Tiger Woods to Miss the Masters

ESPN- Tiger Woods will miss the Masters after undergoing back surgery earlier this week for a pinched nerve that has been hurting him for several months, the world’s No. 1 player said Tuesday on his website. It will be the first time in 20 years that Woods will not play in the event.

Sad to say I’m missing the Masters. Thanks to the fans for so many kind wishes. http://t.co/Ofbre9VHEL

— Tiger Woods (@TigerWoods) April 1, 2014

The microdiscectomy was performed Monday by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Rich in Park City, Utah. The statement said Woods will begin “intensive rehabilitation and soft-tissue treatment” within a week, and the goal is for him to return to competition “sometime this summer.” “After attempting to get ready for the Masters, and failing to make the necessary progress, I decided, in consultation with my doctors, to have this procedure done,” the 38-year-old Woods said in the statement. “I’d like to express my disappointment to the Augusta National membership, staff, volunteers and patrons that I will not be at the Masters. It’s a week that’s very special to me. It also looks like I’ll be forced to miss several upcoming tournaments to focus on my rehabilitation and getting healthy.”

Well there goes any chance of me watching the Masters. I, like most people in this country, only watch golf to see what Tigger is up to and since he won’t be playing I’ll still have it on, but mostly to sleep to while hungover. I like that Eldrick is pulling out of this one beforehand instead of on the back 9 when he is 36 over par. I’m sure he will be getting “intensive soft-tissue treatment” because the last time I checked my dick is soft tissue and if I’m Tiger I’d be getting all the treatment I could possibly handle. You ol’ dog you.

Fuck the Masters, let’s go to Hooters and get shitfaced

Classic nerd move promoting his website at the end of the Tweet. No one goes to your fucking website Tiger, get over it.

-Jesse

John Daly Continues Dominating Life

84 year old John Daly seen here holding a giant crack rock. One of Tiger’s many illegitimate kids in the background.

FOX Sports-If there was ever a grip-it-and-rip-it guy, it’s John Daly. As he reminded everyone on Monday.
Daly won himself a car with a hole-in-one during a pro-am on Monday at the Jack Nicklaus course at PGA West in Southern California. And he did it with a club he had just been handed.
No, that doesn’t mean he was still getting accustomed to the club. He was literally swinging it for the first time.
A representative of club manufacturer Callaway had just delivered the 9-iron — which had been adjusted with a longer shaft for Daly — to the golfer on the tee for the 154-yard seventh hole.
“I didn’t even look at the shot,” Daly said, as reported by utsandiego.com. “I leaned over to get my tee and was telling the Callaway representative that it felt pretty good. He said, ‘Good, because it just went in the hole.’ ”
And with that, Daly had himself a new Hyundai Equus.
“Trust me,” Daly said, “with three kids I will put the new Hyundai to good use.”

Just another day in the life of John Daly. Rolled out of his Winnebago early (2:00pm) which I guarantee is sitting in the golf course parking lot, washed his head in a bucket of bleach, had breakfast at the local BW3, picked up his new outfit from the Lesbian party store, and made his way back to the course just in time to ace a hole with a club he’s never held before in his life. He definitely threw a keg party in the parking lot after his round and if he didn’t go all in with 2 pair and lose his new Hyundai by sunrise this morning than he’s not the man I thought he was.

Best golfer of our generation. I’ll take Daly’s alcohol fueled rollercoaster train wreck of a life over Tiger’s “sex addiction” scandal any day of the week. Daly has divorced more women than Tiger bagged, and has more charisma and talent in his saggy left tit than Eldrick has in his entire body.

Update: Daly doesn’t even win the car because he had already taken a shot on the hole before he made his hole in one. More classic Daly. How can he NOT know how this shit works?! Does he think he gets to stand on the tee box all day with a bucket of balls and fire away at the pin until he puts one in? Pretty sure you don’t get a mulligan on the “Hole In One Free Car Hole”, John.

-Ken