built” is only going to hammer home that he literally built the stadium with his jersey/ticket sales and he didn’t earn a penny of it. Bad idea. Maybe start with a food truck and then work your way up from there.
PS And if I am Johnny, I’m trademarking EVERYTHING with my name in it, including Johnny Depp’s name. Fuck him, he’s made enough, make it while you can still run around the football field before Suggs ruins your life mid November.
PSS Thank God the fucking Gators didn’t do this with Tebow’s name. There wouldn’t be a pebble in Gainesville without his likeness stamped on it.
-Jesse